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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

My Wife Flushed The Cat…

I was awakened from semi-dream state Thursday morning to Claudette’s excited tone that “…the cat clogged the toilet!” At least that’s what I thought I heard. “…It just jumped off the shelf when I flushed and it disappeared and now the water won’t go down!”

I'm awake at this point but still slow on the uptake wondering how one of our cats could possibility get flushed down the toilet. Even the smaller cat couldn’t even remotely fit through the toilet flusher hole. At most, all they’d get is wet and super pissed off.

Upon further clarification, it becomes apparent that a shelf next to the toilet got bumped, a little cat figurine fell into the toilet and is now the victim of apparent inanimate animal suicide.

Sure enough, repeated test flushing revealed rising water levels more than double the usual point then slowly draining indicated a blockage. So my job for today is fixing the toilet.

Now, I really hate fixing plumbing problems. I can never get it right the first time without leaks and at least two trips to the hardware store. I never have the correct sized part or the correct number and variety of parts. So I’m really going to try and not take the toilet apart to clear this cat clog.

I spend the next hour or so trying to push the cat the rest of the way through toilet channel using a combination of coat hangers, plumbers snake and the ole’ trusty ‘D’-cup toilet plunger to no avail. Several test flushes showed the cat was still not on its merry way to San Francisco bay. DAMN!

Undeterred by this lack of progress, I decided all I need is more “push” to dislodge the drowned cat. I go to the hardware store and find a “Hi-Tec Super Floosher Toilet Plunger” guaranteed to unclog any toilet. Another hour of “flooshing” back home did nothing to encourage the trapped cat to continue its water park adventure ride.

Finally resigned to the realization that I WILL have to take the toilet completely apart, I procrastinate the rest of the day while making a list of toilet parts I’ll need to re-assemble the dang thing after I extract that miserable cat. ….Tomorrow!

As a last ditch effort, I tried to convince Claudette that we could just label this bathroom “For Liquid Waste Only”. Reasoning that, “It still kinda works and we DO have two other perfectly functioning facilities in the house!” She just gave me that droopy eyed look that said “No Dice” before going off to work the next day.

So another trip to the hardware store for toilet parts and a couple more hours in the bathroom surrounded by sopping wet towels and many swear words, I finally extract the medium egg shaped ceramic cat from the bowels of white porcelain toilet.

Undamaged, thoroughly rinsed with a Cheshire grin, it mocks me while I spend another hour re-assembling its former watery prison and clean up the bathroom.

Claudette returns home to find the formally flushed feline sitting on the counter. She tells me, emphatically, that she doesn’t want it back! “It was in the toilet with all that ….stuff

Damn cat…


leesepea said...


I am always terrified of dropping something important or unflushable in the toilet and having to retrieve it.

I can understand your wife's reaction to the icky places the ceramic cat has been. Funny how we will make a huge deal about something and then wrinkle our noses at the end result. We're funny that way.

Wino McHackenpuke said...

I thought it was a real cat that got clogged.

It would have been a better story if it were.