TIVO-Wife...

School starts up today. No calls to sub yet and therefore no new “subbing in the classroom” blog material to post about. So I thought I’d venture into a topic that I previously deemed a bit “too snarky” for public review.

The first thing I discovered is that “snarky” is a real word! : “adj. Slang snark·i·er, snark·i·est Irritable or short-tempered; irascible”

I first time I heard this term was from Ginny on her Singing Pigs blog.

After listening to a friend of mine complain of his mail delivery (both too late AND too early), I accused him of being a “happiness vacuum” (thanks again for the term Ginny…). He now, sometimes, calls and leaves what my wife terms “obscene sucking noises” on the answering machine.

Slightly rude and obscene. That’s how we guys are with each other. But you gotta love us anyway, right?

Disclaimer to still new brides: Snarky behavior on our part probably does NOT apply to your newly married beausband. To all new beausbands, I apologize if your wife interrogates you about your sympathies related to this post. (You can blind email me later…)

Anyway, a bunch of us old married “guys” were standing around before church just BS-ing when one of our fellow chuckle heads announced that he’d really like to have a “pause” button once and a while for his wife. She DOES talk a lot, but in order to protect the guilty no names will be mentioned here.

From that simple, single statement we “guys” brainstormed and invented the “TIVO-Wife”!!.

TIVO-Wife feature list:

Pause: Obvious.

Volume: Obvious

Channel: Can we change the topic?

Re-play: For when we finally tune back into the conversation at the phrase “Are you listening to me?”

Record: Remember when I said “I Love You”? Just play the recording again when you feel neglected.

Erase: Remember that time I (…fill in your own worst foot in mouth event here…)

Fast Forward: We don’t want the long story. Get to the point!

Thumbs-Up: To train the TIVO-Wife what conversations we like.

Thumbs-Down: To train the TIVO-Wife what conversations we don’t.

This is as far as we got before the wives came out and we hastily changed the subject…

Too snarky? Leave a comment and let me know.

Teaching Makes You Sick?...

And you just thought all you had to worry about was kid boogers...
Full story here

Reuters
by Amy Norton Thu Aug 18, 1:31 PM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - A wide range of occupations, from farming to teaching, may be potential risk factors for degenerative brain diseases, such as Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease, research findings suggest.

In a study of more than 2.6 million U.S. death records, researchers found that a variety of jobs were associated with an increased risk of death from several forms of brain degeneration, namely Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease, early-onset dementia and motor neuron disease

Many of the associations had been seen in earlier research and could potentially be explained by on-the-job exposures to the chemicals that farmers, welders and hairdressers routinely use or inhale.

Other findings, however, such as the elevated disease risks among teachers, clergy and bank tellers, are not easily explained, according to the researchers, led by Robert M. Park of the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, Cincinnati, Ohio.

Studies such as this, where death certificates are used to find associations between occupation and disease risk, have their limits. For one, death records are a less-than-ideal measure of a person's work history, Park told Reuters Health.

"At best," he noted, such research can tease out general patterns that can then be studied further.

In their analysis, Park and his colleagues found that the bank tellers, clergy, aircraft mechanics and hairdressers had highest odds of dying from Alzheimer's disease. For Parkinson's disease, the highest risks were among biological scientists, teachers, clergy members and other religious workers.

SOURCE: American Journal of Industrial Medicine, July 2005.

Goofy Boys...

I haven’t experienced the notion of a “long summer vacation” since I last attended high school many moons ago.

College, jobs to pay for college, marriage, parent at 22, 30 plus year career, grand-pa to two granddaughters at 57 pretty much dictated the end of long stretches of free summer time idleness.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. Given the choice to do it over again, I’d do it the same way except, maybe, for buying that new 1971 baby dew-dew yellow Volvo station wagon.

With this substitute teacher gig, I’m off during the summer again and it’s a new experience. I like it!

My usual afternoon includes the mile long walk down to the air conditioned McLibrary to read my book and partake of fine dining from the $1 menu. It’s also a good place to people watch.

So yesterday, as I was having my third, free refill of the senior diet cola drink, when six junior high aged boys snagged the window booth in front of mine along the drive through lane.

Boy #1: Look, dude. There’s your mom coming. Everybody wave!

(…Boys waving frantically at the silver SUV, as “mom” obliviously drives on through.)

Boy #2: Hey, I think that’s your sister! Everybody wave!

(…Boys waving frantically at the Lexus sports car, as “sister” on cell phone and digging in her McDonalds treasure lunch bag coasts on by)

Boy #3: Hey, isn’t that your uncle! Everybody wave!

(…Boys waving frantically at the confused guy in the pickup truck who’s returning a low two finger wave back while trying to figure out who these kids are)

All the boys: Laughing hysterically, high fiveing each other.

Ok, after a few more rounds of this, I’m starting to figure out that this isn’t a mass drive-thru family reunion and these are just a group of goofy boys having some fun trying to get people to wave at them.

Honestly now, can you think of anything more useless to do on a nice summer day?

When I was their age, way back in the nineteen-ought-sixties, me and the guys would ride our bikes down to the highway and watch for the eighteen wheelers. When we saw one coming, we’d all pump our fists in the air hoping to get the driver to give us a blast on the air horn as he went by. We’d all cheer when we got one.

Now THAT was something to do on a nice summer day!

M/F Differences...

Nothing pithy for today.

I did run across following clever video by Bruno Bozzetto, illustrating the differences between men and women. Enjoy!

Female .vs. Male

She Left Me...

Well…Claudette and her Ya-Ya sisterhood of five friends left this morning for their annual “Quilt Camp” excursion in Cayucos Calif.

Two van loads of sewing machines, fabric, cutters, sergers, cutting boards, cutise work lamps and enough clothes for an invading army to survive a month.

She claims that they are busy the whole week working on projects. If it was me and a bunch of the Yo-Yo brotherhood guys attempting the same thing, I know we’d end up at the beach with a cooler of beer and BBQ the entire week.

