The Santa Question...

Christmas break is over and it's time to go back to school. The first few days back after a long break are usually quiet in terms of getting sub assignments. The teachers are supposed to be rested and ready to dive back in, while the substitute teacher sleeps in.

So of course, the phone is ringing at 5:30am this morning offering a 2^nd grade assignment at one of the three schools that call me most often. Second graders are fun and eager learners. The post-Christmas excitement of sharing and comparing should make for an easy day...or so I thought.

This was a last minute teacher no-show as there was some kind of medical emergency. Her co-teachers were hurriedly trying to cobble together a lesson plan. Much appreciated by me, as I don't know the classroom routine.

Just to make things more interesting, the office staff informs me that this class has a new 2^nd grader transfer from another school starting today. I scrounge a desk while the office staff delivers a book set and a chair for the kid to occupy.

I introduced the new kid (NK) to the rest of the class and was pleased that the kids were welcoming and helpful getting him situated. NK was quiet at first but his classmates are friendly and I can see he should not have any problems fitting into his new situation. By lunchtime, he has already hooked up with some of the other boys in the class.

The bomb exploded after lunch.

The kids are working quietly on some practice pages when three girls approach my desk to report that NK is telling everybody that Santa Claus isn't real!!

I approach to hear NK in a heated discussion with some of the boys at his table. NK in a calm tone IS telling these guys that "..Santa is just your parents buying stuff" with some of the boys responding a bit louder "You're LYING, I SAW HIM"!

My daughter encountered this problem last year with her own 3rd grader. Paige insisted on knowing the truth. After repeated assurances that she was "really, really ready for the "truth", Paige sadly told her mom later: "I'm going to sleep now and hope I forget everything you just told me"

I escort NK back to the teacher's desk for a quite conversation.

Me:  Dude! What's going on here?

NK:  They think Santa is real. I know he's not.

Me:  Why do you think that?

NK:  I just know. My uncle told me.

Me:  Do you think it's your job to let everyone else "know"

NK: (shrugs shoulders)

Me:  Look! It's not your job to blab stuff you hear from your uncle, so knock it off, ok?

NK:  (shrugs shoulders, and wanders back to his desk muttering...)

NK has upset the class introducing doubt about the "Santa" question as I can hear muted discussion and snatches of "is too...is not" passing back and forth between NK and other students.

"Mr. Homework! NK is lying! Right?

Now, I'm NOT going to tell 2^nd graders that NK is right and Santa isn't real. That's obviously NOT my responsibility and, like I told NK, not my job. But they ARE waiting for a response. Copping out with "ask your parents" isn't much better.

"Look, here's the deal. Santa IS real! But only to children who still believe. He knows when you get older and kind of stop believing. That's when he notifies your parents to let them know that, from now on, it's up to them to help deliver your presents for him." That kind of settled the issue.

After class I saw the principle in the office to let her know about NK and the "Santa issue".

I'm going home now and hope I don't have to deal with any Easter Bunny issues later this year.

It’s the Last DAY…

G2

It’s the last day before Christmas break.

I picked up a 2^nd grade class assignment for today. The only assignment this week. The last assignment for 2007. Minimum work on a minimum, 4 ½ hr day.

A piece of cake.
…or so I thought.

Lesson Plan:

1. Take roll
2. Busy work
3. Recess
4. Busy work
5. Lunch
6. Play the video: The Muppet Movie
7. Dismiss

Everything was proceeding along as “planned” until they came back from lunch. All I had left to do was play the movie and then send them on their way home.

Well is seems that this one girl had already seen The Muppet Movie and has declared it boring.

But because SHE’S bored she assumes that everyone should also be bored. She starts acting up by pushing her chair around the room until she can start loud conversations to the distraction of the other kids trying to follow the story line.

I’m not gonna force any kid to watch a Disney movie in class. It’s the last day!

My efforts to limit her mobility by having her sit next to me in the back of the room only last for a few minutes until she starts scooting away from me an inch or two at a time. I notice but I let it slide. It’s the last day!!

As long as she isn’t too disruptive and to the other kids aren’t complaining, I’ll let it go just for today because it’s the last day!!!

