Snack? What Snack?...

E3-G5

The sub line seems to have gone silent again. The only assignment calls I’ve been getting lately are pre-arranged, direct assignments from teachers. That’s really great for the ego but there aren’t enough of them yet to fill out a decent monthly paycheck.

I checked the sub line at 06:30am to “nothing available” and promptly went back to sleep figuring it’s another non-work day.

The phone rang again at 07:30am. I’m half asleep.

While I’m getting used to being woken in the early morning hours, I also expect the call to be the canned announcement: “This is the E-------- School District calling for…..”

Instead, I hear “Good Morning Mr. Homework. Are you available to sub for me today?”

Now I’m used to the kids calling me Mr. Homework, but this is the first time a TEACHER has called and addressed me with that AKA. Especially, surprising, it’s from a teacher I haven’t subbed for before. I have subbed for a couple of her buddies so I guess the moniker is spreading.

I arrived at the school a little late. The teacher was in the classroom, clearly suffering from some kind of virus. She just completed the lesson plan, laid out all the books, and warned me, repeatedly, that her kids are really “social”.

“They can’t be quiet for more than 5 minutes at time and you’ll need to crack down on them ALL day”.

Then she surprised me by apologizing for not leaving me a “snack” as this was so last minute.

I must have had SOME kind of a dumb look on my face because she asked: “Don’t the teachers you sub for leave you a treat or a snack for subbing for them?”

Now THIS is a new development.

I’m happy if the teacher leaves me a good lesson plan! Now I discover that other subs get snacks? In the two years I’ve been doing subbing, this is the first inkling that there might be extra bonuses to the job.

Good to know! What else have I been missing?

(BTW, her kids reacted great to the Mr. Homework treatment. The HOMEWORK story is entertaining and they all worked together not to get any letters on the board the entire day)

Three Class Update...

Last Thursday, Friday I had 4-5 combo classes at different schools and today I had 6th grade at yet another school.

Three class update:
Item 1:
Rain, rain, every day rain! Come ON! This is supposed to be spring in California. Enough already! P.E. in the classroom just doesn’t appeal to me or anyone else.

Item 2:
Mr. Homework worthless coin (WC) student exchange rate between kids:
1 WC = $1US (5th grader! I couldn’t believe it…)
1 WC = 1 juice drink (6th grade)
1 WC = 5 candy mints.

Item 3:
Friday, March 31 I posted the following on the board for one of the 4/5 combos:

“The special California Statewide Fourth and Fifth Grade Only Mandatory All Day Test will be held tomorrow (Saturday morning April 1, 2006).

Test starts at 06:37am and lasts until 11:53pm. No lunch or bathroom breaks and purple pens only. Don’t be late and be sure to bring your parents as they have to take the test also…”

Some of the kids complained about being made to take school tests on Saturday.

(The other kids had a laugh before letting them in on them in on what I thought was an obvious April Fool’s Day joke…)

Item 4:
Sixth graders can’t be trusted….with anything!

Outsourced and Offshored again?

I got into this substitute teacher racket because of outsourcing and offshoring and now it might happen again if they decide that virtual substitute teachers can replace us.

From the BBC News:
'Virtual' teachers could enter classroom
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/582475.stm

Oh wait the story date is Wednesday, 29 December, 1999, 13:52 GMT. Must be Microsoft OS/Windows based. Nothing to worry about.

CTL-ALT-DEL, reboot, class dismissed!

(Picked this story out on Dave Barry's blog)

Check That Tape...

E13-5

Last Tuesday’s 5th grade assignments got me a direct referral for today’s 5th grade assignment. I also met the 5th grade teacher next door at lunch and she asked me for my number for a possible future assignment. Networking works!!

Today’s last lesson for the day is science:
“Show video on electric current and have the students answer the three question worksheet. The tape is already queued up in the player”

Since I’ve been bitten by this ploy before, I ejected the tape to make sure there was actually a tape in the machine. There was.

The day is going smoothly, the last lesson for the day is about to begin. The class gets settled, worksheets out, pencils ready, lights dimmed, TV on and player started.

I went back to the teacher’s desk to make some additions to my “substitute teacher report” so I wasn’t paying attention to the video. That was until I heard some kids commenting. “ALL Riiight!”, “Yippee!”, “Were gonna get to watch this for science?”

That’s when it became apparent that something wasn’t quite right. They were WAY happier than they should be about some science video on electricity.

Sure nuff’ I looked up and saw the opening credits to the movie “School of Rock”.

While I know that a good part of the movie DOES deal with electrified musical instruments, I had a sneaky hunch that this just might not be the video the teacher intended.

After a short interruption, the unlabeled bootleg tape was replaced with “Bill Nye, the Science Guy” video to more than a few “Awwwww’s” from the class.

Lesson learned: Beware unlabeled videos in the classroom!

Dream Job...

I sure these happen to other people. You know, those disturbing dreams where you wake up exhausted and confused and not at all rested.

Ever dream about…

• Being in grade school and forgetting where your classroom is, who your teacher is or completely blanking out on a test?


• You’re in college and you realize that you have a final tomorrow and you don’t remember attending classes…EVER!


• You show up for work and don’t recognize anyone or just exactly what your job is supposed to be?

It’s been several tens of years since I last experienced one of these dreams that I could remember after waking.

I had one last night.

“…I somehow was assigned to a long term substitute assignment for the rest of the year.

The kids came in for the first day, I was trying to write “Mr. HOMEWORK” on the board and I couldn’t write the letter ‘M’. I printed it with three humps instead of two, erased it, wrote it with one hump, erased it, started again and the marker smeared all over the board.

The kids are waiting.

Over and over, again and again I kept trying and could not print that letter ‘M’. Too many humps, start over, not enough humps. I give up claiming the whiteboard markers are all “broken”.

I pick up the lesson plan. It’s written on several sizes of paper, different colors and in different languages.

The class is not one room but many different rooms. I have to go room to room to teach. At lunch time I go across the street to the teacher supply store to buy some whiteboard markers but they had only used ones that cost $5 ea and I only had a dollar.

I went to the school cafeteria for lunch and discovered that they served only reheated, freeze dried, microwave, In-N-Out burgers that stuck to the plastic bag….”

What a nightmare!

Microwaved In-N-Out burgers?

Oh, the horror!…the horror!…

Hoop Hoppin Day...

E13-5

I subbed for two (maybe three) different 5th grade classes today.

I arrived to what I thought was a regular 5th grade assignment to find that the teacher I was subbing for was only going to be out for an hour “observing” another rookie 5th grade teacher.

During my “hour job”, the red faced principal walks in and, without preamble, reads the class the riot act about fighting on campus! He cancels soccer, football, four-square, wall ball any other competitive recess games for an indeterminate period of time.

“Pardon the interruption” as he storms off to the class next door.

The word from the kids that two kids got into a fist fight and now all the 4th, 5th, and 6th grades are affected.

After that hour, I was moved to the rookie’s class for the rest of the day while HE went “observing” in other classes.

I just get started with this class when, half the rookie’s class leaves and switches with another class for the reading lesson.

After reading I have the intact group reassembled for one lesson before the WHOLE class leaves and are replaced by a mix of other 5th grade classes for a science video.

The last 15min of class, rookie returns to post the homework and releases me early to go home.

Whew! What a day!

Did I forget to mention that there was a rumored “earthquake drill” also scheduled?

During drill, I’m supposed to get “my” class safely out of the building and take roll to see who might be missing and still in the building.

With the mixed up “Who’s IN-OUT” day I had today, I was grateful the drill was canceled due to weather.

Perfect Storm...

E10-K

Despite my preference to sub grades other than in Kindergarten, the lack of calls the previous weeks prevailed and I find myself back in Kindergarten.

Just when I thought I had seen every variation of lesson plan format, today’s plan is a three page email. Very detailed plans because I can see lots of lines and what looks like words. It’s hard to tell what the words are because it’s printed with eight point type on a printer that seems to be running out of ink.

It’s cold. It’s pouring rain. It’s Kindergarten. They are going to be inside ALL day. I can’t read the lesson plan without reading glasses and tilting it sideways under a light.

It’s my “Perfect Storm”.

(If you don’t know the reference, rent and watch the movie.)

No Pinching!...

E13-G3

While the blind call assignments have been pretty scarce lately, I’ve been lucky enough to get three direct assignments from different teachers lately.

Yesterdays 5th graders were building leprechaun traps and reminded me not to show up for today’s 3rd graders without something green. After last years St. Patrick’s Day assignment, I didn’t want to risk it.

