They Did What Now?...

Just when you think you have heard all the kinds of stupid antics kids do in school, something new comes along to prove you wrong.

It was lunchtime in the staff lounge and I had just sat down for lunch when three very agitated teachers entered:

T1:  I can't believe it.

T2:  I couldn't believe it either! What were they thinking??

T3:  They weren't thinking, that's the problem!!

While it's not polite to eavesdrop, I could not ignore the very loud, agitated discussion.

T1: I mean, in the bathroom of all places. Disgusting doesn't begin to describe it!

T2: That's what boys do. Disgusting stuff...just showing off!

T3: But they were peeing on each other!! All five of them! Peeing on each other! And laughing about it!

T2: You don't hear girls doing anything like that.

T1: Girls can't do that...can they? I don't see how it would be physically possible.

I'm guessing that school day (year?) is over for these boys and parents have been called to pick them up.

Now before you make assumptions about the social/economic makeup of the pupil population at this school, let me tell you that this is one of the three highest rated schools in the district. Over the years, I've seen kids dropped off at school in Mercedes, Lexus,Tesla, every make of electric car currently on the market and even one Lamborghini.

I would have liked to see what car the boys' parents drove over to pick them up...

Benched...

They say the most common fear for people is: “fear of public speaking”. Fear of the “unknown” is probably up near the top of many lists also.

As a substitute teacher without any experience or information as to what to expect, walking into a classroom facing 20-30 new faces can generate a bit of anxiety. When I decided to try substitute teaching after the layoff, I knew that I’d have to face both of these personal demons myself.

Curiously, my fear of public speaking is limited to the adult population while talking to kids comes easy. …One down, one to go.

In my previous professional career, I discovered a technique that worked to help overcome the “fear of the unknown”.

I’d gather as much information about what I was supposed to do, ask friends what they might know about the situation I was considering and then finally ask myself the following question: “What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen?”

If the answer didn’t involve death or major injury, financial bankruptcy, or losing the respect of family and friends, I felt good to go.

And so each time I accept an assignment in a new school or a class I haven’t had before, my answer to that question is: “I experience five classroom hours of total tortured chaos and then I go home.”

That I can live with!

Last Thursday was the start of a four day, 5^th grade assignment where the teacher’s lesson plan gave me the following information:

On the whiteboard was a list of names that made up 1/3 of the entire class and was marked “Benched!!” For what reasons, I didn’t know why the benchees were to have no recess that day but my anxiety level was spiking just imagining what I was in for with these kids.

When they arrived that morning, I dispensed with my usual easy going classroom attitude and went for the “no nonsense” approach to gain the upper hand. I let them know what their teacher said and that I’d follow through on all threats she had listed for them. At recess time, I read the bench list and told them they’d better behave.

The usual offense that earns sitting on the bench during recess is missing homework or a missed deadline for class work. The idea is to have the kids complete the work on the bench while the other kids are at play.

After a short break in the teachers lounge, I went to find my “benched kids” only to discover four of them missing. I asked the others where they were and they told me they were out playing football.

I collected names of all who were there and considered what punishment to mete out.

Back in the classroom, I waited until all the kids were seated and then calmly walked over to the names listed on the whiteboard and put check marks next to the four names that skipped out on me.

The classroom was dead silent when I turned around and asked each checked kid why they didn’t report as required. One claimed he did but the others ratted him out by saying that I had collected names of everyone on the bench. A second kid with attitude claimed that his name shouldn’t have been on the list in the first place and so it didn’t apply to him. The other two just said that they didn’t think I’d check.

In addition to the usual homework, I assigned the bench skippers to write a letter of explanation (200 words minimum) for their teacher as to why they skipped their benching. I told them that an action like this was not helping to get back “FIELD DAY” for the rest of the class. I also told them that they still owed me a bench day on Friday.

Friday morning I received the following letters of explanation from three of them. The fourth kid is going to spend Monday on the bench again.

Guess which one is from Mr. Attitude

How’s It Goin’?...

The last day of this six day assignment has finally arrived! I’ve had enough. My goal today is just to “be standing” at the final bell.