She’s leaving me ALL alone for the entire week. ALL alone. Just me and the cats. What to do, what to do.

Maybe I’ll take a cue from the cats? I’ll sleep in late. Take long afternoon naps. Pretty much just hang out all day and veg. Yea, that’s the ticket!

You’ll have to excuse me now. I need to go check and see if anyone put some dinner in my food bowl.

I Think I've Had This Nightmare...

Yea! You in the back row! I'm looking at you. The answer is???

Back To School Thoughts For Today...

"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't..."

"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive..."

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate..."

If you don't "get" these, then it’s just about time to go back to school!

Got A Pay Cut…

I got my Substitute Teaching Certificate in the mail last week. Made the rounds to the two school districts I plan to substitute with. Classes resume the last week in August.

One district that was paying $125/day last year is now paying $115/day this year but increased the half day pay from $62.50/day to $65/day.

Now if I could only figure out a way to finagle two half day substitute jobs each day…

It’s A Free Day! Score!…

My friend Gary says I’m cheap and I’ll do anything for something that’s free. He’s mostly right.

Everyone gets coupons for free stuff and/or discounts every now and again. Most of the time it’s for stuff you don’t want, can’t use or don’t need “two for the price of one” of when one will last forever.

Then again, sometimes the confluence of free stuff and this week’s lack of cash in my wallet make it worthwhile to cash in on discount loot.

Today was my “free day”.

I gathered the following collection of accumulated “instead of cash” currency and made the afternoon lunch run.

1. $5 gift certificate for In-N-Out Burger for doing an online survey for something I forget.

2. A twist off plastic cap for a free 1 Liter coke product.

3. A coupon I got in the mail for one 4 pound sample of Purina One cat food.

A cholesterol busting Double-Double burger, fries and drink lunch was followed by a trek across the parking lot to Albertson’s super market to scam my free coke and cat food.

I exit the store to find…MORE FREE STUFF! The Scott Paper Company was handing out free sample rolls of toilet paper and moist wipes!

Total “free day” cost? Fifty six cents!

Tax on the burger and recycle deposit on the coke bottle somewhat spoiled the “free day” experience but what the hey. Nothing is perfect!

…This is truly pathetic. I need a full time job.

In the mean time, how about listing your best “free day score” in the comments section?

My Wife Flushed The Cat…

I was awakened from semi-dream state Thursday morning to Claudette’s excited tone that “…the cat clogged the toilet!” At least that’s what I thought I heard. “…It just jumped off the shelf when I flushed and it disappeared and now the water won’t go down!”

I'm awake at this point but still slow on the uptake wondering how one of our cats could possibility get flushed down the toilet. Even the smaller cat couldn’t even remotely fit through the toilet flusher hole. At most, all they’d get is wet and super pissed off.

Upon further clarification, it becomes apparent that a shelf next to the toilet got bumped, a little cat figurine fell into the toilet and is now the victim of apparent inanimate animal suicide.

Sure enough, repeated test flushing revealed rising water levels more than double the usual point then slowly draining indicated a blockage. So my job for today is fixing the toilet.

Now, I really hate fixing plumbing problems. I can never get it right the first time without leaks and at least two trips to the hardware store. I never have the correct sized part or the correct number and variety of parts. So I’m really going to try and not take the toilet apart to clear this cat clog.

I spend the next hour or so trying to push the cat the rest of the way through toilet channel using a combination of coat hangers, plumbers snake and the ole’ trusty ‘D’-cup toilet plunger to no avail. Several test flushes showed the cat was still not on its merry way to San Francisco bay. DAMN!

Undeterred by this lack of progress, I decided all I need is more “push” to dislodge the drowned cat. I go to the hardware store and find a “Hi-Tec Super Floosher Toilet Plunger” guaranteed to unclog any toilet. Another hour of “flooshing” back home did nothing to encourage the trapped cat to continue its water park adventure ride.

Finally resigned to the realization that I WILL have to take the toilet completely apart, I procrastinate the rest of the day while making a list of toilet parts I’ll need to re-assemble the dang thing after I extract that miserable cat. ….Tomorrow!

As a last ditch effort, I tried to convince Claudette that we could just label this bathroom “For Liquid Waste Only”. Reasoning that, “It still kinda works and we DO have two other perfectly functioning facilities in the house!” She just gave me that droopy eyed look that said “No Dice” before going off to work the next day.

So another trip to the hardware store for toilet parts and a couple more hours in the bathroom surrounded by sopping wet towels and many swear words, I finally extract the medium egg shaped ceramic cat from the bowels of white porcelain toilet.

Undamaged, thoroughly rinsed with a Cheshire grin, it mocks me while I spend another hour re-assembling its former watery prison and clean up the bathroom.

Claudette returns home to find the formally flushed feline sitting on the counter. She tells me, emphatically, that she doesn’t want it back! “It was in the toilet with all that ….stuff”

Damn cat…

What's Your Excuse?...

Found the following on the web:

Excerpts from a collection of actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling) from the Office of Educational Assessment at the University of Washington.

“Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak...”

“Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault...”

“Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday…”

“My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines...”

“Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover…”

Full list here: http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/excuses.html

Substitute Certificate Renewal…

Finally! Something easily accomplished when dealing with the government. I was able to do an online renewal for my county Substitute Teaching Certificate. At $57, I guess I’m committed for at least one half of a class day this coming school year to break even.

So You Think Your Neighbor-Hood is Tough?...

Nigerian pets?...

These photos of hyenas and babbons somewhere in Nigera are making the internet rounds.

How would you like these kids in your class to have a "Bring Your Pet To School Day" for show-and-tell?

"Take Your Pet To School" Day...

Tough neighborhood...

Hey! I’m Sorta, Somewhat, Almost, Semi-Famous…

Discovered today that my blog has made the blogroll in the online Mercury News A&E Interactive section of the local paper! Left hand side, bottom the page, “Substitute Teacher”

Busy Body…

I’m going to reveal something about myself that may or may not be popular.

