They Did What Now?...

Just when you think you have heard all the kinds of stupid antics kids do in school, something new comes along to prove you wrong.

It was lunchtime in the staff lounge and I had just sat down for lunch when three very agitated teachers entered:

T1:  I can't believe it.

T2:  I couldn't believe it either! What were they thinking??

T3:  They weren't thinking, that's the problem!!

While it's not polite to eavesdrop, I could not ignore the very loud, agitated discussion.

T1: I mean, in the bathroom of all places. Disgusting doesn't begin to describe it!

T2: That's what boys do. Disgusting stuff...just showing off!

T3: But they were peeing on each other!! All five of them! Peeing on each other! And laughing about it!

T2: You don't hear girls doing anything like that.

T1: Girls can't do that...can they? I don't see how it would be physically possible.

I'm guessing that school day (year?) is over for these boys and parents have been called to pick them up.

Now before you make assumptions about the social/economic makeup of the pupil population at this school, let me tell you that this is one of the three highest rated schools in the district. Over the years, I've seen kids dropped off at school in Mercedes, Lexus,Tesla, every make of electric car currently on the market and even one Lamborghini.

I would have liked to see what car the boys' parents drove over to pick them up...

Up His Nose...

It's usually not a good sign when you see a group of 5^th grade boys surrounding a kid in the middle of the playground.

As I approached the group, I heard snatches of comments coming from the group:

"How'd  he do it?"

"It's almost out!"

"He really got it up there!"

"Here, maybe he can use this stick to get it out"

Me: What's going on guys?

Kid: He put a rock up his nose!

Me: What?

Kid: Yea! He said he's done it before!

The circle opened to reveal "rock sniffer" bent over at the waist gingerly picking at the left nostril.

Sure enough, I could just see the pointed tip of the rock peeking out. It wasn't a smooth, rounded pebble but from what I could see what looked like a small jagged chip of sidewalk concrete.

As to WHY he put a rock up his nose, his response was: "I wanted to see if it could fit."

The kid wasn't panicked or crying, but his nose looked red and tender as he continued his attempts to reposition the rock for a smoother exit. I wasn't going to wait and see.

"Come on, Dude we're going to the office now and get some help!"

Before we got more than a couple steps, he managed to extract the rock. He was holding it up proudly so his friends could see it. It was his next comment that made me wonder how this kid was going to survive his childhood.

"I wonder if it will fit on the other side?"

(At this point I took his rock away.)

Relating the incident in the teacher's lounge, one of the teachers who heard the name said: "Yep, I could have guessed."

It's official - School Year 2012-13

The new school year started last week and I was able to pick up a half day in a 3rd grade classroom on Monday and a two day, 5th grade assignment for Thursday and Friday.  

The two days with the 5th graders was just average. Constant requests to "watch a movie" (not on the lesson plan) and requests for when they get P.E. (also not on the lesson plan). The best part of this assignment was the Hawaiian shortbread cookies and chilled Diet Pepsi the teacher left for me (That was on the lesson plan!).

I needed the caffeine.

The 28 newly minted 3rd graders on the other hand, couldn't have been more fun. One boy surprised me with his problem solving math skills.

The worksheet question was: How many teddy bears are there in the picture?

While all the other kids started counting, he called out "13" without apparently counting. I asked how he came up with the correct answer so quickly.

"It's easy! There are three rows of four bears and one extra. Three times four is twelve and one extra makes 13"

I not sure at what grade they start teaching multiplication facts, but I'm pretty sure this kid is ahead of the curve.

You Know the Year Is Over…Part II

The school staff knows it’s over when they send a late comer student to the classroom with a tardy slip indicating the student is late because…

“My shoes flew up into a tree” – Unexcused

(sigh!)

Mandated Reporter…

All school district employees, including subs, are designated “mandated reporters”.

I sometimes feel that applying common sense to an incident isn’t worth the risk when criminal and other legal sanctions for failing to report even possible suspected situations are pretty harsh. The obvious situations are clear but sometimes my gut tells me that some situations don’t really warrant reporting but general rule is: “When I doubt, report”

Today was a pretty good day with a fairly large 5^th grade class when one of the girls brought me her library book. Inside the cover was the post-it note:

“If you open this book, we will rape you!”….and it was signed!