Mid afternoon, the teacher I’m subbing for called me during class.

This is the first time in four years a teacher has ever called me during class. She wanted me to remind them about a project that’s due tomorrow. The project and its due date have been prominently posted on the white board every day since she’s been gone.

I turn from the phone and announce to the class that Ms. (teacher) is calling to say “Hi!...and a reminder about about the project due tomorrow!". I held the receiver out so the whole class could shout back their responses of greetings and happiness.

After class toned down, I returned to our private conversation to wish her congratulations on her wedding and indicated that the kids would be glad to see her back in class.

She then caught me off guard by asking: “How’s it going”? That’s a question like “How are you?”, “Having a nice day?” etc. It’s a normal question. The normal expected response is: “Fine”.

Me: “Uh….It’s going…”
Her: (Long pause) “It’s going?”
Me: “Yea….It’s going...”
Her: “Ok, then. Hope to see you the next time you’re in and we can talk. Bye!”

It was the most natural answer I could give her at this point with 32 kids within listening distance. I just couldn’t say: “Fine…”

I had already written five daily status reports detailing the planned lessons we did or didn’t accomplish, along with the various behavior problems of the last five days. The final report I left for her wasn’t any different. Under “behavior problems”, I just wrote: “--same --”.

I didn’t need to elaborate.

I Quit!...

…At least that’s how I felt at the end of this day. Two more days of this and I’m outta there!

Even after I booted "Miss Issipi" AND "Ernie" to the office for some alone time with the “Classroom Disruption” essay assignment, the rest didn’t take the hint.

Those two and six others pretty much were a constant disruption team. While I would have liked to, I can’t send 25% of the entire class to the office!

I’m taking Thursday off unless one of the country club schools call. I never have any problems like this over there.

Long Term Subbing…

As an “emergency credentialed” substitute, I’m not allowed to work more than a total of 30 school days for any single teacher in any single school year.

The phrase “long term”, as it applies to substitute teaching, is defined by the district I work for as anything longer than 15 consecutive school days for the same teacher. So technically, I am allowed to substitute for a regular teacher for a month and a half before they legally have to replace me.

After completing this weeks four day assignment in 5^th grade, I can categorically say that my personal definition of “long enough term” is anything more than two days.

This class had a clique of six (four boys and two girls) who absolutely drove me nuts from day one. I’m not sure if we even completed half of what was on the lesson plans. It was pretty much a waste of four school days for the other 28 “good kids” in my estimation.

I’m not looking forward to the 6-day assignment I agreed to take at the end of this month and another 4-day assignment the first week of June. All I can hope for is those assignments at different schools might have a better result.

How to Clean a Classroom…

G4
(Disclaimer: all names changed to protect my derriere in case any parent recognizes their own demon spawn)

I had a pretty tough fourth grade class today. I knew it might be like that from the first minute I entered the classroom before the kids got there.

You can usually tell by the number of isolated desks placed away from the various normal kid “table groups”.

A desk sitting off by itself at the front of the room facing the whiteboard, a desk placed right next to the teacher podium, a back corner near the coat rack, or one off to the extreme one side usually means a troublemaker that needs isolation and constant attention during the day.

This classroom had four.

It could have used a few more, but there wasn’t enough remaining real estate to accommodate any more. I spent 70% of my time riding herd on six individuals while the other twenty-five at least pretended to work.

I don’t know how many times today, I stopped the class to:

…Instruct little Emerald, when she wasn’t wandering room, to not shove paperclips up her nose so as not to pop an eye out.

…Remove the scissors from lil’ Spawn who spent considerable class time making confetti out of his test papers, making small crayon shards from large ones or hiding under the desk when my back was turned.

…Have Brainless moved to sit on the floor facing the sink for shouting out “POOP!” several times during the reading lesson.

…Prefix every question from Darn-yell to ask: “Is the question you want to ask about the subject we’re currently talking about?” This is because she constantly wants attention by raising her hand to tattle, whine, complain or simply ask inane questions not relevant to anything class related.

…and several more examples I’d like just like to purge from my memory.