Before school, all the classes were assembled in the cafeteria for an announcement from the principal.

“I know all about the tradition of pinching someone who isn’t wearing green today but...THERE WILL BE NO PINCHING ON THIS CAMPUS OR YOU WILL BE SENT HOME!...(pause for effect)…Save it for after school. Have a good day!”…

Well….That’s a school policy I can get behind instead of getting it in the behind!

Finding Trouble...

E3-G5

Fifth grader shows up at school wearing a shirt with “I don’t look for trouble, trouble finds me!”

She is a new transfer from another 5th grade class at the same school. Amazingly, I remembered her name from subbing her old class early in the year.

Remembering a kid’s name from a single encounter is usually a bad indication of my experience with them.

And so it is with this one. No change from the last time. This kid goes out of her way to look for trouble

A classic case of false advertising.

Second Graders Can Be So.......Childish!

E16-G2

Finally! After a one week Presidents Day break and two idle weeks, I was able to pick up 2nd grade assignment.

The lesson for the last class I had before this one had a section about making the “right choices” when it came to nutrition. I guess the schools are getting the kids ready for the big change over to no more junk food in school.

We had been reading a story about a family and their breakfast habits, doing a work sheet on differentiating the “good” from the “bad” stuff.

“Can anyone tell me why what we eat for breakfast is important?”

-- no hands and silence ---

“A good breakfast provides you the energy you need so you are alert and won’t poop out before lunch!”

As soon as that “p” word left my mouth, I mentally tried to snatch it back but it was too late. It was out there and the kids must have HAD that good breakfast because they were all alert enough to catch it.

Yep, the substitute teacher said the word “poop” in class and they were ALL animated with giggles and comments.

I then had to spend a few minutes explaining that **THE PHRASE** simply meant “tired out”.

Talk about “wrong choices”… Yeeessh!

So with today’s second grade class, I was paranoid (Was my three week suspension, punishment for the “poop” incident?) and on the lookout to avoid more verbal poop.

Part of today’s lesson was presenting some of the science projects the kids were making. One of the projects was on “Our Solar System” and I immediately spotted a potential verbal #2.

The planet Uranus!

Not sure what words seven year olds are familiar with, I read the description replacing the planet “Your-anus” with “Your-in-us” without a hint of their poopie, bad word, recognition radar getting a fix.

It was at the end of the presentation, during a short Q&A time when I posed the following:

“Now, which planets you can see with the naked eye?”

Second graders can be SO childish….

Santa Clara County School District to ban ALL unhealthy food!...

From the San Jose Murkey News
By Becky Bartindale
Date: March 8, 2006
Headline:
Santa Clara Unified Could Ban Unhealthful Fare at All School Events

"...

It's one thing to ban the sale of soda, candy and potato chips in school lunch lines.

But what happens when a local school district tries to outlaw selling -- or even giving away -- popular high-fat, sugar-rich foods 24 hours a day, seven days a week, on all campuses?"

Students could bring what they want from home, but only for themselves.
..."

I can see a future headline already:

"Fourth grader arrested for possession of banned substance. Yesterday the S.C.S.D. swat team swooped down on the playground of Santa Clara Elementary and arrested known felon, street name “Johnny”, for possession of one 2 oz bag containing a creamy white substance hidden in yellow cake.

Johnny claims he wasn’t a user but was just “holding” for a “friend”.

Reports indicate usage of the drug, street name "Twinkie", has been on the rise as of late…”

More news at 11...

I KNEW Bart Simpson Was Real!...

Another idle day waiting for an assignment. A friend sent me the following to brighten my day.

Enjoy!

The REAL Simpsons:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKg22Al4SOE

Too Dangerous For "Teach for America"...

And so begins the start of another week with no assignments. I DO have two classes lined up for Thursday and Friday…….NEXT week but nothing so far THIS week.

In the meantime, the eBay auction business is picking up. We have an odd collection of five items currently up and running. Anyone want twenty bronze hinges? We got’em!

........

As a follow up to Friday's post about problems in the upper grades in Britan, the following similar story about dangerous schools on this side of the Atlantic is making the rounds on several other EduBlogs.

Teach for America, known as the Peace Corps for struggling urban schools, has sent its teachers to the worst crime-ridden schools in the nation. But one Harlem school is too dangerous even for them.

Read the full story By KATHLEEN LUCADAMO
New York Daily News

http://www.nydailynews.com//front/story/397268p-336674c.html

Just a few excerpts:

"...The national group (TFA) pulled about 10 of its teachers from Intermediate School 172 after one of them was threatened and others were assaulted last year, the Daily News has learned."

"...Teachers said students routinely roam the halls of the W. 129th St. building, pushing their way into classrooms where they don't belong and pulling fire alarms."

"... English teacher George Ticoras said he had a chair hurled at him by a student and has been assaulted several times by kids."

"...It is plagued by four times the number of major crime incidents tallied at the average city middle school, and a stunning 90% of its students fail to meet math and reading standards."

From Across the Pond...

After two weeks with no sub assignments, I start to think I should change my “willing to attempt” list to include the middle and high schools.

Then I wander across news articles like the one listed below and think I’m doin’ just fine right where I am with the little kids.

Here are a few of the more memorable excerpts from the story of an undercover reporter in London working as a supply teacher. (We call them substitute teachers here…). This article is a year old, so I guess things could have improved since then.

British Undercover Sub
By Julie Henry on telegraph.co.uk
Filed: 03/07/2005

“…At one school, I was calmly advised by a female colleague to lock the classroom door while I was teaching, to "protect" myself and my class from the marauding groups in the corridors.”

“…I tried to teach them but had been left with no real instructions. In the worst example of this lack of planning, I was handed a scrap of paper with "draw a picture of your favourite food" written on it - that was for a class of 14-year-olds for an entire hour.”

“…When Ofsted inspectors arrived the week after for a two-day visit, however, the school was suddenly transformed….The mystery was solved by a classroom assistant who told me in a hushed exchange in the lavatory that more than 20 of the most difficult pupils had been sent on a "day trip".

“…On my first day, I was told to "f*** off" by a 13-year-old boy. In my shocked naivety, I said: "You can't say that to me." He responded with a self-satisfied: "I just did.”

"…You can walk into any classroom at random and there isn't much learning going on because of various forms of disruption," he said. "When they tell their parents of their experiences, I'm surprised that the parents don't take action. I mean, I certainly would."

“…It is true that I had one of my best lessons at the school, behaviour was invariably good and children were learning. At this school, the behaviour balance seems to have gone to the other extreme, under the Government's banner of "zero-tolerance". Staff called pupils "total scum" after an incident of vandalism, and shouted at them to "bugger off, go home, we don't want you". In another incident, recalled by a colleague, 25 children were made to sit in the hall for three days. Just sit there, with no work.”

Where’s the Common Sense (Bi-Partisan Rant)?...

No subbing assignments since last weeks winter break so there’s plenty of time to visit the funny pages, and I don’t mean the comics, in the local paper.

From today's MurkyNews: High Hopes For Tech Agenda

“..Republicans and Democrats are competing furiously to be the party of U.S. global competitiveness, and Silicon Valley's high-tech industry couldn't be happier…”

“…President Bush proposed his own 10-year, $136 billion American Competitiveness Initiative'' last month to respond to the economic challenge from India and China. With both parties practically tripping over themselves to back legislation to increase federal basic research funding, extend a research tax credit for high-tech companies and improve math and science education…”

"...But Democrats were quick to respond. They criticized Republicans for not including increased broadband access, patent reform and more visas for high-skilled foreign workers in their competitiveness agenda..."

Haven’t these clowns (BOTH Democrat and Republican politicians) figured out that our “competitiveness” isn’t due to the lack of skill in science and math, but the willingness and ability of foreign workers to do the job for less? This is simply supply and demand economics on a global scale.

Even if $136 billion somehow successfully churned out an ample supply of eager math and science wiz kids, would they be employable if the global going rate for their services is only $25K a year?

Why don’t we just put the entire country up for bid on eBay and be done with it.

The Lawyers Have Finally Outlawed Recess...

Scott Elliot Dayton Daily News
Tuesday, February 21, 2006, 10:55 PM

“The world has gotten more complicated,” Benzel said. “It isn’t the informal world of the ’50s and ’60s. It’s the legalized world of 2006.”

Read the whole article here --> Tag, even running, "unsafe" at school...

Thanks for the Analogy?...