Big mistake. This movie lasts an hour and twenty minutes. That’s too much time to tempt little Miss Bored to act “civil”. Four return trips to the back of the room next to me is my limit.

The ultimate 2^nd grader punishment of “turning her card to yellow”, writing her name on my report for her teacher or asking “What would Santa think?” had negligible effect. By negligible, I mean absolutely none.

Finally it’s time to go home. I’m sooo glad that it’s the last day!!!!

Off topic note. Today’s odd kid name for today: Malaysia (girl)

Christmas Lights Selection...

The original that started it a couple years ago:






Even an airliner inadvertently adds to this show:



The display is silent to neighbors. The music is broadcast over a low power FM signal and a sign is placed in the yard to tell you what station to tune in to to hear the music:





Vote for your favorite in a comment!

Merry Christmas Remix...

Turkey Anatomy Search …

It’s still Christmas break for at least another week so I have time to check the http://www.statcounter.com/ statistics to see a sample of how the internet community finds their way to my blog.

So greetings to all you culinary aficionados from such far flung places as:

• Ljubljana, Slovenia
• Nordrhein-westfalen, Bochum, Germany
• Hessen, Darmstadt, Germany
• Maribor, Slovenia
• Saudi Arabia
• Delhi, India
• Kenya

I hope that using the Google search engine for the key words: “turkey boobs” enabled you to cook and enjoy a traditional American Thanksgiving holiday meal.

If that’s not what you were looking for…sorry weirdo!

Hyper For The Holidays …

EG13-G5

The phone is ringing at 05:30am this last day of the year before the start of the Christmas break. I instantly have a case of the déjà vu’s all over again. That last time I subbed on the final day in December for Kinders was enough for me to avoid all “last day” assignments forever.

But what the hell, this is a different school and a different grade. Maybe it won’t be so bad. As it turned out, it was a short, short assignment for a full payday.

Once you subtract the 15min school tour of decorated doors, the 40mins where the art prep teacher takes over the class, the 35min lunch, the 40min movie, the 20min recess and the minimum day dismissal at 01:15pm, the actual classroom instruction time works out to about 2 hours.

…AND NO PARTY!!

The kids were hyper for the holidays but still trying not to rate a mention on Santa’s naughty list. All in all, it was a fun, successful afternoon.

Maybe that’s why when the office called at lunch time; I agreed to sub for a class of left behinders four days this February while the rest of the school is off at science camp. If I was wrong about all “last day” assignments, maybe the “left behinder” assignment won’t be too traumatic.

Right?...right?...a little help here…

Pushing My Buttons…

EG7-G4

We returned home last night to five missed calls for subbing jobs for Monday so I wasn’t surprised with this mornings call for a half day afternoon 4^th grade assignment. It seems this last week before the Christmas break is a busy time for substitutes.

Lesson plan is minimal and easy.

1. Go over answers to the math exercise they were doing when I arrived.

2. Lunch (40 mins)

3. Make sure they pay attention while Parent/Volunteer reader reads the story.

4. Cursive writing exercise (20mins)

5. Social studies – 6 pages

6. Clean up, Pack up and Go home.

Total class time 2.5 hours! This should be an easy day!

It’s such a short amount of time that any one student shouldn’t have had enough time to find that button that really ticks me off.

Orlando did…

Orlando is probably the best reader in class and probably the smartest kid in class. Unfortunately, he’s also the biggest “smart ass” in class. That’s probably why his desk within an arms length of the teacher’s chair at the front of the room.

This kid has NO impulse control. Whatever thought sails through his head detours out the mouth, hands or feet. Sometimes all three at the same time! Constantly!

Hopefully my report to his teacher will allow me to have the last shot as he spends 20min of recess time on the bench tomorrow.

Left Behinders…

There are two schools in the district that have very similar names and are easily mistaken for one another. One is a country club school where discipline is never a problem. The other is the polar opposite to the point I don’t take any assignments above 3^rd grade at that school.

The first school is overloaded with parent volunteers who sign up to chaperone field trips, grade papers, organize fundraisers and anything else the school might ask of them.

The other school, not so much.

So it happened that I got a call from a teacher to take his 5^th grade class at what I thought was the “good” school. He mentioned I was scheduled take his class on a field trip with all the other 5^th and 6^th grade classes at the school to see the “Nutcracker Ballet”.