First names only but the office staff pretty much had an idea who they were. I’m pretty sure it was just a sick joke since they could not possibly know who the next person to check the book out would be.

I’m kinda saddened that 5^th graders these days even know what “rape” is.

No One Fails Anymore…

(I’m probably going to get flamed for this but…)

The Individualized Education Program (IEP), mandated by the “Disabilities Education Act”, is supposed to address kids who have delayed skills or other disabilities that make learning or functioning in a school environment difficult.

I’ve subbed classes with IEP kids before and I truly feel for the well behaved 4th grader that tries real hard to do the “individualized” 2nd grade math problems and still doesn’t “get it”. The more serious disruptive behavior cases often have a personal aide that attends class with them and will handle the issues that come up.

But, like any government program, I suspect that the “IEP” can be misused as an excuse for just plain lazy, careless work.

I just completed a 2-day stint with group of friendly, good natured, cooperative 5th graders at the country club school. But there always seems to be at least one “goof ball” who isn’t quite with the program. Let’s call him “Dave” for anonymity reasons.

Dave is also friendly, cooperative, and good natured but doesn’t do any work. If pressed, he can do the work with constant prompting but on his own, when my back is turned, he spends his time in class drawing posters. He has an IEP.

His IEP (briefly explained on the lesson plan) allows him to complete only about half the homework and/or class work. The problem with Dave is that he hasn’t done even the half he is supposed to do.

Now I’m only guessing but given the nature and make up of the school, I suspect that Dave’s low performance isn’t up to the expectations of his highly successful parents and therefore it must be a bad school or some medical condition as a reason for their son’s poor performance. Since the school is one of the highest rated schools in Calif, the problem must therefore be “medical”.

No one is simply allowed to fail anymore.

For more on (possible) misuses of the IEP program, check out the Untouchables on Buckhorn Road

Moth Dakota...

I’m not sure if it’s a state wide, district wide or just this school where all 5th graders do a “State Report”. They collect research, data and illustrations on one of US states for compilation into a handmade book. They are allowed to use any resources before refining as a finished product for grade.

My job today as a roving sub ended in a 5th grade class where one student was designing, in pencil, the title and illustrations for the front cover of his book. I noticed an error and being a helpful substitute teacher that I am, suggested that he recheck the spelling of “Noth Dakota”.

I’m almost positive he was kidding when he showed me the corrected title: “Moth Dakota”

Flipped Update…

The Christmas break is over and a new year begins. Well…should begin as soon as I get that first call for 2011.

One of the last classes I covered before the Christmas break was a 5th grade class. Of course the lesson planned, end of day video listed wasn’t anywhere to be found.

Fortunately, I had in my bag a DVD video of the new movie Flipped that the publicist for the production company sent me as a freebie for mentioning the movie in a previous blog post. Since I hadn’t viewed the movie beforehand, I consulted with another grade level teacher to see if it would be ok to use as a substitute. She really liked the idea as they had just finished reading the book as a class a couple weeks earlier.

Just before lunch, I told the class that I had a movie that they hadn’t seen before (it was released a few weeks before) and when I told them the title, they were excited…well most of them anyway. One girl told me that she had already seen it on Netflix, PPV or some such like video service. Fortunately, she was the only one to have seen it as the rest were really interested to see the movie adaptation of a book they knew so well.

Normally, classroom movies are hit and miss attention wise. I don’t require students to actually watch the movies as long as they aren’t disruptive for those who do. This was the first movie I’ve shown in class where almost everyone was engrossed in the story line. Unfortunately, the movie had about 15 minutes left when the end of school bell rang. But that didn’t result in the expected mass exodus of kids storming the exit before the movie ended. Most of them lingered as long as possible until about a third of the class who didn’t have a bus to catch or parents waiting, stayed to see the end.

From the first and single viewing with the class, I guess I’d have to call the movie a “hit”!

They Fooled Me…

I don’t have that gift for remembering names. Whether it’s a curse or gift depends on circumstances.