It isn’t often that you come across weird, backhanded analogies…

“…Remember to thank our subs. Their job is often thankless...Sort of like peeing a pair of dark pants: It gives you a warm feeling, but no one notices…”

Who is “you” and who is doing it to whom?

From: Tips for Subs and Full Time Teachers

Let's Go For A Walk In The Park...

New signage installed in the park behind the local community college.

I was hoping for a photo opportunity with the new camera, but this was all I saw.

How do YOU rate?...

Found this over on the Education Wonks

An anonymous teacher rating site: http://www.ratemyteachers.com/

This is NOT a new concept!

Way back in the age of LSD, hippys, flower-power, Vietnam protests, there existed the same resource at the university I attended. It was a resource called: “The Tower List”. It was an underground student published pamphlet of professor rating scores and student comments about the professors on campus.

It was, understandably, the most popular book on campus. It was also the most hated publication, by low rated professors, on campus.

As a direct result of the “The List”, the classes of the “A/B” rated professors were fully enrolled while the classes of the “sub-C” list professors were noticeably under enrolled.

The “sub-C” group decried the document as unfair, a popularity contest and threatened libel. They wanted “The List” banned from the campus. This posed an interesting dilemma for an institute championing the “free expression of ideas and information”.

This “situation” lasted for a few years until the university simply solved the “problem” by removing the names of which professors were teaching which courses in the class catalogs and then assigned professors to classes AFTER class lists were enrolled.

Fortunately, there isn’t a similar “www.ratemysubstituteteacher.com” site for me to worry about, but I DO sometimes wonder, though, where I might rank.

What's the Opposite of No Lesson Plan?...

EG16-G3

What’s the opposite of “no lesson plan”? How about too many plans?

I’m back at the country club school in a different 3rd grade class, I picked up the class folder at the office to find a set of “extra lesson plans!” inserted.

In the class room there are instructions to locate the file box with not one but two large lettered signs labeled: “Canned Substitute Lesson Plans!” The box contains an entire year of pre-canned plans to use. Instructions were simply locate the current week/day number and go for it.

After I located the week #7 set, I wasn’t too happy since they were pretty vague about where I was to find the materials and books referenced.

It was then that I spotted a table in the back of the room with a large sign labeled: “Substitute Teachers Desk!” where there was a personal note from the teacher and yet a different lesson plan for today.

This is the one I was what I was expecting, so we returned the “canned set” to its’ proper file and started our day.

This was, once again, the easy day with a good group of kids.

The schools are out this next week for winter break, so I’ll have more time for the eBay auction business.

What I Forgot...

The last two days I’ve been in Kindergarten. These are my first Kinder assignments in about eight months.

What I forgot…

1. They constantly tattle like little machine guns.

2. They can’t remember directions beyond the first two words.
Instructions: “Color the tree brown and the leaves green…” is executed as multi hued flora of Technicolor wonders, only some of which ends up with brown trees and green leaves.

3. They cry if you say “No”

4. That repeating the mantra “Print your name at the top of the paper” works for only 30% of the class. The rest need you to point your finger at where the “top of the paper” is and wait while they print the name.

5. That sitting still “Criss-cross, apple sauce with zip locked lips” isn’t achievable for more than 5 seconds.

6. That you MUST, MUST make sure each kinder gets an EQUAL amount of snack going out to recess. …And you better not run out of snack before the last kid reaches the door.

7. They can’t read or write words longer than four letters, so Mr. HOMEWORK is powerless to threaten assigning the extra homework essay if they act up.

8. They are short. You aren’t. That means you need a tune-up at the chiropractor tomorrow.

And last…to carry this list the next time the automated sub system calls for a Kinder assignment.

…Did I forget anything? If I did, leave a comment and I’ll add it to the list later.

Check the reader comments link ----v

Worst Job In The World?...

Quote from: BeverlyUnderround.com
Substitute Teaching: Possibly the Worst Job In The World?
“…One student who wishes to remain anonymous gave us the answer: "subs are scum, they shouldn't, and don't, have any authority whatsoever. They are pointless." He went on to say, "plus, its fun to mess around with subs and see how angry they get…."

http://www.beverlyunderground.com/issue4/topstories.htm


…And this is why I think I’ll stick to elementary school level subbing.

Pro-Choice...

EG16-G3

The rest of this week was a couple days in 3rd grade classes at the “country club” elementary school. I’ve subbed in this school a few times before and it seems to be a continuing, consistent school environment.

Kids are respectful, friendly, cooperative, enthusiastic and hard workers. Subbing under these conditions is almost like a vacation. This is the way a public school should be for ALL kids.

I live less than a mile from this school and yet if I still had school age kids they wouldn’t be going there. We’re not in this schools’ boundary. The local school for this neighborhood is two miles further down the road where the atmosphere is more, shall we say, disruptive?

While both schools are in the same district and less than three miles apart the school atmosphere is totally opposite.

There is no school choice allowed within our local public system. Even moving into a schools’ current boundary will not guarantee the district won’t redraw the boundary by the time your kid is ready to start school.

No wonder a lot of parents are shelling out a lot to send their kids to private schools if they can afford it.

I can see why vouchers for school choice might be an attractive lure for some parents.

Is it time to try Pro-Choice?

The Drought Seems To Be Over...

EG13-G2

The subbing work load seems to be picking up. Yesterday was a 3rd grade class with a request from another teacher at the same school to handle his class on Friday.

With today’s 2nd grade class, I’m hitting my goal of working at least three days/week to keep the bill collectors at bay.

There were lots of parents on campus today at lunch. It’s “Lunch With Your Own Kids Day” at this elementary school.

This is kind of a novel concept: A family picnic at school. It was calmer than usual at noon. Very nice.

I think the rest of the district should adopt the concept.

SDC...

I have usually avoided “Special Day Class” assignments because of all the horror stories others have told me about. But I took this assignment today because there doesn’t seem to be much of the “regular class” variety.

First up, NO LESSON PLAN. The class DID have two aides for the sixteen students.

If those aids weren’t there, I wouldn’t know what I was supposed to do or even how to do it. There was a mix of mentally retarded, autistic, and really below grade level mix of 4th, 5th grade students.

One kid has something called “Williams syndrome”, another autistic, another one spent part of the movie eating Styrofoam (…not sure if he swallowed any before I took it away from him). And a fourth kid was a continually scratching her legs.

I probably won’t volunteer for this again.

Be Careful What You Ask For...

EG1-G5

Day 2 with the same 5th grade class from yesterday. I specifically asked for a lesson plan before taking today’s class.

Well all I can say is: “Be careful what you ask for”.

I DID receive the extremely detailed, three page, word processed lesson plan from the teacher this morning. Part of which is re-produced below:


(Click pic for readable image)




I know a REAL teacher might pull this off with only 20minutes lead time, but I couldn’t. If I had the previous might to prepare the “example for student’s to model”, then maybe I could have pull this off but not on a spur of the moment.

What do you seasoned instructors think? Is this assignment too ambitious to expect a sub to accomplish with the teacher’s desired results or not?

This got condensed down to:
“Your principal thinks it’s a good idea to eliminate recess next year to get more learning done. Write a letter to her why or why not this is a good idea. Provide at least three reasons.”

Ants On The Carpet...

EG1-G5

This is the first class assignment I’ve had since the 6th of January.

The teacher for this 5th grade class is evidentially very ill and in the hospital, so of course there is no lesson plan.

The office warned me that the class is a tough one. The sub yesterday left at noon telling them how horrible that class was and something to the effect: “I don’t need this…”

(Big inhale here….let it out sloooowly…..)

I met some of the kids at the door about 10m before the bell. I asked one girl how class went yesterday.

“We had a sub yesterday. She said she wasn’t feeling well and went home at lunch time. I think she just really got sick of us and made an excuse.”

I also met a couple of the regular teachers doing yard duty and introduced myself. They told me: “Yea, she’s got a noisy group this year. She’s having a tough time this year. Good luck!”

Just as the bell rang, a teacher’s aid came by and said she and the other 5th grade teacher were working up a plan for my class and should have it for me in about 15 minutes.

I had already decided that this class is going to get the full, up front “MR. HOMEWORK” routine.

The name written on the board was MR. HOMEWORK. I told them to call me MR. HOMEWORK and why. Gave them the rules and related the story of the “Class from HELL” and what happened to them. They really, really liked it!

“When I tap the whiteboard with this marker, I want it dead quiet so the only thing I can hear, is ants walking on the carpet!”