Did you ever throw a late night beer bust with outdoor loud speakers still going strong at 02:00am when the cops showed up to close it down? Have you ever wondered WHO called the cops to cruise by and shut it down? That was me!

Got a junker of car with flat tires that’s been parked on the street for months and was finally red tagged for towing? Yep, me.

Ever decide that during a dry, drought plagued, “High Fire Danger” summer season the best way to get rid of the six foot tall weeds in the back yard across from my house is to intentionally set them on fire only to have the fire department show up to douse the blaze and issue you a fine? Me again!

(All this stuff really DID really happen…)

Inconsiderate people don’t get consideration from me. But occasionally, I’ll stick my nose in where it just might do someone else some good.

As I was coming back from an appointment Monday of this week, I passed the parking lot of Country Club elementary school where I had my first subbing assignment last year. I noticed something peculiar about a car parked in the nearly empty lot. The car was sitting on the ground with all four wheels missing.

My thought was that this must have been stolen and the fancy rims stripped. It’s summer, the school is not in session and this school isn’t on a particularly busy street. It could be a while before this gets reported. If it was my car, I’d like to get it back ASAP.

I live in the 10^th largest city in the nation according to today’s newspaper, but I don’t think that some of the city services have kept pace.

I called 311, the non-emergency number, to report the possibly stolen car.

I’m on automated “hold” for twenty minutes while “All other operators are busy. Please hold…” before I give up and try again.

The non-emergency menu selection indicates an alternative number for the “city directory assistance operator”. I try that and get a very helpful person who sympathizes with my long attempts to contact the police. She suggests the office of “code enforcement” might help and directs my call.

I give CEG (Code Enforcement Guy) all the relevant information. The school name, the car license plate number, etc.

CEG: I need the complete name and mailing address of the school.
ME: Whaaa? I don’t have the EXACT address, but how many schools might there BE at the corner of San Fli___ Road and Farn___? Don’t you have MapQuest, YahooMaps?

CEG: I can’t help you unless I have the exact address.
ME: Ok. Fine! I’ll look up the address from my school district maps

CEG: Great, we’ll send a letter out to the property owner right away.
ME: You mean you aren’t going to send a cop car out to take a look?

CEG: No, we have to send the property owner a letter and wait two weeks for them to respond before we can move it. (He means he’s going to send the SCHOOL a letter about the car!)
ME: Since the “property” is a public school, doesn’t that mean YOU, the city, own the property? You’re going to send yourself a letter? (I’m trying not to get TOO sarcastic at this point)

CEG: Well, that’s how it’s done.
ME: OOOOHHH KKKAAA…Bye now.

I called 311 again and waited for the “real police” to answer. It took another twenty minutes on automated hold for them to pick up. Four minutes later I completed the report to which they responded that they’d send someone out to check on it.

Over an hour of my time spent but the car was gone the next day.

CEG called me back today to tell me that they couldn’t send the code compliance letter because their department handles only private school properties.

Never mind…

Wild Cat Rodeo Roundup…

Rozilla..

Nothing beats a tiring day like rounding up a bunch of sugar high Kindergartners. Unless it’s medicating an unwilling cat...

My wife has a cat. Two cats actually.

It’s been three years since we got these cats from the local rescue shelter. We haven’t had to deal with flea problems owning these hairy fur balls for pets…until now!

After three flea free years (try saying that 10 times in a row!) and the onset of summer, the fleas have somehow found their way indoors to feast on these two over fed mobile blood lunch wagons. So we got this overpriced, liquid stuff you’re supposed to rub in on the back of the cats’ neck once a month to get rid of the biting bugs and prevent them from coming back.

The “easy” cat was no problem. A pat on the head, scratch the belly and a dose on the back of the neck and we’re done.

The other cat, aptly named ROZILLA, is a different story. Rozzee hasn’t ever been to the vet because she doesn’t trust us enough to pick her up. When I’m occasionally stupid enough to try, I get a twisting, furiously hissing, screaming, spitting, ball of fur and muscle which usually results in making us both very wary and unhappy with each other.

So we’ve come to somewhat of a truce. As long as I don’t try and touch the cat with both hands she’ll submit, somewhat flinchingly, to an occasional one handed scratch behind the ear.

Our plan was simple. I was to immobilize Rozzee with a beach towel and expose the neck area for Claudette to apply the medication. The execution of the plan wasn’t so simple.

Festooned with said beach towel and thick leather work gloves like some demented urban toreador, I approach my quarry. The cat immediately shoots full tilt from room to room with me never getting within five feet of a capture opportunity.

“Plan B”: Close off all the doors in the upper hallway. Chase the cat up the stairs and corner the cat at the dead-end linen closet door. Claudette will stand guard at the top of the stairs to prevent escape in case I miss.

Round and round downstairs we go until Rozzee bolts up the stairs according to plan. I cautiously approach. Coming in low while blocking off the only exit with the towel, I manage to get most of the cat wrapped in the towel. Unfortunately, “most” isn’t enough and I’m getting mauled by the toothy end and one exposed claw.

The cat manages to squirm loose and shoots down the hallway toward Claudette who’s supposed to be blocking the exit down the stairs. Claudette, no fool, immediately abandons her job as “blocker” by pressing flat against the hallway wall and shrieks as Rozzee zooms past. Nice blocking job there, partner!

We regroup and decide to have another pass at “Plan B”. The problem we have now is that the cat has figured out “Plan B” and won’t be tricked into going up the stairs.

So for the next twenty minutes, we go round and round from the living room, to kitchen, to family room, behind the piano, behind the entertainment center, under the couches until the cat and I are exhausted and sweating like hard run horses in the Kentucky Derby. I’m sure any neighbors looking in through our living room picture window that night would have found the spectacle better than any reality show on FOX that night.

