School Assemby Programs...

The “school assembly” is the equivalent of the “all hands meeting” in the corporate world. Everyone is required to attend; it isn’t an option. It’s also rarely of any value to the attendees and a big disruption to any actual work getting accomplished.

Come to think of it, that may have been the turning point in my previous career, when at one such meeting soliciting suggestions to boost productivity in the work place, that my pointed suggestion to schedule fewer “meaningless meetings” was not favorably received.

But that’s another story.

The school assembly seems to come in two varieties. The school sponsored rallies like spirit day, fund raisers, and school awards are pretty much choreographed, tame events. The PTA and other parent group sponsored assembly programs bring in an outside professional “performance” for the kids. These performances promote principles like character building, anti-bullying, anti-drugs, eating healthy, stranger danger…etc.

The job of the substitute teacher at these events is usually to sit on a hard metal folding chair at the side and look menacingly in the direction of anyone who is overly disruptive to others around him/her.

Every once in a while the “audience participation”, especially in the lower grades, will surprise the teachers and the actors with an unexpected response to the performance.

So it was, during a last minute switch of class assignments to 6th grade last week and no lesson plan, that the principal instructed me to take the class to the morning PTA assembly for the lower grades. His reasoning was that it would allow me 45mins to review the daily lesson plan he’d be obtaining shortly.

“Just have them sit in the back, behind the 3rd graders.”

The male and female acting duo were presenting the “Arthurian Legend” incorporating the British characters and legends of Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, Sword in the Stone, Templar Knights, the Holy Grail and who knows what else…

I was going over the lesson plan with only partial attention to the stage.

By the sounds of laughter from the audience, the young kids were having a great time with the story. A quick look over at my 6th graders revealed bored, mild attentiveness. Back to the plan!

A shout of “Stab her!!” interrupted my plan review.

On stage, the Templar knight with raised sword was standing over a cowering figure of the witch Morgana .

A second later, the teachers on the other side of the room suddenly came to life as two 2nd graders were on their feet, fist pumping in the air and chanting “Kill her, Kill her…” while other 2nd graders were trying to pull the pair back down into a seated position.

The teachers moved into the crowd and restored order. The play resumed with the “witch problem” taken care of “non-fatally”.

The 6th graders, previously bored to tears, were now highly entertained by the excitement.

If “kid mob” mayhem is what excites 6th graders today, maybe I could suggest the book: “Lord of the Flies” for this group?…

No Touchin' Parts...

G6

Half of January has slipped by without any calls. So I took this morning’s 06:30am call for a 6^th grade assignment.

Wait, I have to take that back. I did get three calls from teachers last week but they were for classes in mid-February so I can’t count those for the January payday.

I’ve been at this school, maybe three times since I started subbing three years ago. It’s in a not so great area of town so I knew I might be in for a rough day.

There was a school “Expectations Assembly” listed for 08:45am and a two hour movie for the afternoon. There wasn’t much teachable instruction listed on the lesson plan so my job today is mainly crowd control.

08:45am: I had the troop of 30 kids walk over to the cafeteria only to be told that the upper grade assembly was at 09:15am, so back to class.

09:15am: We’re back at the cafeteria and I can see the lower grade assembly is still in progress. I’m then instructed to return to the classroom and come back at 09:30am. I also notice that we’re the only upper grade class to show up at 09:15am so I’m looking a little incompetent not knowing when and where I’m supposed to be today.

09:30am: I’m tempted to wait in the classroom until someone calls but, instead, I dutifully march them over the third time today and walk into a totally empty cafeteria.

The boys immediately start baseball sliding across the floors while I’m trying to decide if I should take them back to class, for the third time today or wait a few to see if the other classes start to show.

Fortunately, another class showed up a few minutes later followed by the rest of the 4^th, 5^th and 6^th graders.

The principal’s “Expectations Assembly” is basically all the rules listed in the student handbook they all get at the beginning of the year.

It’s the same “Expectations Assembly” the principal does twice each year, every year.

Some of the highlights:

1) How to use the bathroom:

• Pee and crap in the toilet, not on the seat or floor.
• Flush.
• Wash your hands.

2) Attendance

• Show up every day
• Show up on time.
• Make sure your parents pick you up on time.
• No cuttin’ school.

3) Behavior

• No touchin’ each other's private parts.
• No teachers touchin’ your private parts (report immediately)
  
• No fightin’
• No promotin’ fightin’
• No sex, gay or swearin’talk.
• No guns, knives or weapons (simulated or real)
• No taggin’ (graffiti)
• No running, no tag or chase games
• No sharing food.

3) Dress Code

• No hoodies (both - hats)
• No saggin’ (boys - pants)
• No wheelies (both – shoes w/wheels)
• No hooker wear (girls – clothing tops, bottoms or high heels)

Then in a bizarre switch of topics to end the assembly, the principal has volunteers from each of the classes come up and tell the group which college they will be attending once they graduate H.S.

I heard Stanford, Santa Clara University, San Diego, San Jose State, Harvard and Yale (or maybe it was "jail") all mentioned.