One kid raised his hand: “That’s impossible! You can’t hear ants walking…” (wait for it, wait, almost there)……”Ohhhh, Now I get it!” (Sounds of kids laughing...)

By the end of the story, roll was taken and the teacher’s aid enters a room full of thirty kids quietly reading. She looked a little confused as she handed me the plan for today.

“I’ve never seen them this quiet!” she whispered, “Even with the teacher!”

The plan is surprisingly good, the day is going good. They are responding to instruction. When the noise level starts to rise, a tap on the board brings them back into focus.

Later in the day, a parent helper arrives for reading. After getting the same four hands up to volunteer for reading the history lesson, I called on her to point out some of the good “non-volunteer” readers in the class. The kids “fake cringe” as I call on each one as “BUSTED!”

Later, the parent helper lady said she thought she had, at first, walked into the wrong room. They are usually all talking by the time she gets here.

An hour before dismissal the office called and said they’ve been hearing how well the class is doing and ask if I can be back again tomorrow.

I let the kids know that their teacher is still sick and with a really bad impression of our actor/governor, I tell them: “I Ville BEE BAACK tomorrow!”

For a day that promised to be sucky , I was feeling GREAT at the end!


(…Later that night I pummeled my racquetball partner three games straight!)

Sub Lady Update---Results!...

It worked!

I just got a call from the sub lady that oversees the automated sub caller system. As promised, she snagged me a 5th grade assignment for tomorrow before entering it in the system.

A fellow sub blogger posts that an avalanche of student teachers has blanketed every available job and might be reason for the sudden shortage of work (thanks Jeff for the update!)

In the mean time, I’ve got the camera up and running and my fledgling eBay enterprise is off the ground.

Who knows? Maybe two part time jobs can equal one 9-5 fulltime job?

Sub Lady Retired!…

Fourteen days and absolutely NO calls! Extremely odd!

Did the district office find my blog? Did I piss someone off? Did the teachers get a new contract that said they get paid for any unused “sub days”? Am I paranoid?

(WHO SAID THAT?.....Oh yea…That was me…)

Instead of calling the office, I paid an in person visit to try and find out that the scoop might be. I have had several friendly previous conversations with the “sub lady” so I know I could tactfully ask a few questions and get a straight answer.

Guess what? She retired! She isn’t there no more! There is a whole NEW “sub lady” running the show!

She checked the schedule and there was one “missed” call for me in the last two weeks, but other than that nothing seemed to be amiss otherwise. She assured me that I wasn’t being blackballed or anything like that.

She did put my name on a sticky post-it on the side of her monitor and said she’d be sure to give me a call the next time an unfilled position came up. It pays to be pushy!

Let’s see what next week brings…

In the mean time, I went and bought a new digital camera (Panasonic DMC-FX7) to pursue a second part-time career selling stuff for other people on eBay.

I met with my first potential client last night in the retirement community near by and they assured me that there was a TON of interest from residents that just want someone else to do the work to “unload” a lifetime of accumulated “junque”.

Floating Gold...

Well the first 25 days of the new year has yielded exactly 2.5 days of subbing work.

Maybe time to try something different?

"...

Whale 'vomit' sparks cash bonanza

Ambergris is often smoothed by the ocean (Image: ambergris.co.nz)

An Australian couple who picked up an odd-looking fatty lump from a quiet beach are in line for a cash windfall.

Leon Wright and his wife took home a 14.75kg lump of ambergris, found in the innards of sperm whales and used in perfumes after it has been vomited up.

Sought after because of its rarity, ambergris can float on the ocean for years before washing ashore.

Worth up to $20 a gram, Mr Wright's find on a South Australian beach could net his family US$295,000 (£165,300)

Full story here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4642722.stm
...

What Are The Odds...

January seems unusually quiet for “guest teaching” this year. Only 3 ½ assignment days so far this month. My average has usually been 3-4 assignments per week.

This leaves LOTS of time to do important stuff like going to lunch networking, opening the mail responding to important correspondence issues and looking in wallet for lunch money attending to the household finances.

So the other day I received, in the mail, a work order and credit card receipt from the auto dealership for a roadside service call (replacing dead battery) for my car. This normally wouldn’t be at all unusual except for the fact that I didn’t HAVE any roadside service for my car.

The work order listed my name, address and home phone number. The car described was the same model, color and year, but the VIN and license plate wasn’t mine. Neither was the customer business and cell number.

Ok, so the dealer has their records mixed. No biggie. After all, they aren’t asking me for any money. They just sent the work order and credit receipt to the wrong guy.

The dealership is close so I drove down to get the paperwork corrected.

Turns out this other customer and I have one other thing in common. We both have the same first and last name!

What are the odds of two guys having the same name, owning the same model, year and color car and have it serviced at the same dealership?

Time to buy another LOTTO ticket…


Jan/23 Update!! LOTTO WINNER!

Concealed Weapons...

I don't know if this is a "real video" but it still makes an eye opening point.

Concealed Weapons...
http://ia300116.us.archive.org/2/items/demohi/demohi.wmv

Comments?

Worthless Coins …

“What are you gonna give us?”

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this from lots of the elementary school age kids in the classes I sub for.

Some teachers have treasure chests, buckets, barrels of small toys, candy, pencils, stickers, stamps, and other cheap stuff might be handed out for doing what they are already expected to do without the bribe. Even some substitute advice books suggest that we might carry cheap “rewards” for proper behavior.


While I can kinda go along with the bribe system for kinders, I have negative feelings about using it for older elementary school kids. Even then, I don’t think candy, even for kinders, is a good motivational precedent.

So when a 4th grade girl surprised me by asking a very insightful question on the lesson we were doing, I stopped the lesson and climbed down from the saddle of my “high horse” and handed her a “reward”. One genuine “Mr. HOMEWORK Worthless Coin”. (see picture).

The worthless coin in question was an arcade token from a long defunct Bullwinkle’s Pizza place in town. Stamped on the edge it says “NO CASH VALUE” and since the pizza place is no longer there, the game token is indeed worthless. I have a number of foreign coins and tokens floating at the bottom of my back pack. You never know when a five yen coin is going to come in handy here in California, USA.

By the way the other kids reacted; you would have thought I had handed out real money!

These are the same kids that showed up after the Christmas break with new iPods, cell phones, game boys and other expensive gadgets but now they ALL wanted “A Worthless Coin”.

Now when I go to that school and in that particular class, they all want to know if I have any more “worthless coins”, to which I nod knowingly and reply:

“Maybe…”

Lesson Plan Problems...

EG03-G5/6

This is the third or fourth time I’ve subbed this 5th/6th combo class. On the previous assignments, the teacher left me a well organized plan, the materials I needed all laid out easily referenced and a well disciplined bunch of kids to deal with.

Today wasn’t so well organized. The only constant today was the kids. They were still the same great bunch of kids. But lesson plan wise…

Plan Problem #1: Plan called for a math test for both the 5th and 6th graders.
There were NO test papers to be found! I checked the last lesson both grades seemed to be and located a test page that MIGHT be the ones she wants. I listed the book and page numbers for both classes to use on the agenda for today.

Result: Both grades told me that they already did the test pages for practice yesterday. I had them do additional math review problems instead.

Plan Problem #2: Library checkout today!

Result: I herded the class over to the library only to find out they weren’t scheduled until next Friday. Back to the class and silent reading ensued.

Plan Problem #3: NOT on the plan. Spelling test!

The spelling test WASN”T on the plan but all the kids insisted they were supposed to have one for today. This day was bizarre enough anyway, so I thought “Why not?” One of the kids gave me his list of words they were supposed to be tested on and we did a spelling test.

Something big must have distracted Ms. M today. Very unusual.

(At least I didn’t have any English grammar lessons to deal with! Whew!!)

Short Day, Minimum Day...

EG13-G6

I got a late morning call to take on a 6th grade class for a sick teacher. While I haven’t subbed for this teacher before, I have met him on several occasions in the school staff lunch room. He is a well seasoned instructor of over a couple dozen years, so I was a expecting a equally well disciplined classroom experience.

What I walked in on was “constant social hour”. The kids were not rowdy as some, but the general tone was a constant noise level of conversation about the same found in a popular, busy restaurant.

They were polite enough when I asked for attention, but reverted back to the “usual” conversation level after I was done talking.

Trying to teach lessons “on plan” pretty much wasn’t happening. I was thankful that Thursdays in this district are minimum days and my total time in this particular classroom was only three hours today.

I was told by other teachers that this is this teacher’s style in the classroom. I guess it must work on some level, but I didn’t see it working today.