It’s nearing the end of the day and I’m mentally spent. The room is trashed with garbage on the floor and my mood almost homicidal.

I don’t want to spend any more time in this classroom than necessary but I also don’t want to leave it the garbage pit the kids generated today, so I had an idea.

I make the following announcement: “We’re done a little early today, so I think I’ll let you go out 20 minutes before the bell”

(The kids cheer!)

“But the only way I can do this is if the class is cleaned up. Everything that doesn’t belong on the floor needs to be picked up, put away or tossed in the trash. When it’s all done, everyone can go. If not we stay till the bell. It’s your choice!” as I walk back and stand in front of the door.

The kids pick up a token amount of trash and line up at the door: “Can we go now?” I look around and simply point to some trash I can see from where I’m standing: “No”

Someone picks up the item, I was pointing at: “Can we go now?”

I look and point to some more garbage while explaining: “Even if it’s not your garbage, it needs to be picked up or no one leaves for early free time!”

Now they’re getting the idea. Hoards of kids are now furiously combing the carpet with rulers scraping up bits of paper, crayon, paper clips and staples being painfully aware that 10 precious minutes of “free time” have already passed.

They are back in line: “How about now?”

It’s actually acceptable at this point, but I don’t relent. I spot a white dot about ½ the size of a spit wad and point.

“OH MAN! You gotta be kidding!!”, but there is a new flurry of activity knowing that time is slipping minute by minute.

Now they’re back and I’m finally ready to let them go.

Opening the door, “Ok, you can go…”

…just as the dismissal bell rings

Stop Signal Seminar (SSS) …

Five weeks left in this school year and all the kids already seemed to have checked out.

Friday was the completion of a two day stint in the “stacked deck” 6^th grade. This teacher must have pissed someone off because 25% of this class was stacked with KWA’s ( Kids With Attitude) …and not the good kind!

A teacher at break time inquired: “how’s it goin”? I mentioned that some of them were trying real hard to see how far to push. The teacher rattled off a list of names guessing which ones were the pushers.

She got six of them right.

By 11:00am, I had enough of the “fist pounding”, “rolly-eye-gasps” and “ahh-MAN’s” I could stand from one of the ring leaders. I booted him to the principle’s office with a phone call for “disrespectful attitude in class”.

At this point I decided to give a little seminar. I explained that since not many, in particular “rolly-eyes”, seem to be able to read my mood today, I should make it very clear when you are about to cross a line.

“If I say ‘STOP’ and you continue whatever it is that you are doing, then you are out the door to follow ‘rolly-eyes’. Does everyone UNDERSTAND that?”

Lots of quiet and head nodding verified that I seemed to have communicated my message of the day.

Later at lunch, I thanked the principle for his help in handling “rolly-eyes”. He told me it wasn’t a problem and he totally understood that sometimes you have to make a sacrificial example of one kid to show you mean business.

I’m glad that this district seems to have school administrators that help rather than hinder classroom management.

Rolly-eyes rejoined us after lunch and I had to repeat my “SSS” so he couldn’t claim ignorance.

It wasn’t long after when he started to act up and I looked him dead in the eye and quietly said “Stop”.

It almost appeared that he was going to ignore me when his posse, who seemed to be faster on the uptake, intervened and said: “Dude! He said “Stop”! He’s not playin!”

There was a momentary pause but rolly-eyes backed down with a final hostile stare. We now had us an understanding for the rest of the day.

I believe that I’ll be adding my “Stop Signal Seminar” to the regular repertoire, when needed, in future assignments.

What’s It Take?…

OG12-G5

What can you say about 5th grade students who still act up in class when the PRINCIPAL is STANDING IN THE ROOM! Her comment to me is: ‘Their regular teacher has a high noise tolerance’.

My HOMEWORK technique worked not so well. Three visits from the principal and one lecture from the teacher next door made for ONE LONG DISRUPTIVE DAY. I’m not sure how much the kids learn in this environment. Probably not much.

Taking tomorrow off to recuperate and spend the day with one of my granddaughters.

Good Night!