The cat finally is exhausted and panting hard. She latches all four claws in the seat cushion of a dining room chair and howls as I cover her with the beach towel with one hand and hold her head with the other while Claudette applies the medication.

Job complete, I quickly step back releasing both ends of mad cat at the same time expecting her to bolt as far away from me as possible. Surprisingly, the cat remains clamped to the chair for the rest the evening probably resting up for next month when we get to do it all over again.

Maybe Kindergarten isn’t so bad after all.

Final Tally: 2004-2005

I didn’t sub at all the last week of school, so I guess I’m on summer vacation also.

Substitute teaching seems to be the only job where no training is given, feedback is rarely provided and the kids, themselves, are the wild card variable to whether or not they make a memorable blog entry.

I thought I should take this opportunity to summarize how this first year of subbing in the Kinder through 6th grades has been. I’ll answer some questions that some people have been curious about and list some likes and dislikes of the subbing experience.

Q&A

Q: Which grade levels did I like best?
A: Without any in depth analysis on my part, I think I first prefer 2^nd,3^rd,4^th grades, then 1^st and 5^th with Kinder and 6^th last. I’m sure some psychoanalyst could read something into that but I’m not gonna ask.

Q: Am I going to do it again next year?
A: Probably if I don’t find a better paying job before then.

Q: Do you think you’d like to become a full time teacher?
A: No, and I don’t have to think about that too much.

Q: from When Pigs Sing “What advice would you give to teachers to procure the good subs?”
A: I’m not sure I have enough experience (8 months total) to give any advice to teachers on how to keep “good subs” other than it would be useful to phone or email the “good subs” they’ve had and let them know that they ARE doing a good job for them.

No one’s contacted me, post-sub assignment, for any feedback at this point so I’m not sure how well I’m doing this job. Hmmm…Maybe teachers already DO contact the good subs and that means…..well….hummmm.

Anyway, I DID get a letter from all three districts I worked for this year that I do have a “reasonable assurance of returning to work” next year so I guess that’s something.

Q: from When Pigs Sing “What advice would you give to teachers do to make your job easier?”
A: The two best sub jobs I’ve had were for classes where a lot of the kids had some kind of classroom job.

The routine daily chores of taking attendance, homework check, library book check in/out, etc was treated, by the kids, as an honor. The classes where this was the normal setup tended to be better behaved and ran like clockwork.

Likes and Dislikes

Dislike: Waking up at oh-six-damn-its-early-oclock to get to the school on time.
Like: Getting off work at oh-three-isthatdaylight?-somethin-oclock every day.

Dislike: That queasy feeling right before the 1^st kid comes in the classroom door. (Does this ever go away?)
Like: That the feeling does go away just after that 1^st kid comes in the door (How does that work?)

Dislike: No lesson plan!
Like: Detailed, word processed lesson plans with all the material clearly available.

Dislike: The handful of the kids I encountered destined to a future state and/or federal residence facility.
Like: The other 99% basically normal, reasonable, pleasant, kid-people to be around.

Like: All of the teacher and administrators of the schools I encountered. They were ALL supportive, friendly and approachable.

What next?

That’s all I can think of right now. If any blog readers wish to submit questions in comment section, I will append and/or update it to this first year summary posting.

Just don’t ask me to sing. It ain’t goin ta happen…

No Calls …

No calls WED/THU/FRI. I guess the schools are winding down for the start of summer on June/10^th.

Maybe I should have worked Tuesday instead of going to the beach?

Nope….Life is too short and one day’s subbing pay isn’t enough to make much of a difference.

Let’s see what the last week of school brings.

Hooky …

The one and only benefit of this subbing job is the ability NOT to accept an assignment at will.

Since Claudette had today off, I took the day off also and we went to the beach just south of Santa Cruz, CA where I promptly sunburned my legs a bright red within an hour.

It seems that “overcast and cool” with no peek of sun doesn’t do as well as Coppertone sun block.

…Must be that Karma thing again.

(Claudette says: it isn’t “Karma”, it's just plain stupid!)

Bathroom Olympics …

I knew Karma was coming my way for how easy I had it with the last class. I just didn’t think it would find me so soon.

This was a 3^rd grade class, short ½ day assignment (Teacher Friday afternoon getaway before the three day weekend? Hmmmm….)

The kids arrived back from lunch recess smelling blood in the water. “Ohh Boy! A sub!”

The requests drinks of water and“I gotta GO! REAL BAD!" started almost immediately and kept coming.

They just came back from lunch recess so I turned all the requests down just to get something started, but the requests didn’t stop. One boy put on a pretty convincing show of an impending flood if I didn’t relent. I finally compromised with one proviso.

“You can go if you can get back in less than two minutes.”

I have a stopwatch feature on my watch and dramatically started it hoping that the threat of being timed would eliminate any dilly-dallying outside the classroom.

Imagine my surprise when the boy boomed back into the classroom out of breath asking for his time. Stopwatch indicated 01:52s.

I’m thinking, “Ok, I guess that worked!”

New hand rose. Same request, different boy, same convincing show. He’s back in just under 01:45s

Next up is a girl who’s out and back in under 01:30s

OMG! I’ve inadvertently created the “Bathroom Olympics”

I ended the competition after one kid claimed he did his business in under 0:45s

The end of class bell didn’t come soon enough for me. These kids were a handful. As the kids filed out to start their long weekend, they all “high-fived” me in a “good-bye” salute.

It was only after the “00:45s wonder kid” left that it dawned on me that I needed some serious hand sanitizer…RIGHT NOW!

…I’m pretty slow on the uptake, aren’t I?

If They Could All Be Like This One…

Today, I subbed for Ms. G’s 4^th/5^th combo class. The teacher’s lesson plan had notes to “be firm” next to a list of “helpful” and “handful” kids.

With this game plan in hand, I greeted the kids with an opening announcement.

“Today, we have a 500 word essay due”.

Surprised looks! Dropped jaws! Moans of incredulity!