Hopefully tomorrow in a different class and school will be a better experience…

Can't They ALL Just Be One Flavor Verbs?...

EG13-G4

This 4th/5th combo class is the first class of the New Year.

They couldn’t have been easier to deal with. This is the fourth time I’ve subbed this particular class and they are a great bunch of kids. No problems at all.

To make it even better, the first hour of class was “Literature Prep” given by a roving specialist. She told me I could take off for the next hour. So I took a leisurely walk down to the office to turn in the roll sheet, ambled by the staff lunch room and sampled a few New Year’s chocolate treats they had put out and had a brief pleasant chat with the school principal who came in for the same reason. All in all a very relaxing one hour break.

The only spoiler to this perfect day was when I took a look at the “grammar packet” I was to hand out as the last activity to the 5th graders.

Irregular verbs. Oh, crap! Here we go again!
Four worksheets titled:

• Identifying regular .vs. irregular verbs
• More irregular verbs
• Subject verb agreements
• More irregular verbs challenge

Do we really need to label, much less know how to categorize these things?

I guess I should be grateful the grammar gods haven’t invented even more mysterious things like “complex verbs”, “imaginary verbs” or “theoretical verbs” eh?

Guilty Pleasures…

This is the last day of the “Non-Generic Festive Holiday” vacation before tackling 4^th grade tomorrow. Tomorrow promises to be rain, more rain followed by even more rain. This means I’m going to be stuck with the kids ALL day.

I better have plans in place to deal with the restless crowd. All the expert “guest teacher” advisors tell us to carry emergency plans, appropriate grade level “fun activity” work sheets and advice books with games they can play in class during rainy day sessions.

I’m not going to do any of that. I’m confidant the teacher left me some stuff. Instead, I spent the day indoors and succumbed to a guilty pleasure.

I am intrigued by stupendously bad movies so when one comes along that has a promising title, I can’t resist. I spent a couple of hours watching last night’s tivo’ed network broadcast movie "Killer Klowns From Outer Space". One of the best lines comes from a security guard: “Just what are you going to DO with those pies, boys?”

While it IS a contender for one of the worst movies I have ever seen, it comes in at distant fourth because some parts of it are actually funny.

My ALL time favorite worst movie list:

#1 pick "Eraserhead"

#2 pick "She Freak"

#3 pick from the famed bad movie director Edward D. Wood Jr. "Plan 9 From Outer Space".

If you think you have a contender, use the comments section and let me know your favorite worst movie of all time.

P.S. And if you don’t mind, please save the funniest show on FOX by signing the online petition at http://www.saveourbluths.com/

The Quest For Extra Credit...

By JASON STRAZIUSO, Associated Press Writer Thu Dec 29, 6:29 PM ET

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Maybe it was the time the taxi dumped him at the Iraq-Kuwait border leaving him alone in the middle of the desert.

Or when he drew a crowd at a Baghdad food stand after using an Arabic phrase book to order. Or the moment a Kuwaiti cab driver almost punched him in the face when he balked at the $100 fare.

But at some point, Farris Hassan, a 16-year-old from Florida, realized that traveling to Iraq by himself was not the safest thing he could have done with his Christmas vacation. And he didn't even tell his parents.

Hassan's dangerous adventure winds down with the 101st Airborne delivering the Fort Lauderdale teen to the U.S. embassy in Baghdad, which had been on the lookout for him and promises to see him back to the United States this weekend.

It begins with a high school class on "immersion journalism"

Full story here -> http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051229/ap_on_re_mi_ea/journey_to_iraq

Eureka, They Have Found It!…

Well MUCH to my surprise, our local Post Office Officials (affectionately known as Poo’s) DID find and deliver our “not lost but can’t find it” package. It arrived yesterday.

So I guess this means I should apologize.

But wait! What’s the story with the shipping stickers on the outside?

Hummm! “This tracking number has already been used” ???

Well it looks like the sorting station DID send to the package to the Poo’s last week but they in turn sent it back to the sorting station as an OUTGOING package. Where upon scanning examination it was rejected and sent back once again to the local Poo’s before making it here.

A week later than it should have been here!

AFTER Christmas!!

Nah! No apology!!

It's Not "Lost", We Just Can't Find It...

Friday December 23 was panic time at our house.

The gifts that Claudette ordered from Barnes&Noble should have been here last Tuesday but still weren’t delivered by Friday night. Online tracking showed the packaged did indeed make it to the local post office on Tuesday 12/20 but still hadn’t left the post office building as of the 23rd.

So faced with a near panicked furiously frustrated female, I volunteered to slog down to the PO at 08:00am Christmas Eve to retrieve our package in person.

PO guy:_ “Got a green non-delivery pickup tag?”
Me:_ “Nope. The problem I have is that hasn’t been delivered. It’s been stuck here four days.”

PO guy:_ “That’s odd. The computer tracking says it’s here. It should have gone out for delivery on Tues. Let me go check the bins”

After several tens of minutes pass, the PO guy returns.

PO guy:_ “It’s not here…” while shrugging.

(I kinda already knew this would be the result of the search but I figured I had to dance the dance before continuing the conversation.)

Me:_ “Ok. So you’re saying my package is lost. Can I get a receipt indicating it's lost, so I can go back to Barnes&Noble for a credit and re-order the stuff?”

PO guy:_ “Uh, well, it IS here. We just can’t find it. Let me get my supervisor to talk to you.”
Me:_ “Fine. I need to get this sorted out today.”

PO Super:_ “I understand that you want to pick up a package?”
Me:_ “Yep, but it seems to be lost somewhere in this building”

(This is where I get to basically repeat the conversation with the PO guy including my request for some “lost in the mail” form or receipt).

PO Super:_ “Well, your package is not lost, it’s just probably in transit between the main PO sorting facility and here”.
Me:_ “Ok, how long does it take to get sorted to arrive here?”

PO Super:_ “Usually only a day or two.”
Me:_ “It’s been four days. Can I go to the main sorting PO and pick it up there?

PO Super:_ “Uh, No. They’ll sort it and send it here for delivery.”
Me:_ “But the tracking status says it’s IN THIS building, right?”

PO Super:_ “Yeeeaaa, but…”
Me:_ “So, logically, it’s already BEEN sorted and sent here, right?”

PO Super:_ “Hmmmm..”
Me:_ “So it’s here and you can’t find it, right”

PO Super:_ “Well...”
Me:_ “By definition doesn’t that make it “lost”? Now, can I have a receipt or form to submit to the package sender?”

PO Super:_ “It’s not considered lost until after 30 days. This IS a busy time of the year for the PO.”
Me:_ “So, I have to come back on Jan 20th to get my receipt for the “lost” package?”

PO Super:_ “I’m sure it will be delivered before that. The tracking info says we have it. We’ll definitely get it to you.”
Me:_ “But too late for THIS Christmas, right?...”

So I left empty handed, but mentally composing the following note to our soon to be disappointed daughter-in-law and son-in-law:

Warning!

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has intercepted a possible WMD labeled “Your Christmas Gift” from a suspected terrorist group, sometimes calling themselves “GrandPa and/or Grammie Perry”. It is being held at the TOP SECURITY LOCATION known as the USPS.

Upon final determination, which can be 5 to 30 days from today, YOU WILL BE notified as to the disposition of the so called “gift”

Attached is an artist’s sketch of the suspect item.

If you have any further questions, don’t bother…..We ARE the Post Office.

Merry Generic Holiday!

C-word...

We're almost there... 

2-2-2!...

Well, I didn’t have to decide whether or not work yesterday. That’s because there were no assignments available. But I do have two assignments booked already for the first week in January.

So its two days, two weeks off with two assignments lined up for next year.

2-2-2!

That must mean something superstitious, doesn’t it? I hope it’s not something bad.

Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all you blog readers! See ya next year when kids get another chance to make my life interesting and worth writing about!

(Now I have to go write our family Christmas letter…)

…Mark

Christmas Assembly...

EG03-G5
EG13-G4

No assignment today, but I had a 4th on Tues and 5th yesterday.

Both schools had a traditional “Christmas Assembly” for the kids where actual Christmas and Hanukah songs were presented. This is in the same district as the school that presented "A Holiday Carol" a couple of weeks ago so it appears that the “School PC Censors” are localized and haven’t gone regional yet.

With only one more subbing day (tomorrow) before the break, I’m tempted to call it quits for the rest of the year to avoid a possible repeat of last year’s fiasco.

I'm "SICK" Of This Class!...