“Sure! No problem.” (I’m still thinking this is the “first” school)

When I called the system to receive the assignment number, I realized it was for the “other” school.

Now I know that either I’m going on a field trip with minimal chaperone coverage for a bunch of kids that need the maximum level OR they’ll want me to stay at the school and monitor the real bad ass kids that weren’t allowed on the field trip in the first place.

No winning options here.

As it turned out I ended up on one of three busses with about 250 kids, three teachers, two substitutes, the health aid and one parent chaperone. We arrived at the theater along with busses from about 20 other local schools. The place looks like opening day at the Giants game.

The experience wasn’t any where near as foreboding as I anticipated. The packed house “Ooh’d, Ahh’d, and clapped in all the right places. They seemed to enjoy the ballet even if there were a few grumbles from some of the kids about it being: “boring”, “they didn’t talk”, “I didn’t know what it was about”, etc.

We managed not to lose anyone after the performance and I didn’t notice any discipline disturbances anywhere from the full house of about 5000+ kids in the audience.

We got back to the school with about an hour left before the dismissal bell. My class was rejoined with the five “left behinders” kids that didn’t go.

They also rejoined us with a student teacher that had them while we were gone who informed me that four of the five “left behinder” boys were caught exiting the girl’s bathroom after lunch.

Somehow, I’m not surprised. I'm glad I didn't have "left behinder" duty today.

Eureka, They Have Found It!…

Well MUCH to my surprise, our local Post Office Officials (affectionately known as Poo’s) DID find and deliver our “not lost but can’t find it” package. It arrived yesterday.

So I guess this means I should apologize.

But wait! What’s the story with the shipping stickers on the outside?

Hummm! “This tracking number has already been used” ???

Well it looks like the sorting station DID send to the package to the Poo’s last week but they in turn sent it back to the sorting station as an OUTGOING package. Where upon scanning examination it was rejected and sent back once again to the local Poo’s before making it here.

A week later than it should have been here!

AFTER Christmas!!

Nah! No apology!!

It's Not "Lost", We Just Can't Find It...

Friday December 23 was panic time at our house.

The gifts that Claudette ordered from Barnes&Noble should have been here last Tuesday but still weren’t delivered by Friday night. Online tracking showed the packaged did indeed make it to the local post office on Tuesday 12/20 but still hadn’t left the post office building as of the 23rd.

So faced with a near panicked furiously frustrated female, I volunteered to slog down to the PO at 08:00am Christmas Eve to retrieve our package in person.

PO guy:_ “Got a green non-delivery pickup tag?”
Me:_ “Nope. The problem I have is that hasn’t been delivered. It’s been stuck here four days.”

PO guy:_ “That’s odd. The computer tracking says it’s here. It should have gone out for delivery on Tues. Let me go check the bins”

After several tens of minutes pass, the PO guy returns.

PO guy:_ “It’s not here…” while shrugging.

(I kinda already knew this would be the result of the search but I figured I had to dance the dance before continuing the conversation.)

Me:_ “Ok. So you’re saying my package is lost. Can I get a receipt indicating it's lost, so I can go back to Barnes&Noble for a credit and re-order the stuff?”

PO guy:_ “Uh, well, it IS here. We just can’t find it. Let me get my supervisor to talk to you.”
Me:_ “Fine. I need to get this sorted out today.”

PO Super:_ “I understand that you want to pick up a package?”
Me:_ “Yep, but it seems to be lost somewhere in this building”

(This is where I get to basically repeat the conversation with the PO guy including my request for some “lost in the mail” form or receipt).

PO Super:_ “Well, your package is not lost, it’s just probably in transit between the main PO sorting facility and here”.
Me:_ “Ok, how long does it take to get sorted to arrive here?”

PO Super:_ “Usually only a day or two.”
Me:_ “It’s been four days. Can I go to the main sorting PO and pick it up there?

PO Super:_ “Uh, No. They’ll sort it and send it here for delivery.”
Me:_ “But the tracking status says it’s IN THIS building, right?”

PO Super:_ “Yeeeaaa, but…”
Me:_ “So, logically, it’s already BEEN sorted and sent here, right?”