I went silent for five beats before looking down at the lesson plan, pretending to turn it around, then announced with a grin.

“Oops, I had it upside down. No essay. Instead, we have kickball for P.E...”

Twenty eight simultaneous sighs of relief mixed with cheers started one of the best days I’ve ever had subbing.

These kids were helpful, responsive, respectful, bright, attentive, and easy to communicate with. Their teacher should be commended for molding such a great group of kids that actually want to be in the classroom.

The day went according to plan with no hitches or glitches. I left a glowing report for Ms. G. about her class.

If ALL classes were as good as this one, I’d have nothing interesting/funny to blog about.

…And I didn’t have to sing!

Doubled Subbed Kindergarten...

The Wednesday Kinder teacher I subbed for called me at home yesterday to ask if I would sub again for her today. I usually like a few down time days between Kinder assignments but she sounded so pitiful on the phone, how could I say no?

This school has only AM/PM kindergarten classes where two teachers switch off being the primary teacher while the other acts as an aide between the morning class and the afternoon class. Today there were subs for both the AM and PM regular teachers.

This is the rare opportunity where I can observe how “I do it” against someone else’s style.

This lady was good, REAL good. The AM kids were sitting politely, raising hands, and eagerly responding to lessons. She had those AM kids under control the whole morning!

Now it’s my turn in the barrel and I’m intimidated.

My Kinder class is a calliope of voices giving me unrelated facts related to class lessons about how many dogs they have, which tooth of the day is loose and a squirmy, wiggly, can’t sit still for more than a minute bunch of wild energy.

I experienced only half of the control the AM class had this morning.

The end of day arrives and that’s when I come to find out that the AM sub-lady was a veteran 1^st grade teacher at this school a few years ago and took time off to have a couple of kids. She just started back as a sub to earn a little income now that her kids are in school.

Ok I feel a little better now knowing that she is a pro.

She said I did great. She explained that, from the regular teachers’ reports, the AM class is usually better behaved than the PM class. She told me that I did much better than yesterdays sub with the same kids.

There is, evidentially, a teacher’s network at this school where they are plugged in to report back to each other on how the subs do in their classes. Freaky!

Since she’s an un-official part of that network and she had heard about my Wednesday session before I even got the school today.

So, I guess I’m doing “ok” or the sick froggy voiced Kinder teacher wouldn’t have called me at home yesterday.

Seven Monsters On The Bed…

It’s back to Kindergarten today.

I finally realized why I have a sore neck and headache after doing Kinders.

They are short! The Disney dwarf sized chairs and tables aren’t made for us 200LB’ers with bad backs.

Most of the day is spend looking down at the cute little kids! It’s really rough on the neck and shoulders.

So I make it to the end of the day with some 5-10 minutes left before dismissal and the plan calls for reading a book. Finally some quite time for the throbbing headache.

The first book I take out, the kids moan saying they already read it. It’s the same for the second and third book selection. Finally, they seemed to respond to a book titled “Seven Monsters On The Bed”.

I realized that they had snookered me when after the first page; they all began singing/shouting the story at the top of their little lungs.

This story is actually the modified version of the same story known as “Ten Little Monkeys Jumping on a Bed...”

I stopped after the first page but they continued with increased volume as each monster fell off to the beat of my pounding headache.

Next time they get “War and Peace”...Chapter One.

Post-it Note Lesson Plans…

I got this call for a ½ day 1st grade class the previous evening, so I was surprised when I got to the school that the teacher didn’t inform the class that morning that she wouldn’t be there for the afternoon.

Isn’t that strange? The kids were very concerned that something happened to her. I thought it was a little rude to the kids not to let them know in advance that nothing was wrong but someone else would be there in the afternoon.

It would seem a common courtesy so I wouldn’t have to explain, ten times, why she disappeared to which I had no answer.

Well, maybe she got to busy that morning generating that, hopefully, full detailed lesson plan for me.

Nope, the entire lesson plan was written one small 3”x3” post-it note.
1. Spelling test.
2. Peter Rabbit
3. Recess (1:10-1:30)
4. Finish Peter Rabbit
5. Science
6. Friday envelopes.

No details on WHAT I was supposed to do with “Peter Rabbit” or just what “Science” I was supposed to teach.

Found an additional post-it with not much more clarification:
1. Peter Rabbit: “Model for students on what to write”.
2. Science: “Stick pictures on grey board”. (She underlined “board” ??)

It sounds almost as if she did this at the last moment without checking to see it was clear to anyone except herself, doesn’t it?

I didn’t appreciate it. It made for a LONG 2.5 hours.

(She also forgot the mention that this was a 1st/2nd grade combo class, not that it made much difference)

Flat Rats and Other Stuff…

It’s been two weeks since I last subbed. That’s about enough time to get ready for today’s Kindergarten class. Real easy class and I even got an aide for half of it. Nuf’ said ‘bout that.

One of the few benefits of sub work is that you can choose NOT to work if other stuff is happening. I took these last two weeks off to host visiting friends/relatives from Long Island, attend an out of town wedding, and helping a friend clean out the flat rats in a house he finally sold.

I guess I should explain that last activity, but first some history.

My friend, Gary, inherited this house plus all the furnishings about 15-20 years ago from an elderly aunt. It’s hidden from the road by an overgrowth of trees, ivy and who knows what else. Not knowing what he wanted to do with the house and the stuff inside, he simply locked the doors and installed motion detectors and alarms to scare off any undesirables.

Because it’s about an hour drive from home, it has sometimes been months between visits to check the on the place.

One year became two, then five and the next thing you know it’s twenty years later. Earthquakes, mold, decay, termites, spiders, rats and human intruders finally took its toll on the place.

This house, at one time, had lots of furniture, glassware, at least two grand pianos, tools and a lifetime of books and letters.

I say at “one time” because over the last few years, thieves have been breaking into the house over an extended period of time and carried off most anything of value.