EG01-G4

A really, Really, REALLY late morning call had me at this school at 11:30am. It seems that today, I’m going to be the sub for the sub for the teacher of this 4th grade class.

The lady sub claimed she didn’t feel well and the office called for a sub to complete her assignment. (She really DID sound bad…)

Hey! It never occurred to me that I could call for a replacement just like a regular teacher!!

Wow! Just suppose I happened to get another “class from hell”? I just might feel the onset of some rare symptoms of say……(well I don’t know)….how about “class from hell and I don’t want to be here anymore” syndrome?

“Hello? School office? I’m here (cough, cough) in room (cough!, HAAACK!) 19 and I think I’ve come down with some (WHOOP!, SNOOOORRT!) bug. I need a replacement ASAP!”

Something to think about and hold in reserve…

I’M NOT A GIRL!...

EG03-G6

I had a great class today. I had thirty-two sixth graders. I also had three girls from fifth grade that didn’t make this week’s 5^th graders trip to Walden West Science Camp.

Anyway, what’s better than a good lesson plan? TWO lesson plans!

The teacher not only left a complete, detailed and word processed lesson plan but left me TWO copies! I found one on the teacher’s desk at the back of the room and one on the overhead projector in the front of the classroom. I had NO excuses for not finding one this time.

The worksheets were all organized and in order. The teachers’ edition books were all open to the pages I’d need and in the order to be used. The kids were great and we didn’t have any problems.

I would occasionally walk over to the 5^th graders table to inquire “And how’re my 5^th grade girls doing over here? Keeping busy?”

They would shrug shoulders and give non-committal answers, but they seemed to be working quietly so I mostly let them be.

At the end of the day as the three 5^th graders were leaving the classroom, I remarked. “I hope you girls didn’t have too boring of a day today."

It was then that the cute, dark eye lashed, Indian kid with long dark hair that was pulled up in a top knot and bunched under a white doily like covering informed me: “I’m not a girl…”

ALL DAY! NOT A WORD UNTIL NOW!

Now I feel like a total idiot. I apologized but after ALL day mistaking him for a girl, I’m sure it wasn’t enough. Sheesshh!

But to be fair, it’s just that I’m ignorant about some things…

(I tried to search the web for the proper term for the white doily hat, but can’t find the proper term for it. If I do, I’ll update this post with a photo example)

Dear Santa...

OG02-G1

Dear Santa,

I’ve been mostly pretty good this year. I only screwed up once when I was sick and didn’t leave Mr. HOMEWORK a lesson plan for my class. If I promise never to do it again would you bring me the following stuff from my Christmas list? Please!

1. Four new “Dry Erase” whiteboard markers to replace the ones Mr. HOMEWORK threw away just because they didn’t work anymore.

2. One working three hole punch to replace the two busted ones that Mr. HOMEWORK almost threw in the trash.

3. One new reading center tape player or, even better, an upgrade to CD-player to replace the one that just plays “sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss….” No matter which tape you put in it.

4. One powered pencil sharpener that actually leaves a tip of exposed lead above the wood without resorting to using a whittling knife that Mr. HOMEWORK didn’t have and probably wouldn’t be allowed to bring to school anyway.

Oh, yea! I almost forgot. Would it be possible to get twenty new 1st graders? I would prefer the non-whiney, non-tattling, non-sticky models if at all possible.

Thanks a bunch big guy!

Yours truly,
Ms. H--- (Grade 1)

Half Day Roving Sub...

EG03-G6

I was called today to be a “Roving Sub” for the afternoon.

The first 40mins was…..MY lunch!

This was followed by a total of 1.5 hours of herding three classes totaling 96 sixth graders through various field games under the direction of a “parent activity leader” and two other “parent helpers”.

The only reason I had to be there is to satisfy a state requirement that at least one of the activity adults have a “certified credential”. Otherwise, the school could have done just fine without me and saved the half day $65 substitute teacher pay.

Not sure just where the three 6^th grade teachers were this afternoon. Some kind of conference I guess.

A Holiday Carol!…

EG01-G2

It was in the low 70F’s most of last week. Today it’s cold, windy and pouring rain. Winter has arrived in California.

I took yesterday off because….well…just BECAUSE! Besides, I wasn’t feeling all that great anyway.

Today’s call came at 08:35am to be there at 08:30am for my 2^nd grade class.

I picked up the key from the office and proceeded to the classroom where…there were NO STUDENTS! There was also NO LESSON PLAN!

Now what?

I called the office to find out that two other 2^nd grade classes had split my class and were waiting for me call to send them back.

After I re-assembled my squirmy group, I quizzed the kids on what they usually do in the morning.

“DOL!!!”

Ok, great! I located the Daily Oral Language worksheet for “Thursday week 14” and had them start while I tried to figure out what comes next.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to do anything because the office called and informed me that I needed to take my class over to an assembly in the cafeteria….now!

The assembly was a performance of that classic tale of “A Holiday Carol!”.

Never heard of it? Come on! You know! It’s the one with Scrooge, Tiny Tim and the ghosts of “holiday” past, present and future?

(Dickens should be rolling in his is grave right about now…)

The assembly ends just in time for recess. We’re moving right along on minimum day accomplishments.

Next we do two pages in the math book and Bingo! It’s now time for lunch.

After lunch, the kids inform me that it’s now silent reading time. Sounds good to me, except none of the kids seem to have a book to read.

They ALL want to get a book from the “in class” library….at the SAME TIME!

Exactly 30 seconds after total chaos has ensued, I order everyone OUT of the library and back to their seats.

I then send them in pairs to select a book. I give them EXACTLY EIGHT seconds to select a book and get out! Some had to make return trips because they either couldn’t decide in time or selected crappy books.

Some examples of the crappy books from the “in class” library.

• Hershey’s Chocolate Recipe Cookbook.
• Book of stickers. No words.
• Above grade level Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park paperback.

By the time everyone finally had a book they could and wanted to read, it was time to pack up and go home.

My day is done!…

F minus!…

EG03-G5

Lesson plan excerpt for today:
“Write vocab words on whiteboard:”

1. 1. agressive
2. 2. desperate
3. 3. ramnant

Spelling grade for Ms. C: 33% !!

…F minus!

Post Thanksgiving and Back to Work…

EG03-G5

After a full week of non-work, the schools are in full swing again. The 1st day after a four day weekend seems to be a popular day for subs.

I picked up a two day (Mon/Tues) assignment for 5th grade. The other district that I haven’t worked in since last month has also been phoning non-stop since last night. Sorry guys!

One girl in today’s class was escorted to the classroom door by her mom and wanted me to be sure and “not let her get away with anything!” Her daughter Va__ was, understandably, totally embarrassed. I felt sorry her.

So of course, the only kid I had problems with today was ---- Va__!!

Va__: “I’m sick! (Not more than 10 minutes into class time)…I have to go the bathroom! (5 minutes before recess - Denied!)...Can I get a drink? (Denied!)...I have a headache! (Didn’t believe it – Denied!)...I did the assignment already! (Checked, wasn’t done)...I can’t run! (during P.E.) I have bad knees!...new shoes!...dress jeans! (I saw running during recess in the same shoes and pants)…I can’t walk! (to an alternate suggestion to running)”

Oh! Such whining!

I didn’t realize that the policy of “No student left behind” ended with “…Even if you have to drag them along kicking and screaming!).

In the good ole’ days, if you flunked, you stayed back and repeated the year. It usually took only one repeated year for the kid to figure out that he/she was going to spend MORE time in school this way and get on with the program.

But that was then…

Trade That Prius In On A New Hummer And Save!…

No school at all this week so we turn our attention to the news of the absurd:

If you thought you were going to save money and the planet earth by buying a electric, hybrid or a non-petroleum powered car, think again. While you might save a little piece the planet, you’re not going to save money if the Fed has its way.

From the U.S. Chamber of Congress on Future Highway and Public Transportation Financing:


“…To ensure adequate federal transportation revenues beyond 2015, the federal government can supplement current federal motor fuel taxes with an annual federal vehicle tax on hybrid and non-petroleum powered vehicles so that all passenger vehicles pay their fair share of highway use costs…”

Time to go trade in the Prius for that new Hummer and save on taxes!

Kidding?…

Well it’s Tuesday night and no assignments yet this week.
No school Thursday or Friday, so tomorrow is it or nothing for the week.

I took my book and had lunch at the local McLibrary. You can’t beat the dollar menu for a cheap lunch.