PO Super:_ “Hmmmm..”
Me:_ “So it’s here and you can’t find it, right”

PO Super:_ “Well...”
Me:_ “By definition doesn’t that make it “lost”? Now, can I have a receipt or form to submit to the package sender?”

PO Super:_ “It’s not considered lost until after 30 days. This IS a busy time of the year for the PO.”
Me:_ “So, I have to come back on Jan 20th to get my receipt for the “lost” package?”

PO Super:_ “I’m sure it will be delivered before that. The tracking info says we have it. We’ll definitely get it to you.”
Me:_ “But too late for THIS Christmas, right?...”

So I left empty handed, but mentally composing the following note to our soon to be disappointed daughter-in-law and son-in-law:

Warning!

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has intercepted a possible WMD labeled “Your Christmas Gift” from a suspected terrorist group, sometimes calling themselves “GrandPa and/or Grammie Perry”. It is being held at the TOP SECURITY LOCATION known as the USPS.

Upon final determination, which can be 5 to 30 days from today, YOU WILL BE notified as to the disposition of the so called “gift”

Attached is an artist’s sketch of the suspect item.

If you have any further questions, don’t bother…..We ARE the Post Office.

Merry Generic Holiday!

Christmas Assembly...

EG03-G5
EG13-G4

No assignment today, but I had a 4th on Tues and 5th yesterday.

Both schools had a traditional “Christmas Assembly” for the kids where actual Christmas and Hanukah songs were presented. This is in the same district as the school that presented "A Holiday Carol" a couple of weeks ago so it appears that the “School PC Censors” are localized and haven’t gone regional yet.

With only one more subbing day (tomorrow) before the break, I’m tempted to call it quits for the rest of the year to avoid a possible repeat of last year’s fiasco.

Dear Santa...

OG02-G1

Dear Santa,

I’ve been mostly pretty good this year. I only screwed up once when I was sick and didn’t leave Mr. HOMEWORK a lesson plan for my class. If I promise never to do it again would you bring me the following stuff from my Christmas list? Please!

1. Four new “Dry Erase” whiteboard markers to replace the ones Mr. HOMEWORK threw away just because they didn’t work anymore.

2. One working three hole punch to replace the two busted ones that Mr. HOMEWORK almost threw in the trash.

3. One new reading center tape player or, even better, an upgrade to CD-player to replace the one that just plays “sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss….” No matter which tape you put in it.

4. One powered pencil sharpener that actually leaves a tip of exposed lead above the wood without resorting to using a whittling knife that Mr. HOMEWORK didn’t have and probably wouldn’t be allowed to bring to school anyway.

Oh, yea! I almost forgot. Would it be possible to get twenty new 1st graders? I would prefer the non-whiney, non-tattling, non-sticky models if at all possible.

Thanks a bunch big guy!

Yours truly,
Ms. H--- (Grade 1)

A Holiday Carol!…

EG01-G2

It was in the low 70F’s most of last week. Today it’s cold, windy and pouring rain. Winter has arrived in California.

I took yesterday off because….well…just BECAUSE! Besides, I wasn’t feeling all that great anyway.

Today’s call came at 08:35am to be there at 08:30am for my 2^nd grade class.

I picked up the key from the office and proceeded to the classroom where…there were NO STUDENTS! There was also NO LESSON PLAN!

Now what?

I called the office to find out that two other 2^nd grade classes had split my class and were waiting for me call to send them back.

After I re-assembled my squirmy group, I quizzed the kids on what they usually do in the morning.

“DOL!!!”

Ok, great! I located the Daily Oral Language worksheet for “Thursday week 14” and had them start while I tried to figure out what comes next.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to do anything because the office called and informed me that I needed to take my class over to an assembly in the cafeteria….now!

The assembly was a performance of that classic tale of “A Holiday Carol!”.

Never heard of it? Come on! You know! It’s the one with Scrooge, Tiny Tim and the ghosts of “holiday” past, present and future?

(Dickens should be rolling in his is grave right about now…)

The assembly ends just in time for recess. We’re moving right along on minimum day accomplishments.

Next we do two pages in the math book and Bingo! It’s now time for lunch.