I’m doomed when it comes to remembering 20-30 names of kids in class that I have just met or haven’t seen for several weeks. Conversely, there seem to be hundreds of kids that know me by sight and name at all the schools I work

When I arrive on campus to pick up the attendance sheet and walk the gauntlet path to my assigned classroom, I’m always greeted by name by students waiting to be allowed on playground before school. I’ll wave back and respond with a non-committal greeting response.

This last month, I’ve been working in the same 5th grade class twice a week while the teacher is getting some kind of medical treatment. After the 2nd week, I could almost put names to faces of about half the class. Even if I couldn’t remember a name, I did recognize the face of every kid that belonged in this class.

It helps remembering names when you have to use them several times a day to get certain people back in the academic instead of entertainment frame of mind. Others I might remember for unusual physical features or characteristics. On the last week of this multi-week assignment, I went to the playground to “collect” my class for the walk to the classroom.

When I was in hearing range, several kids were telling me that they had a new kid in class. Sure enough, the second kid in line was a new face I didn’t recognize.

I said “Hello, What’s your name?” to the newbie boy who gave no response of any kind.

“He doesn’t speak English. He’s from France!” the kid next to him informed me. A quick look at the lesson plan had no notes about a new “French kid” or how I was supposed to work with him.

I’m thinking: “Great! Just great!"

Back at the classroom, I started taking attendance waiting to see which name this kid would respond to.

When I get to “Sam” and the kid responds with “Here!” I repeat the name again using the first and last name I know is absolutely not French in origin and belongs to a kid that doesn't seem to be in class today.

The French kid responds: “Hey Mr. Homework! It’s me! Don’t you recognize me?”

I’m clueless. If I have seen this kid before, I don’t recognize him now.

I take a closer look at “Sam” and remember that “Sam” was the kid I mistook for a girl on that first day because of his long, dark hair, gender neutral build and clothing. He now sports a short haircut and looks totally different. He looks like a boy.

Sam: “I got a haircut because I got tired of everyone thinking I looked like a girl”, he says with a big grin, “Did I fool ya?”

Me: “That you did, Sam. You got me! I just hope I recognize you the next time I’m here”

BTW: This isn’t the first time I had difficulty recognizing boys .vs. girls

Privacy 101

I find that embarrassment is a pretty good deterrent to continuing distractions in the classroom. Passing notes instead of doing work is one such distraction I tolerate only at a minimal level. I warn the students that I read everything I find on notes being passed around or found on the floor. I even suggest that I might share a few of the more interesting ones out loud with the class.

“In general, if you want to keep it private, don’t do it in class.” More than a few haven’t taken me seriously.

Such was the incident in a 5th grade class last week when three girls were fighting over a tiny address book in the back of the classroom. After an ignored warning to “knock it off and put it away” I walked back and confiscated it, telling the owner she could have it back after class.

Returning to my desk at the front of the class, I made a show of opening the book, turning the pages, not really reading lists of names, addresses, Face Book handles and email addresses of classmates. Every now and again I’d make non-committal comments like: “Hmm! Interesting!, Oh, wow!” while surreptitiously watching the book owner squirm in her seat. After a minute or so, I believed that I had made my point, was ready close the book and place it in the desk drawer until the final bell.

That’s when I turned the page and saw it! The sudden shock or surprised look on my face must have registered or maybe it was something I uttered under my breath but the kid knew I had seen it.

There, entered on the next page was MY personal email address!!!

Now it was me that had that stunned, surprised and pissed all at the same time look. I didn’t want to overreact in front of the rest of the class. I simply looked at the book owner and gestured that she should approach the desk.

When she came close enough, I turned the page and pointed with a questioning look.

“Where and when did you get this?” I whispered, pointing to my email address. Her explanation was simple and direct: “From the paper on your clipboard. I saw it when you were helping me with rounding up numbers in math.”

Sure enough, I see that part of my contact information on the end of day status report has slipped just a bit beyond the bottom of lesson plan that is on top.

There wasn’t much I could do at this point but to but cross out the email address and warn the girl that I wasn’t happy that she had copied stuff that she knew she wasn’t supposed to have access to without permission.

I normally try to end blog entries with clever quips or a summation phrase but…nothing comes to mind for this one.

Still stunned and pissed I guess.