While there, two young “Moms” and their kids were occupying the booth in front of mine when I overheard the following exchange:

Mom1: “Oh, yea! We’re totally into wine, now.”
Mom2: “Really? What kind?”
Mom1: “Bottled!”

Neither mom laughed, so I don’t think she was kidding!

MeatHead Logic…

I found the following story totally bizarre:

Excerpt from linked story titled “Rob Reiner threatens hospitals on ballot issue” at SFGate.com:

“…Hollywood director Rob Reiner warned the California Hospital Association Friday to withdraw or rewrite a ballot proposal it's pushing for 2006, saying it threatens to snatch up to $34 million a year from needy preschoolers…Reiner, a longtime activist, championed a 1998 ballot proposal slapping a 50-cents-a-pack tax on cigarettes to fund health and education programs for children up to 5 years old, now known as First 5 California…Reiner argued the hospital proposal, which calls for a $1.50 tax on each pack of cigarettes to fund emergency rooms and other health programs, would slash First 5 funding….purchases would inevitably decline as smokers shop elsewhere for lower prices or give up the habit.”

Hey Bobby! Wasn’t that the original goal? Encourage people to STOP USING TOBACCO? It sounds bizarre to me to oppose something that motivates people in that direction!

But then this isn’t really about what’s good for the people. It’s about politicians and money. In that context the logic isn’t surprising.

When it comes to California politics, anything that threatens a money source needs to be addressed and kept “All in the Family”.

Potty Humor!…

EG13-G6

Overheard today in the staff lunch room from a 4th grade teacher:

“...You know J--- who sits in the desk at the front of the room near my chair?

He came in, sat down and just started laughing hysterically.
So I asked him: “What’s so funny?”

J--: “I just smelled my own fart from before!!”

I just looked at him for a moment and then picked up my chair and move it across the room.

The entire class, including J---, busted loose!
…”

Quite As A Graveyard…

The last few weeks the phone has been ringing off the hook. Sometimes as many as six calls a day looking for subs to fill assignments.

The last two days was just the opposite. No calls and therefore no work from either district. The school calendars indicate that this week is for teacher/parent conferences. I wonder if that means there were no classes in session yesterday and today.

I do have a class for tomorrow, so I get at least three days this week.

This isn’t a good way to make steady income...

101 Ways To Bug Your Teacher...

EG11-G5
EG03-G5

Monday and Tuesday assignments were 5th grade at different schools. Amazingly both assignment experiences were almost identical.

Both had great classes that were impressed and entertained enough with the HOMEWORK horror story that neither class had any behavior problems.

Both teachers left me incomplete lesson plans. By incomplete, I mean the book, overhead, key, manual I was to use was not anywhere to be found for the indicated activity.

“Winging it” was the order of these two days.

If last Thursdays post about the book "Thirteen Ways To Sink A Sub" was an interesting discovery, at least six of the kids in today’s class had the book titled: "101 Ways To Bug Your Teacher" by Lee Wardlaw.

They said it was sold at the school book fair and sold out in the first 20 minutes.

I reviewed the book and it does indeed have a compiled list in the back of well known tactics kids do use to irritate and infuriate the hapless lone adult at the front of the classroom. This stuff won’t work for those online school teachers. There are probably other tricks to bug people in virtual classrooms.

I don’t remember the list by the numbers, but all the classics are there. In my short career in this job I think I have experienced at least a third of the list.

And for all you pregnant teachers, the author has also penned the sequel: “101 Ways to Bug Your Parents”.

No comment…

Thirteen Ways To Sink A Sub! …

EV15-G5

This is one of three schools in the district that might be described as “being in the bad part of town”. Since tomorrow is Veterans Day, a school holiday, and this week I’ve only had two half day classes, I decided to tough it out and get in a full day, pay day this week. Maybe today will be an exception to the day I’m expecting.

The first page of the teacher’s lesson plan is a letter to “To: My Sub” that starts out with:
“I’ll be really honest with you…”

Uh-Ho…

Letter continues:
“…These kids are really a great group, but they can get to be a handful…”

Well, so much for the hoping for an exception to expectations.

The letter goes on to describe “Isolation Island” where six desks are butted up to and right in front of the teachers desk:

“…Kids at these desks are not allowed to work in groups. They are not allowed to talk to each other or anyone else in class and no one in class is allowed to talk to them. They can only talk when answering questions from you…”

Class starts at 08:05AM and I’m suddenly very, very tired at 07:45AM.

Instead of writing my real name on the board, I write “Mr. Homework”. It’s then that I hear some voices from outside:

“His name is HOMEWORK? Really? Let me see!”

Sure enough a few pairs of eyes are peeking in the window just under poster in the classroom window. The troops are advancing on my position and I can’t call in reinforcements. I’ve done all I can do for now. I’m ready for battle!

At 08:05AM, the enemy advances to surround my position, but I fire the first salvo.

“My name is Mr. Homework” and I relate the story of the FIVE HUNDRED WORD EXTRA HOMEWORK ESSAY! I have their unwavering, riveted attention. I tell them that only two classes have ever had to do the extra essay and only three have survived the day without any letters to “HOMEWORK” on the board. I tell them, I’d like to report to their teacher that this class made it #4 with not even the single letter ‘H’ on the board!

Not a sound or a peep during this introduction to MY CLASS.

At the end, a shy, slow hand is raised to poise a question. I take a second to survey the room. It’s still dead quite as I acknowledge the questioner who asks:

“What’s your wife’s name?”

I give her an evil grin as I respond:
“Mrs. Homework!”

The kids are smart enough to know I’m kidding, so I write my real name on the board and as we begin our day. To my surprise, for the rest of the day they work really hard and whenever the whiteboard board marker is tapped on the board, they all go dead silent.

During the last period silent reading time before dismissal, one girl came up to show me her library reading selection. To my surprise the title is "Thirteen Ways To Sink A Sub"

This can’t be what I think it is, can it? It HAS to be about submarines and naval tactics right? A quick look at the back cover synopsis reveals this book isn’t about any damn boats.

It’s about a substitute teacher on her first subbing day teaching in a 4th grade class. The kids decide to have a contest to see who can make her cry first.

Imagine! She’s reading an INSTRUCTION manual on how to make my day miserable. To say I was “surprised” to find this “humorous” story in an elementary school library is a bit of an understatement.

What’s next: “Tunneling and Excavation for Dummies” in the prison library?

Fortunately, these kids either hadn’t read the book or gave me a “pass” for today because I was able to end the day by telling them that they have made #4 on my list of great classes and I’ll be sure their teacher will know about it.

From Amazon.com
"Thirteen Ways To Sink A Sub"
Book Description:
“Hobie Hanson knows that the sounds coming from across the hall can mean only one thing: 4A has a substitute teacher. And she's sinking fast. Hobie's certain 4B will never be so lucky. Their regular fourth grade teacher, Mr. Star, is as healthy as a horse.

The very next day, though, Mr. Star rushes out of the room -- "indisposed," the principal says -- and Hobie and his classmates hear "s-u-b". They are prepared. No stranger could possibly withstand the volley from their vast arsenal of sub sinkers…”


Card catalog description:
The boys and girls in the fourth grade devise a contest to sink their substitute teacher by making her cry.

Class Mom! …

EV11-K

If I haven’t been called for an assignment by 09:00am from either district, the chances are there isn’t going to be one for that day. I can then make plans accordingly for my non-teaching day.

So just when I thought it was safe to starting calling a couple of buddies to meet for lunch, the phone rings at 12:00 noon for a ½ day Kindergarten assignment starting at 11:30am. This district uses teachers for each morning and afternoon session. The teacher I was to replace today was the morning teacher turned helper for the afternoon teacher.

I got the impression that the school was more surprised than I was when I reported in. I’m guessing that the school is required to put the assignment out on the system even if they have other non-credentialed contingency plans.

The teacher, obviously, did not expect any subs available for the day and had called in two “class moms” to help out.

Since I was there and getting paid, I ended up replacing one of the “class moms” monitoring the kids doing crayon family portraits for the afternoon.

What can I say? A job is a job…

Choices! …

EV15-G5

One of the benefits of this subbing gig is to accept or decline assignments. I can also cancel previously accepted assignments. While I haven’t done that yet, the chance to trade a half day/half pay job for a full day or a better class assignment is a good option to have.

Last night an hour after I accepted a half day job at the country club school, I got a call for a full day assignment at the school from hell in the other district.

So after weighing all the pros/cons, pluses/minuses, ups/downs it took a long millisecond to decide an extra ½ day in hell for the additional $50 just wasn’t worth it…..today!