Why Gary didn’t sell off the furnishings long ago is another story, but the fascinating part of this story is the outright brass balls of these thieves.

They stole the mailbox …twice!

When we first discovered the break-ins to the house, we boarded up all the windows and re-secured the doors with new locks.

On a follow-up visit, we found that the thieves had sawed away the door frames around our locks and installed their own padlocks to the kitchen door for easy access!

They also installed a chain across the driveway with a “NO Trespassing” sign. I guess they were worried about competition.

They, evidentially, were having problems angling the furniture down the two flights of stairs because they sawed the stair railings away so they could drop the stuff straight down the stairwell.

Someone chipped away individual decorative tiles from the kitchen back splash.

We noticed evidence that someone had been sifting through the fireplace ash pit looking for who knows what.

The bathroom sink is missing.

Between what remaining furniture we moved to off site storage and what the thieves had already removed, the house was cleaned out of anything with remote value.

What WAS left was a mountain of trash.

Aunt Ellen was a saver. She saved everything. Evidentially she always “added” rather than “replaced” anything.

I know this because three of us spent a better part of last week filling two 20-yard dumpsters with trash that included:

• Forty year old news papers
• Piles of old musty/moldy clothes and bedding
• Bags and bags of letters and junk mail
• A mountain of broken glass.
• A collection of eighteen mattresses and box springs.
• Petrified birds and finally…yes
• At least two completely flat desiccated rats.

Gary owes me…….BIG TIME!

ADD/ADHD and NeuroFeedback ...

We had a good friend visit this afternoon and the topic of ADD/ADHD came up in reference to one of her kids.

She told us that a NeuroFeedback clinic in the state where she lives was able to clinically test her son and could measure her son’s brain development as related to his ADD diagnosis.

More importantly, she said her son after treatments is now testing almost to the normal levels using NeuroFeedback instead of medication. She said she has received comments from his teachers about the improvement in class and class work.

So maybe there is something here. Since I hadn’t heard of this form of treatment before and I now have a real first hand account of its effectiveness, I thought I’d pass it on for others (teachers and parents) to investigate.

Here are some online links to start with:

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/13/1668_50191.htm

http://add.about.com/library/blaskthecoach4.htm

http://www.biofeedback1.com/add1.html

Kindergarten Lesson Plans...

Lesson plans for Kindergarten are a kick unless you’re the one that is supposed to execute them. There are just SOME things I WON’T do!

I’m just fine with upper grade plans dealing with Math, Reading, English (except for maybe transitive/intransitive verbs), but Kindergarten AM class is a whole different animal. Especially for Mr. Perry the substitute!

Going over the morning lesson plan:

1. Put on the “Good Morning” song CD and take roll – check!
2. Have them do the calendar and days of the week – check!
3. Read the story from the book on my desk – check!
4. Recess – check
5. Have them do the “Earth Day” mobile craft- (…Uh well, maybe!)
6. Another recess – check
7. Clean up – check
8. Read another book – check
9. Sing a song – che….Uh, What THE ???
10. Dismiss –

Singing is not something I do well. In fact, it’s something I do really, really bad. I lip sync when required. Usually in church. William Hung of American Idle fame has a better chance, and the guts to do it in front of 19 five year olds than I do.

Fortunately, this school has AM and PM Kindergarten where both teachers overlap and act as aids for each other. At craft time, the PM Kinder teacher jumped in to rescue me from figuring out on the fly what I was suppose to do directing the kids with the mobile project. I’m hoping she’s around for lesson item #9 later in the afternoon.

She wasn’t.

The thing about kids this age is that they know the routine. They need the routine. They will protest LOUDLY if you deviate from the routine.

The routine for them, at the end of the day, was clean up, story, song and go home. They expected clean up, story, song and go home.

So when we completed the clean up followed by the lesson plan indicated story, I destroyed their perception of reality by announcing…

Instead of a song, we’re going to ……………………..READ ANOTHER STORY!

You should have seen the looks on their angelic little faces. Wonder! Amazement! Horror?

“You can’t do that, Mrs Perry!” one little guy blurted! “It’s supposed to be story, then the song and then go home!”

My response: “It’s MR. Perry little guy, and today we’re doing it a little different”.

With a few more protests, grumblings and a few resentful looks they did finally settle down for the story about a kid that made play dough cookies and tricked his parents into eating them.

I guarantee it was much better than any song sung by me…

Back to Work?...

The consulting project is complete so I guess it’s back to school starting tomorrow if I get a call.

What I’m going to miss:

1) Taking a bathroom break whenever I need one
2) Driving off site for 1-2 hours for lunch.
3) Working hours that start anywhere from 08:00am to 10:00am

What I’m not going to miss:

1) Seventeen mile one way commute traffic at $2.80/gallon.
2) Getting home after dark.
3) No recess.

The Injection...

I’m a nervous dental patient. I’m sure I’m not in a minority in this respect.

I don’t like the dentist. Well actually, I LIKE the dentist herself but I hate the dental experience.

I don’t like the drilling, the sharp instruments, the smells, the drilling sounds and I especially don’t like the needles. Curiously enough the pain doesn’t bother me so much because most of the time there isn’t any.

I have been known to pass out getting any kind of injections so getting it in the mouth is the worst torture for me. I would make a really chicken terrorist because if I got caught, the sight of a needle during interrogation would trigger voluntary information overload.

My dentist knows all this and tries her best to get done quick and efficiently with a minimum of discomfort. My worst fear is that a first injection won’t work and I’ll have to get a second or even a third before she can work on me.

So today, as she finished the injection and before it started to take effect, a construction crew arrived outside the door of the Dr’s office started jack hammering the walkway!

My dentist is pissed! They told her they’d wait till after 02:00pm after her last appt before they started work. She instructs the office secretary to go out and have them stop and come back later. They ignore her.

She told me if the noise bothered me I could come back for another appt.

I already got the injection! I WASN’T going to volunteer to go away and come back for another one. I told her to keep going.