Being Flexible…

Friday was the last day of a three day, pre-arranged assignment for a teacher I really like in a class I really like. The first two days it was actually fun to be there. The teacher had laid out detailed plans with books and materials logically arranged. Since I was to be there for three consecutive days, I even had the advantage of reviewing the next day’s plan before I left the classroom.

Friday, I arrived for my last day of this assignment to a school office in chaos. Thirty percent (10) of the teachers were out and they were scrambling to find subs to fill the last minute sick calls. I was SO glad I already had a class that I knew I was prepared for, a class I knew I wouldn’t have any problems with and that was “fun” to be with.

That was before the principal tracked me down while I was on morning yard duty.

“We’re having problems lining up enough subs for all the teachers that are out today. I’m trying to shift people around and I need you to sub for Ms. N in 6th today. I’ll cover your 5th grade class for the first hour until the sub I lined up for your class gets here.”

My questioning look must have conveyed my wounded confusion.

If you have a sub coming in an hour late and you are going to cover the first hour why does that involve me moving from a great 5th grade class to a 6th grade class where I know there are no plans, is a class known to be the same or worse than the one I previously described as the “day I quit” while she gets MY primo class?

As explained by prince, this sub normally only works K-3rd graders and was reluctant to agree to work with 6th graders. In desperation the prince promised he’d arrange it so she would not have to deal with “big scary kids”.

His solution was to give ME the “big scary kids” and hand over my fun class because: “You’re a guy and I know you can handle them”. As it turned out “handle” is a synonym for “survive”.

Sometimes it doesn’t pay to be flexible…

Update: 03/31/2010

I was at the school and met with the teacher of my aborted three day assignment. She related that the Friday I was switched to 6th, her kids had the school psychologist for the first part of the morning, a sub for the rest of the morning and a different sub for the afternoon! She described her kids’ reactions of that day as “disorienting” at best.

In reality, I thought the school psychologist should have taken my 6th graders for the whole day. She probably could have written a couple of books on “abhorrent childhood behavior” from that one experience alone.

Persnickety…

Having students “read out loud” is sometimes very painful.

Readers that are painfully slow as they try to decipher words that they should know by 5th and 6th grade, painfully hard to listen to as they mutter monotone throughout the section or read machine-gunned words nonstop with no consideration for punctuation marks or spaces between words.

“Here’s a tip!” I suggested to one machinegun boy, “When you come to a period or question mark, take a breath before continuing. All that got me was exaggerated inhale-exhale sound effects at the end of every sentence to the amusement of the rest of the class.

At least I know he’s reading!

When time starts getting tight and I know they have a worksheet or practice book page to complete for the reading session, I’ll sometimes take over the reading and let them follow along.

In reading an essay about Alaska’s grizzly bears, I was attempting to cover the last three pages of the story to allow them time to complete the associated practice book page.

“….in the Unites States…( “LOWER Unites States!” interrupted the buzz cut kid on my left)…uh, yes! You are right…in the lower United States…blah, blah, blah…one day...( “one AUTUMN day!” (buzz cut kid again)…(me with a baleful look: “right again!...one autumn day …blah, blah, blah…you don’t want to bump heads with a bear while berry picking...( BC: “BLUEBERRY picking!”)…

At this point, the girl across the table told him that he was being rude and to knock it off. “Yea, quit being so persnickety!” her friend chided in.

After giving an impressed, approving look at persnickety-girl, for using that totally unexpected unusual word in correct context, I addressed the class.

Yes it IS a bit rude to correct the teacher while reading, but I DID skip some words. At least I know he’s reading along, even if it’s only to spot my next mistake.

As soon as I said it, I knew I’d regret it.

As I read the last few pages at a slower pace to make absolutely sure I didn’t skip any words, thirty kids were focused on the text, word by word, line by line to see who could be the first detect my next error.

At least I know they’re reading!

Flemmy Loogies

I worked only two half-day assignments this week. Took myself off the sub list for today to go out and find me some drugs for the hacking-cough-flemmy-loogie thing that’s going around.

Several people I know have had it for a month or more. At Claudette's suggestion I tried Mucinex-D and seems to get me through the night and the next morning. I just hope it gets me through four subbing assignments starting Monday.