After lunch, the kids inform me that it’s now silent reading time. Sounds good to me, except none of the kids seem to have a book to read.

They ALL want to get a book from the “in class” library….at the SAME TIME!

Exactly 30 seconds after total chaos has ensued, I order everyone OUT of the library and back to their seats.

I then send them in pairs to select a book. I give them EXACTLY EIGHT seconds to select a book and get out! Some had to make return trips because they either couldn’t decide in time or selected crappy books.

Some examples of the crappy books from the “in class” library.

• Hershey’s Chocolate Recipe Cookbook.
• Book of stickers. No words.
• Above grade level Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park paperback.

By the time everyone finally had a book they could and wanted to read, it was time to pack up and go home.

My day is done!…

After This I Deserve Two Weeks Off…..

This should have been a day off.

I figured that all the teachers would have wanted to say goodbye to their kids on the final day before the Christmas break and I was all set to sleep in and take this Friday off. That was until the phone jarred me awake at 06:30am.

The job was a Kindergarten class and I agreed to take it as I thought it should be a short easy day. There are usually two teachers or at least a parent helper for Kindergarten classes. There might be a little holiday party and/or an early dismissal.

The first thing the office told me when I got there was to wash my hands often as there was some kind of stomach bug going around the school.

The lesson plan indicated the kids were supposed to give a morning performance in the cafeteria, art project after lunch and an afternoon party. This was going to be a full day class and there are no other partner Kinder teachers or parent helpers signed up to help.

So much for my grand assumptions.

At the bell, I gathered my 18 little kinders and march them off to their classroom. All the kids were hyped up. Last day of school, their parents were gonna come hear them sing, they were promised a party, etc, etc, etc.

So I wasn’t surprised to see four of the boys hit the classroom and begin rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically. I had heard about “rollers” but this was my first encounter with any. I got them to stop by telling them there would be no party if they didn’t behave.

I had barely completed the attendance sheet when I was called to bring them down for their performance in the cafeteria. The person in charge told me where to stage them and asked where their teacher Mrs. “G“ was. Told her I didn’t know what her ailment was and I didn’t know just what they were supposed to do here. Fortunately one of the other Kindergarten teachers stepped up and said she’d lead them in their song. That was more than fine by me since I don’t do no singing stuff.

After the performance I took them back to class and handed out the planned art project. All they really wanted to do was the party as they all kept asking about it.

One tough cookie seemed to delight in kicking her table mate. I moved her to another desk to work only to find that she returned to continue making herself a pest. She would also sneak out the door to the bathroom without telling me.

Telling her that she had to ask first and go with another girl fell on deaf ears. This turned out to be an all day process trying to keep her in class and not tormenting the rest of the class.

After lunch, they were supposed to quietly watch a movie while I set up their party.

Instead I had to deal with a kid’s bloody nose (Thanks to whom ever suggested that I carry disposable plastic gloves on this job), while “tough cookie” continued tormenting some of her girl classmates.

Where oh where are some of those camera toting parents I saw at the performance this morning? No where! That’s where!

After I got the bleeder squared away and the video going, I located the party supplies which consisted of two gallons of apple juice, a bag chips and forty sugar cookies. Great idea! Add lots of sugar to an already hyped up group of 5 year olds.

I put out only one cookie per kid and turned the rest of them into the office at the end of the day for “disposal”. They pretty much finished off all the chips and juice and several announced that this was “The best’est party” they ever had.

They must have some really dull parties….

The teacher had presents for each kid and I handed them out as they left the room for the day. I held “tough cookie’s” gift for last and had a conversation about behaving in class, not hitting other kids, asking for permission to leave the classroom to go potty and doing what the teacher says.

I don’t think it made a dent as the kid continually interrupted with “but I want my present now….”; “Can I get my present now?….”; “I’m supposed to have my present now….”, “Gimme my present…”

I finally gave up and sent her off with the rest of her class.

After handing them off to their parents, I asked another teacher about “tough cookie”. She indicated that all the teachers knew all about her and my experience was no different than Mrs. “G”s.

I can’t imagine what a class with two or more like this one would be like, but I do know that I’d probably not want to experience it.

I’m REALLY going to enjoy these next two weeks off without that early morning call.