She’s just about ready to drill when the jackhammer triggers the burglar alarm siren in the office next door!

The dentist is now trying to call the physician’s office, his cell phone, his house to get him to come down and turn the alarm off. There is no answer at any of the numbers.

The dentist is double pissed now. She wants action. She wants names. She’s gonna write letters. She again offers me a reschedule.

I don’t want another shot in the mouth so tell her: “No, Do It!”

So for the rest of my dental appointment I endure the brain piercing whine of the dentist drill, the shrieking sonic sounds of the burglar alarm mixed with the pounding beat of jack hammers on concrete.

I don’t want another injection.

Ah Ville Bee BAACK!...

It turns out that final day and a half of the current assignment WAS too good to be true for the 3^rd graders.

Friday ended with “HOME----”

Monday noon ended with “HOMEWOR-”

Friday night I got a call from a previous employer to do a couple weeks of consulting work. Since the pay is more than 4 times what subbing pays, it would be foolish to turn it down. Besides, I think I do this better than subbing.

I probably won’t be posting until I complete the programming assignment. “Industry” work isn’t quite as entertaining as the “public sector”. (Those are just two of the new lingo phrases I picked up at the schools).

So here’s “THANKS!” to all who have offered good advice and comments. And a bigger blogger “THANKS!” to all those who have enjoyed my “sub-teacher” adventures up to this point.

As our governator would say "Ah Ville Bee BAACK!”...

It IS Green!...

I was almost out the door, resigned to another workless day this week when the sub-line called at 09:00am for a 3^rd grade assignment. The catch is that it was a 2 ½ day assignment for the rest of today, tomorrow and a half day Monday.

The fact that they were calling an hour after the start of class today usually means the teacher suddenly had to leave. But suddenly leave for the next four and a half days?

Anyway, I get to the school at 9:30am to find three very detailed lesson plans laid out on the desk labeled “Thurs”, “Fri” and “Monday”. Not something one would expect from a teacher who suddenly took ill.

Well, the story goes that this teacher had scheduled this time off, let her kids know there would be a sub for the duration, said goodbye to her friends and fellow teachers and flew out of town Wednesday night to attend a wedding.

But she FORGOT to inform the office or the sub line of the need to get someone for her class.

Thursday 08:00am, the kids show up and no one is there to teach.

What a day this is promises to be. The top of the lesson plan indicated that I should be firm with the kids and hand out “referrals” as needed. Referrals are the classroom equivalent of traffic speeding tickets in the real world.

Taking heed of the teachers warning, I explain the extra essay “HOMEWORK” deal.

I also told them that every class I taught had at least some letters. “No one has broken the record of not getting any letters at all and only one class has ever gotten ALL the letters”.

They seemed enthused to try and be the first class to beat the record. The morning went well and I sent them off to recess without even an “H” on the board.

One of the boys came in after recess complaining that he had to go to the nurse because he had bruises on his arm. I had him roll up his sleeve to show me.

Sure enough, his whole left arm from elbow to shoulder had red bruises.

I asked him how that happened. He said that all the girls spent the whole recess chasing him around the field and pinching him because he wasn’t wearing green for St. Patty’s day.

I loudly commented that the only reason the girls pinched him so much really meant that the girls really, really liked him. That got the expected response from kids this age of “Ehhhheeewwww!” I was hoping that would save the kid from further torment at the lunch recess.

I gave him the universal, cure-all wet paper towel and had him go back to his seat.

Near the end of the day, the kid with the pinch welts raises his hand and announces quite loudly, “Mr. Perry? You aren’t wearing any green either!”

A couple of the boys in the front row slowly and start walking toward me with evil little grins.

“Back to your seats!” I say while pointing to my teal blue shirt while claiming than, in reality, “kind of GREEN counts!”

BTW, the class made it the whole day without any “HOMEWORK” letters. I told them that they had achieved a new record and they cheered.

I also told them that two days in a row would be an even BIGGER accomplishment. Am I expecting too much?

Testing, testing, testing...

No calls this week, so no "school" postings. Instead I've been playing around with Google's Picasa photo organizer and blog posting tool.


Colors of Kauai

Grandpa!....

Son and daughter-in-law produced and directed the latest addition to the family line Sunday afternoon. A baby girl who has yet to be named. I'll brain them if they name her Duchess!

A Royal Pain...

The winter rains have finally taken a break only to be replaced with early summer.

It’s only 08:00am and it’s already mid-70’s when I opened the door to a blast of heat in my 3^rd grade classroom. The heater is on full and the temperature must have been charging past 80F.

This should be a simple enough situation to deal with. I’ll just switch it off and leave the door open or switch it to A/C till class starts. I discover that there are NO controls on the thermostat! No off switch, no temperature adjustment knob, nothing!

I called the office asking how I turn off the heater and she told me that a technician has to do it and will be sent out.

With the door propped open, I begin the search for my detailed lesson plan.

There isn’t one. Damn! Suckered again!

There ARE two notes from another sub that had this class Tuesday and Wednesday. Her notes seemed to indicate she encountered the same situation but forged ahead listing the assignments and homework SHE had them do. This sub is obviously a seasoned, experienced ex-teacher who knows what to do on a “no-plan” day.

Unfortunately, I’m still too raw and inexperienced to duplicate the process. I NEED crib notes! Had this been indicated on the sub caller’s “additional info”, I would probably have passed on this class.

I DID find a teacher “general plan” for the month that indicated a spelling test and a math work sheet scheduled for today. Nothing else was marked on the plan for today. I added “silent reading” and “journal writing” fill out a pretty sparse day.

The kids arrive and promptly notify me that I have “something” on my back. In attempting to figure out what I had backed into, another kid points and says, “It’s on the front of your shirt too!”

I’m sweating through my shirt at 08:30am. Damn that heater! When’s that tech coming!

As if on cue, the guy arrives and plugs his laptop computer into a data port on the bottom of the high tech thermostat to turn the heater off and the A/C on.