I would have taken myself off the list for the next week, but a teacher actually begged me to take her class for two days. She insisted they were a great class.

Wanting to say "no", I agreed figuring I'd still have the rest of the week off.

Then I get a call the next day at home from another teacher at the same school: "I know you're already subbing for Ms. F on Mon/Tues so can I have you for Wed/Thur?"

Now how is it going to look at this point if I already said "yes" to one and "no" to her friend?

So now I'm working MOST of next week and counting pills to see if I can make it through to next Friday.

I wonder how many boxes of the stuff I can buy before the government thinks I’m a PCP chemist?

It's Only January...

Subbing 5th graders on Tuesday, I pretty much listed all the boys in the class as disruptive. Each trying to out “goof-ball” each other to see who would win the #1 slacker award for the day.

By contrast, today’s 5th grade class (different school) had only one goof-ball. Not a boy but a cute, petite girl with a huge bubbly personality but zero work ethic and no sense of “personal space”.

Constantly out of her seat and wandering the room visiting friends whenever my back was turned. The final straw was when I caught her sneaking around with scissors in hand trying to snip off part of another girls pony tail.

“You’re gonna write my name down aren’t you...”, she said as I confiscated the scissors before any serious damage occurred. “You got it, kid”, writing her up and checking the clock to see how much more time until the final bell.

Maybe tomorrow will be better at yet another school, but with different 5th graders.

Are You Weirder Than a 5th Grader?

I sometimes get weird questions and comments from students in the classes I sub.

Usual questions and comments:

• How old are you?
• You’re funny!
• Are you married?
• Do you have kids?
• Is your wife a sub too?

Weird questions and comments:

• Can I touch your head?

That last comment was made by a 5th grader while in the company of her regular teacher, no less. A baleful look from me and a “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” from her teacher ended that discussion.

What’s the weirdest question or comment you’ve ever heard from a 10yr old non-family member?

Wired For Sound…

From part of the email I received from the teacher for this 5th grade class last week:

“…I am planning to head in early to work tomorrow morning for lesson plans for you. I just wanted to give you a little back ground of some of my kids…

…J has hearing aids but does not like to discuss it in front of the class. I normally wear an ear piece/mic that feeds into her hearing aid, however having strep throat I am not going to have you wear it. She is really good at reading lips. Her hearing loss is mild but do not get mad at her if you think she is not listening. When talking to her, just make sure you have eye contact and you’re not talking to her back.”

When I came in the next morning, I saw the ear piece/mic on the desk. It was a single over the ear, flesh colored, straw mic that you sometimes see worn by actors and singers in stage performances. Connected to a separate, small battery control pack it didn’t look like much. But, what a fantastic use in the classroom for a kid with hearing problems!

I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t get a chance to use it but not disappointed enough to risk getting strep throat. J did just fine in class. I did have to remind myself, at times, to look in her direction when giving instruction and reading. It was the other times that “being wired for sound” might have been a distinct disadvantage.

Just how sensitive is that mic? What is its range? You have to be extra careful in what you say when you think no one can hear you.

I asked a few questions about the sensitivity and range of the technology at lunch in the teachers lounge. One of the aides told me that the teacher was in the classroom during recess one day and was wondering much the same thing. She saw J leaning against a tree on the lawn.

Through a closed classroom door and in a calm voice she said: “J, can you hear me?” and watched as J turned around and waved at her from about 100ft away.

So…when Robert emptied the contents of another kids desk on the floor when I was in the classroom, did I use an inaudible expletive before I unloaded on him or did I just think it? Would I have forgotten to take the mic off before going to the teachers lounge for lunch or used the bathroom?

All good things to think about the next time I’m in this classroom and wired for sound…

Walk Don’t Walk…

At the elementary school, yard duty is actually pretty boring duty. Be the adult presence in the yard. Walk around and keep the peace. Attempt to have the eyes in the back of your head to see that errant basketball before it hits you in the back.

“Walk! Don’t run!” is the order of the day even though it seems counter productive to not to encourage a healthy activity like running just for the fun of it.

Someone might fall and hurt themselves is the explanation. But we’re sending mixed signals, commanding kids to “RUN! Don’t walk!” laps during P.E. class. These are the same kids who would willingly chase after each other at tilt-a-whirl speed for the entire 20min recess if we let them.