The Letter…

This has not been a good week for me. This blog entry will be presented in reverse order starting with a letter I received after class from one 5th grade girl.

Transcribed, verbatim, un-edited for grammar and spelling but parenthesis comments added for clarification.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Dear Mr. Perry.

I am sorry for the behaveor of this class. I am not happy about the essay but the class does disurve it some with Mrs. K (the principal of the school) coming. I not proud of breaking the record (fastest ever class to get extra HOMEWORK) but I am happy that it was my class because in the beging it was ok because summer just ended but now there is no exuse it is getting out of control. I haven’t learned alot this year because it so loud and hard to hear the teacher. I understand if you never come back to subsitute but I am very happy you subsituted today because this class needs a strikt teacher. I just wanted to tell you to exuse my class but it is ok to be the meanest you can ever be! I am so sorry L (she had penciled in a frowny face). Wish me luck on my 500 or more essay.

your I guess Sub Student,

LP (name edited to initials)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------“

-- 02:30 pm--

Principal gives a very intense lecture for the next 10 minutes. She has heard from other students and teachers in the school about the essay. She’s not impressed with the essay subject but asks me if I would object to changing it from a class wide assignment to just these seven boys. I agree.

She instructs the boys to write it down and tells them that the essay is not due on Monday as indicated, but due tomorrow morning. It’s also supposed to be delivered to her office where she promised to count each and every word.

“ANY QUESTIONS!!!”

One of the fearless lads says, “Can I have my GameBoy back now?”

I thought Mrs. “K” was going to pop a vein right then and there.

“You brought a WHAT to my school? Well, now it’s mine until your parents want to come pick it up!”

-- 02:17pm --

“Lost” behavior report is magically discovered at the bottom of the trash can.

Mrs. “K” scans the report and calls out seven boys to remain in class while the rest are excused from class to wait outside for the final bell.

-- 02:15 pm --

Principal visits the class. She apologizes to me. She launches into an awe inspiring lecture on classroom behavior, embarrassing the school. She demands to see the “behavior log”.

It seems that today’s log is missing from the clip board.

Mrs “K”. blows her top! She tells them that she and Mr. Perry are going to step outside for 2 minutes and that log had better be returned!

-- 02:00 pm –

I have physically upset kids.

One girl asks to address the class. She pleads for everyone to be good. The boys are laughing at her. I quietly tell her, it isn’t working and it isn’t her fault. She abruptly bolts for the door and vomits on the black top. A second girl is crying hysterically. I send them both with an escort to the health office.

I call the principal, Mrs “K”, for help.

-- 01:40 pm –

As the day goes on, the number of words for the essay rises.

300 – 325 – 350 – 375 – 400 – 450 – 500!

-- 12:30 pm --

Awarded the final “K” to “HOMEWORK”.

This is BEFORE their 12:45pm LUNCH TIME! This is a new record. The final K isn’t supposed to be reached until sometime near the end of the day.

So far, I’ve confiscated a “GameBoy” from one kid during a math assessment test, eight rulers that have had the metal straight edge removed to be made into metal wire sculpture, several comic books being used in a tug-o-war and one plastic dog pooh.

-- 10:40 am --

Recess.

Several of the girls are outside the room starting their essays. I ask them if they are sure that’s necessary at this point in time. I remind them that the essay is only necessary if we get all the way to the final “K” and that they should go play instead.

Response: “Oh yea, we’re gonna get it. No doubt!”

-- 10:30 am --

We are up to “HOME----“ and we haven’t gotten to the first recess yet.

I list on the board:

Extra homework is a 300 word creative writing essay on: “If I Were a Super Hero, My Powers Would be…”

I give them until Monday to turn it in. The regular teacher should surely be back by then?

-- 08:25am --

Meet the kids. The kids tell me that I’m the third sub in a row this week.

No returning subs. Interesting.

Once again we start the day explaining about the “HOMEWORK” and let them know that achieving this goal will get them an extra essay assignment for homework.

So far, I’ve never actually had to issue it to a class. Got real close a few times, but the kids usually hold out.