“Isn’t that a little overly complicated for a simple thermostat control?” I ask. He looks at me and comments “Yep...” as he exits out the door.

During attendance I come to the name “Duchess” (this is a public blog so this is not her actual “parent should be shot” name but a close enough equivalent). She’s the cute blond hair, blue eyed, freckled faced kid standing on her chair furiously waving her hand announcing “HERE!” in response.

I can already tell it’s gonna be one of those days.

I go through the “HOMEWORK” rule even though I already know it’s a bluff. This is the last day of a short week and with a minimal lesson plan, I can’t fault the kids for this one.

Duchess is coloring her nails with crayons.

The morning goes pretty good. Silent reading and journal writing is going well.

Duchess can’t seem to find a book to read and she seems to have “lost” her journal.

I grab a random book from the class library and sit with her to see if she can’t or won’t do the work. She effortlessly reads the two whole pages I selected at random so I know it’s not “can’t”.

I spend 50% of the rest of my time till the first recess just trying to get her to stay in one place and at least pretend to write a journal entry on note paper.

After recess we spend time on the spelling test.

Duchess can’t seem to remember the word to be spelled at any given moment. Pencil broke, needs another. Got a new pencil but lost her spelling paper.

Math assignment is pretty much the same. While most of the rest of the kids can read the board for the page numbers in the math book, Duchess doesn’t seem to know what page she’s supposed to do. When I point to the board, she can’t seem to find her math book. When I hand her the book from the pile of books on her desk, her pencil is broken again.

The rest of the day ends pretty much the same.

The hard life of a royal pain…

You Never Know What You’re Gonna Get...

To paraphrase Forrest Gump, “A Class is like a box of Choc-lits. You never know what you’re gonna git.”

I was called at 10:30am for this assignment today!

This was a half day assignment starting at 11:15am. I arrived at the office to discover that six more subs were on their way for the afternoon. Some kind of teachers meeting scheduled for the rest of the afternoon. Didn’t this used to happen after school or at the tail end of the short day?

Oh, well! I arrived at the classroom during that last part of a well behaved pre-algebra math class. Students quietly checking their work while taking turns doing problems on the overhead.

The teacher stays while I review the afternoon lesson plan.

It’s going to be a pretty simple and straightforward afternoon. Lunch, silent reading, finish up with a science lesson on earthquakes and dismiss. The teacher exits the room.

…and the class PAR-TAY erupts!

WHOA! I’ve never seen such a quick transition. I get them quiet enough to describe the extra “HOMEWORK” essay procedure that I hadn’t expected to use today but evidentially needed.

In the next two and half hours of class, not including lunch time, they had amassed “HOMEWOR-“. In addition, I had four names on the board including one girl with three check marks next to her name.

Let’s go back to 1^st grade…

Classroom Medicinal Cure-All...

I finally got a class of 1^st graders after an extended holiday. The office said that seven teachers were out for the day at a seminar.

This school is one built during the “new age” when the open classroom was the new “in” thing in classroom design. This, unfortunately, allowed me and the kids in my class to periodically glance out across the common corridor into the other 1^st grade class being handled by another sub-for-the-day.

Judging from all the yelling, kids wrestling on the floor and a lot of general loud commotion going on over there, I got the luck of the draw with my generally polite group of 18 kids.

Things were so bad over there that I saw the sub send his kids off to lunch 5 minutes early. This frustrated my kids because they knew that they had the same lunch hour. It took a lot of convincing that they were NOT late for lunch.

One of the nice things about the internet is the wealth of information and advice available from “those who have gone before”.

I’m still gullible, but learning, when a kid has medical complaints from a “bumped elbow” to “suspected Ebola”, so my usual response was to write a slip and sent them to the health office.

I started to learn from the “resolution comments” from the office at various schools that I needed to be more selective on which cases I sent down.

So, when I was faced with the only minor medical situation I had to deal with today, I was prepared to handle a case of “my eye feels itchy” with the universal classroom medicinal cure-all.

A wet paper towel…

It was from another teacher blog where I learned about it. A wet paper towel, reportedly, should cure about 90% of all kid in classroom ailments. (Thanks Jinny!)

After a 10 minute application, the kid was well enough to be goofing around when he should have been working.

Cured!...

Still No Calls...

Well, we’ve reached mid week after the holiday and still no sub calls.

Instead, I spent the day online trading my loser dud mutual funds and replacing them with some high risk oil tanker stocks that seem to be promising some eye popping dividends.

Yahoo sent me a Baskin Robbins coupon for a free ice cream cone.

So with the trading done and the sun finally out, I bought a $3 lunch off the dollar menu at Wendy’s and topped it off with some ice cream for dessert.

Tomorrow, I’ll undoubtedly discover the oil tankers sank, my cholesterol level hit a new high and the “free” cone actually cost me $2 in gas to drive down there and back.

I think I’ll call the sub line now to see if anything is available for tomorrow…

I Had A Dream...

The schools have been back in session this week, but evidentially all the teachers are well rested because there have been no calls.

No, the title of this post isn’t to imply a continuation of Black History month. No memorable speech to be archived in the history books.

But I’ve been having this recurring dream the last couple of nights.

I’m evidentially in a college classroom. I’m apparently a student. I don’t know how I got there or what I’m doing there. Worse, I have no idea what the class is about.

I see classmates passing homework to the end of the rows. I look at some of the papers going passed. They look like “charts” of some kind.

Of course, I don’t have any homework to turn in and the instructor is asking me if I care to complete mine before the end of class.

All I can do is stare at the instructor, who I don’t recognize, and wonder “What’s he talking about?”

I think I’ve seen this same expression on the faces of some of the students I’ve subbed!

I remember some dreams in I had in school where I realized I hadn’t shown up for a class all year just before the final. I’ve heard other people tell of dreams where they showed up for class naked.

Freaky how the subconscious works.

Well, at least I’m not naked in this one…