I’m sure the districts frown on the practice of canceling accepted jobs. If true, it’s not serious enough to offer extra “combat pay” for the more difficult schools or higher daily rates to keep us exclusive to one district.

Two Blutos and a Popeye! …

EG11-G6

If you could just pick and choose the students you want, then maybe 6th grade students might be tolerable.

I’m a pretty easy going guy with kids, but three boys in this class seemed determined to see how far they could push me before I cracked. Two big Bluto types and a skinny Popeye character continually tried to disrupt the class during the last part of the day.

The Mr. HOMEWORK thing kept the class on target for the first half of the day. But these three boys decided, evidentially, that after only the letter “H” was earned for the first half of the day, the possibility of the extra essay assignment was out of reach for the remainder of the day. As a result, these three characters earned “OMEWOR” during the last hour of class.

They seemed to relish the power they had over the rest of the class in determining the fate of the rest of the class in earning the extra essay assignment.

That was until, after earning “R”, I announced that, as “Mr. Homework”, I can and do sometimes reserve the right to change the rules on who might and might not be included in the extra assignment.

With that, I simply added the names of “Bluto1, Bluto2” and “Popeye” to my special hit list and announced that the extra essay will be assigned to these three and anyone else that I felt needed the extra attention.

That muted my “special guys” for the rest of the day and brightened the mood of the rest of the kids in class.

Suspended Poop! …

OG7-G4

Despite my resolve to not accept any more assignments above grade 3 at this school, I did.

With no assignment calls this week and since I do need the $SD, I accepted this 4th grade assignment about 15 minutes before the class was due to clear the classroom door.

I barely had time to get to the school and make it to the classroom to open the door before the students started filing in. No “prep time” today!

Fourth grade boys are full of crap.

As if to prove the point, several of my boys were flying in and out of the bathroom during recess yelling things like “Gross!”, “It smells!, “Someone pooped all over the seat in there!” And then, unbelievably, they’d run BACK in with a buddy or two who hadn’t seen/smelled it yet to re-experience the fascinating event.

I, myself, declined several offers to “go see for yourself!” Unfortunately, the janitor had no such option.

Add to this a call from the office that one of my boys was being suspended for reasons they declined to disclose, simply reinforced my initial pledge to resist any more assignments above grade 3.

All I Want For Christmas Is Two Stump Teeth...Fixed!

I think this is the first day of this school year that there have been NO calls for an assignment. I turned down an assignment yesterday because Claudette and I both had dentist appointments.

One of the reasons I started subbing, is to supplement our income to backfill the “unexpected” bills that come with age (ours, the car and the house).

Instead of adding the bills up in $US, which is very depressing, I now tend to calculate our expenses in $SD (Dollars per Subbing Day)

This week’s total:

Tires for the car: 7 $SD

Dentist bill for drilling, filling and crowning my tooth stump: 7.5 $SD

Another dentist bill for drilling, filling and crowning Claudette’s tooth stump (same tooth location): 7.5 $SD

Now, doesn’t 22 $SD sound much better than 2175.00 $US?

Extra Recess Drags!...

EV16-G5

I subbed this class about a month ago. The class behavior was pretty much the same as back then.

The only unusual item on the lesson plan was “25 minutes of extra recess” which I originally thought was going to be pretty easy duty until I had to stand around doing nothing for that half hour.

After checking my watch several times, I realized that being bored really drags…

The Legend of Mr. HOMEWORK!...

OG24-G6

Today was a late morning call for a 6th grade, half day assignment back at the same school where the legend of MR. HOMEWORK began.

When I took the assignment, I didn’t realize that this was the same school. I walked in to the class already in progress and saw a kid look up and do one of those classic comic double takes.

Then I heard some of the kids whispering: “remember the 500 word essay?”…”the HOMEWORK guy!”…“Is that the same guy?”

Yep! This class of 6th graders had more than a few of the same kids that spawned the story of what is known around this school as “the day a sub gave a class an extra homework assignment of a FIVE HUNDRED WORD essay”.

Of course the other kids wanted to know the details and so I let one of the more knowledgeable kids relate the story. As a result I got to hear about what transpired after I left the school that fateful afternoon.

It turns out that the kids did follow through with the assignment. One kid had an extra 200 tacked on his after back talking to the principal claiming that he wasn’t going to do it. The principle told them that “she is going to count each and every word to make sure it’s done”.

The following day, the teacher lambasted the class and took all “fun” privileges away for a month for embarrassing her and the school.

As for the letter writer, I found out that she is in a different class this year. I’m glad she got her wish to be transferred out and I’m glad to see that the school administration will back a “guest teacher” when it’s warranted.

It seems that the lesson and legend still worked today, as all I had to do to gain control was raise the white board marker and look menacing to remind them that I’m not bluffing.

After all, I’m MR. HOMEWORK!...

Imitation...

EG13-G3

They say that “imitation” is the sincerest form of “flattery”….unless it’s a vocabulary word for 3rd graders and they decide to “imitate” the substitute teacher for the rest of the day. Then it’s just plain “annoying”.

Also “funny” but mostly just “annoying”…

Going To Hell If They Don't Comply?...

Posted by the Asbury Park Press on 10/24/05

BY LAURA BRUNO
GANNETT NEW JERSEY

When students post their faces, personal diaries and gossip on Web sites like Myspace.com and Xanga.com, it is not simply harmless teen fun, according to one Sussex County Catholic school principal.

It's an open invitation to predators and an activity that Pope John XIII Regional High School in Sparta will no longer tolerate, the Rev. Kieran McHugh told a packed assembly of 900 high school students two weeks ago.

Effective immediately, and over student complaints, the teens were told to dismantle their Myspace.com accounts or similar sites with personal profiles and blogs. Defy the order and face suspension, students were told.
......

Full article here:
Principal curbs kids' Internet activity

What’s The Deal With Adolescent Girl Screaming?...

EG16-G3

Today’s class was twenty 3rd graders! There was an even balance of ten boys and ten girls.

All, except one, were enthusiastic about doing the daily book work without cajoling from me. The exception was one boy who either “forgot” all his books at home or someone “stole” all his books from his desk. He didn’t really know which.

Duly noted on the after action substitute teacher report.

No messing around. Mr. HOMEWORK worked like a charm to keep the noise level in the classroom down. The final 30minutes of PE before dismissal was another matter.

I had them run relay races. Since I had 10 of each flavor, I had them run boys against the girls. Pretty close race resulted in some pretty excited kids cheering their team on!

The race was over and there were eight of the ten of the girls, bent at the waist, eyes squeezed shut, fists vibrating, standing there SCREAMING.

I MEAN PHYSICALLY PAINFUL, SHRIEKING PITCH, MAX VOLUMN LEVEL SCREAMING for all the lung power these little girls were worth.

Amazingly, they appeared to be having FUN doing it!

I’ve noticed this phenomena, occasionally, over my short time on this earth, that little girls (and maybe some adult ones too?) just seem to like to scream for the sound it makes. They aren’t hurt, they aren’t scared, they aren’t in any danger, they just SCREAM for the hell of it.

What’s up wit dat?

Can someone explain it to me? Isn’t the experience as painful to their little ears as it is to mine? Does the average adolescent female actually find pleasure in this activity?

Really! I want to know!

The Class Spy!...

EG13-G5

Day #2 with the same class and it went smooth as silk. That today was a short day is just an added bonus.

As they were filing out at the end of the day, I heard several of the kids asking each other: “Who was the spy?”

Since we didn’t have any reading or writing lessons dealing with “spies”, I asked a couple on the way out the door what the deal was with “THE SPY!”.

They told me that sometimes their teacher will ask one of the students in class to “be the spy” to take notes and relate any problems the class had when she was out. It sounded like the emphasis was more on collecting intelligence about which kids were acting up .vs. how “my performance” went as the substitute teacher.

While I instinctively know that the teachers are curious how the “guest teacher” did with his/her charges and probably does ask a few questions on how the experience went, it’s still a little unnerving to find out that I might have had a “SPY” working undercover, taking notes, compiling a dossier for who knows what purpose.

Could this be the actual reason this class was so smooth to work with? Is there really a spy or is this some kind of psychological classroom technique this teacher uses to instill behavior control by telling them “…there might be an activated narc. So behave!”

Will I be subjected to “extra security” at the school office the next time I’m at the school? Am I being paranoid? Will I end up on the TSA no-fly list? Am I talking to myself again?

Who said that?