The playgrounds we had when we went to school were all concrete or asphalt. Yea, there were some skinned knees and sore elbows, but it was part of the risk of having fun. You quickly learned the limits of your gymnastic ability.

Now the school playgrounds, where all the climbing bars, swings and slides are located, have a spongy rubber matted surface underlay to cushion any fall. Does this reduce the risk of injury? My informal observations seem to indicate that kids tend to jump off swings and climbing bars from much higher heights than I ever remember doing.

I guess I’m supposed to discourage jumping off things any higher than a foot or so but they don’t seem to be injuring themselves, so I let it slide. They’re having fun.

(…Why is that teacher with the horrified look running over here? Should blow my whistle and yell at her to “WALK, DON’T RUN?”)

Good Class In a Not So Good Neighborhood…

G5

I sub at this school maybe 3-4 times a year. I believe that the last time I was here, the police had just nabbed a guy that lived in the apartments bordering the school for murdering his girlfriend and dumping the body at the city landfill.

As we were coming up to the first recess, a man entered from a connecting classroom and ran out our door.

“Uhh…Who was THAT?”, I asked the kids. “That’s Jesse the janitor”, they answered with no further explanation.

A bit later there is an announcement that recess will be delayed until further notice and that the teachers are to keep the kids in the classroom until otherwise informed.

It seems that a kid (teenager) from the neighborhood was kicked out of his house and decided to take a nap…on the school field. When asked to leave, he replied: “That ain’t gonna happen” and went back to sleep. That was when the police were called to haul his ass away.

I found this out in the teachers lounge at lunch from the teacher that tried to get the kid to leave without involving the police. He told me that police actions like this happen on campus two or three times a year.

Sub for the Sub for the Sub…

G5

Subfinder, the automated substitute teacher system, described the assignment as a 5th grade class for “employee name not listed” so when I arrived at the school, I couldn’t answer the question: “Who are you here for?”

When I explained what details I wasn’t given, the office secretary looked it up and informed me that I was “the sub for the sub for the long term sub for Ms. Teacher”.

It seems that teacher was out on maternity leave for the rest of the year and her “long term” was out on a couple weeks vacation while HER sub was out today.

So they get me.

I knew it was going to be a long boring day when I saw the lesson plan:

Play Practice: Crowd control while the other 5th grade teachers conduct play practice.

Math: Strategy and probability. (Let them play card games.)

Silent Reading: 30 minutes

Social Studies: In groups of 2-3, select one of the "First Amendments to the Constitution" and make a poster illustrating what it means.

The Social Studies book did not have the actual wording of any of the Constitutional Amendments. Instead, the book had only a short summary version of each one. Most of the kids selected the amendment summary with the shortest description.

Writing: Write a formal letter to your teacher to about how this year in class has helped you succeed. (I’m not sure exactly which teacher they were supposed to write to.)

PE: Volleyball

The teachers have checked out for the year and so have the kids. In fact I’m already scheduled to work the whole last week, including the last day of school, before summer break.

Let the fun and games begin!

No Pee in the Soap Dispenser…

Crisis of the day:
Three of my 5th grade girls came running back to the classroom after the start of recess. “Mr. Homework, Mr. Homework! Someone peed in the soap dispenser in the girl’s bathroom!”

This was a first. While I don’t know the soap situation in the girls’ bathroom, I know the dispensers are mounted on the wall above the sinks in the boys’ room. I couldn’t even imagine, if it WAS true, just how someone could have managed to accomplish such a physical feat.

Me: How do you KNOW it’s pee in the soap dispenser?
Girls: It’s supposed to be pink soap and it’s all orangey, yellow and icky!

Me: Maybe custodian just filled it with different color soap today.
Girls: No, no, no, come see!

Well, I’m not venturing into the girls room for soap viewing, so instead I notified the school office and reported the “pee in the soap dispenser” situation.

Result? Due to swine flu precautions, the school district is requiring all the soap dispensers to be filled with anti-bacterial (anti-viral?) soap. Why it had to be pee yellow, I don’t know but…

There is NO pee in the soap dispensers!