One of the girls asks if she can keep the “behavior log” sheet for the day. She tells me all I have to do is tell her the names to add and the infraction. This is evidentially the usual practice in this class.

I’m thinking that this request doesn’t bode well.

Is It A Bad Sign…

Is it a bad sign when …The Office secretary hints that this 4^th grade classes can be a “handful”?

Is it a bad sign when …The a 4^th grade teacher I met in the office indicated that all the 4^th grade classes at this school are the same “handful”?

Is it a bad sign when …Lesson plan for my class has separate sheet devoted to discipline and has asterisks denoted as disruptive next to six of the 35 student names?

Is it a bad sign when …Principal says don’t smile, be tough?

Is it a bad sign when …Principal personally gives you his direct extension number to call if there are any problems?

Is it a bad sign when …Principal drops in half way through the day?

Is it a bad sign when …yet a different 4^th grade teacher tells you horror stories about sub experiences with her 4^th graders?

I decided to do both “HOMEWORK” and the “JOB GAME” with these guys. They started off pretty good. They responded every time I tapped the white board marker in the area I had reserved for the word “HOMEWORK”. We made it to the first recess with only an “H_”.

These kids switch rooms for math. I ended up with a mix of mine and some from the two other 4^th grade classes. This required me to set up a separate “HOMEWORK” threat for just the math class. I had “my kids” fill in the newcomers on how it worked. This didn’t work as well on a combined one lesson class.

An hour later the “math class” had accumulated “HOMEWOR_” before the class ended. Of course this is when the principal decided to pay us a visit “just to see how things were going...” Luckily, only one kid wasn’t where he was supposed to be and the class was generally doing what they were supposed to be doing. After math, the classes switched back to the normal mix. The returning students noted the progress the math class had made to “HOMEWORK” and wanted to know details. I didn’t give them any.

As in the previous classes I subbed, these guys were enthusiastic about the “JOB GAME” in which they had posted guesses. One guess was: “always was a substitute teacher”.

I reminded them that the price for revealing the final answer was continued good behavior. They had about 28 guesses posted and most of the students seemed to be leaning toward “retired principal”.

By the end of the last working period, the class had inched up to tie the math class at “HOMEWOR_”. We had something like 5 mins until P.E. followed by class dismissal. The class was really starting to get wound up and getting loud as I had erased all but the final two job guesses in preparation for the finale.

After about four attempts to get them settled and ready to go out for P.E., I gave up and sent them out without revealing the answer. They were all disappointed but also relieved that I didn’t give them the final “K”.

I heard later from the 4^th grade teacher next door that the sub she had last week didn’t do as well as she heard about students standing on desks throwing stuff back and forth across the room. She indicated that this group of 4^th graders has been like this since Kindergarten as they moved up through the grades.

She suggested that if I’m subbing next year, I might want to avoid any 5^th grade assignments at this school.

I’ll probably forget by then………..

No Control...

Assignment: Tuesday 4th grade (32 students) in the south county district late morning call.

Nagasaki, Hiroshima and Ms. R’s 4th grade class. What do these three have in common? They were all bombs of large magnitude.

After Monday’s success, I was looking forward to today’s assignment.

I arrived at the school an hour after the start of class, was handed the teachers lesson plan that she phoned in that morning. Very sketchy and short on details. Not a good sign but I felt after yesterday’s success, I could handle this class.

I even got a break in that it was class picture day (0.5 hour) and Native American Indian Assembly presentation (1.0 hours) and a 40 minute lunch break. This six hour class was down to about 3 hours worth of actual class assignments.

These were the LONGEST THREE HOURS I’ve ever spent.

From the minute I walked in to the minute after I left, I had NO control whatsoever with these kids. Constant talking, throwing things, upset seats. You name it, they were doing it.

They didn’t seem to mind the “consequences”.

I took away “table points” until they were all in the negative and had at least 4 names on the board.

I let them know that I was supposed to write a report about the class progress for their teacher. I asked THEM what they think I should tell their teacher. At least some were honest enough to say they’d probably get an “F” for the day.

I take back the “I think I got this job down…” comment from yesterday.