Doubled Subbed Kindergarten...

The Wednesday Kinder teacher I subbed for called me at home yesterday to ask if I would sub again for her today. I usually like a few down time days between Kinder assignments but she sounded so pitiful on the phone, how could I say no?

This school has only AM/PM kindergarten classes where two teachers switch off being the primary teacher while the other acts as an aide between the morning class and the afternoon class. Today there were subs for both the AM and PM regular teachers.

This is the rare opportunity where I can observe how “I do it” against someone else’s style.

This lady was good, REAL good. The AM kids were sitting politely, raising hands, and eagerly responding to lessons. She had those AM kids under control the whole morning!

Now it’s my turn in the barrel and I’m intimidated.

My Kinder class is a calliope of voices giving me unrelated facts related to class lessons about how many dogs they have, which tooth of the day is loose and a squirmy, wiggly, can’t sit still for more than a minute bunch of wild energy.

I experienced only half of the control the AM class had this morning.

The end of day arrives and that’s when I come to find out that the AM sub-lady was a veteran 1^st grade teacher at this school a few years ago and took time off to have a couple of kids. She just started back as a sub to earn a little income now that her kids are in school.

Ok I feel a little better now knowing that she is a pro.

She said I did great. She explained that, from the regular teachers’ reports, the AM class is usually better behaved than the PM class. She told me that I did much better than yesterdays sub with the same kids.

There is, evidentially, a teacher’s network at this school where they are plugged in to report back to each other on how the subs do in their classes. Freaky!

Since she’s an un-official part of that network and she had heard about my Wednesday session before I even got the school today.

So, I guess I’m doing “ok” or the sick froggy voiced Kinder teacher wouldn’t have called me at home yesterday.

Seven Monsters On The Bed…

It’s back to Kindergarten today.

I finally realized why I have a sore neck and headache after doing Kinders.

They are short! The Disney dwarf sized chairs and tables aren’t made for us 200LB’ers with bad backs.

Most of the day is spend looking down at the cute little kids! It’s really rough on the neck and shoulders.

So I make it to the end of the day with some 5-10 minutes left before dismissal and the plan calls for reading a book. Finally some quite time for the throbbing headache.

The first book I take out, the kids moan saying they already read it. It’s the same for the second and third book selection. Finally, they seemed to respond to a book titled “Seven Monsters On The Bed”.

I realized that they had snookered me when after the first page; they all began singing/shouting the story at the top of their little lungs.

This story is actually the modified version of the same story known as “Ten Little Monkeys Jumping on a Bed...”

I stopped after the first page but they continued with increased volume as each monster fell off to the beat of my pounding headache.

Next time they get “War and Peace”...Chapter One.

Post-it Note Lesson Plans…

I got this call for a ½ day 1st grade class the previous evening, so I was surprised when I got to the school that the teacher didn’t inform the class that morning that she wouldn’t be there for the afternoon.

Isn’t that strange? The kids were very concerned that something happened to her. I thought it was a little rude to the kids not to let them know in advance that nothing was wrong but someone else would be there in the afternoon.

It would seem a common courtesy so I wouldn’t have to explain, ten times, why she disappeared to which I had no answer.

Well, maybe she got to busy that morning generating that, hopefully, full detailed lesson plan for me.

Nope, the entire lesson plan was written one small 3”x3” post-it note.
1. Spelling test.
2. Peter Rabbit
3. Recess (1:10-1:30)
4. Finish Peter Rabbit
5. Science
6. Friday envelopes.

No details on WHAT I was supposed to do with “Peter Rabbit” or just what “Science” I was supposed to teach.

Found an additional post-it with not much more clarification:
1. Peter Rabbit: “Model for students on what to write”.
2. Science: “Stick pictures on grey board”. (She underlined “board” ??)

It sounds almost as if she did this at the last moment without checking to see it was clear to anyone except herself, doesn’t it?

I didn’t appreciate it. It made for a LONG 2.5 hours.

(She also forgot the mention that this was a 1st/2nd grade combo class, not that it made much difference)

Flat Rats and Other Stuff…

It’s been two weeks since I last subbed. That’s about enough time to get ready for today’s Kindergarten class. Real easy class and I even got an aide for half of it. Nuf’ said ‘bout that.

One of the few benefits of sub work is that you can choose NOT to work if other stuff is happening. I took these last two weeks off to host visiting friends/relatives from Long Island, attend an out of town wedding, and helping a friend clean out the flat rats in a house he finally sold.

I guess I should explain that last activity, but first some history.

My friend, Gary, inherited this house plus all the furnishings about 15-20 years ago from an elderly aunt. It’s hidden from the road by an overgrowth of trees, ivy and who knows what else. Not knowing what he wanted to do with the house and the stuff inside, he simply locked the doors and installed motion detectors and alarms to scare off any undesirables.

Because it’s about an hour drive from home, it has sometimes been months between visits to check the on the place.

One year became two, then five and the next thing you know it’s twenty years later. Earthquakes, mold, decay, termites, spiders, rats and human intruders finally took its toll on the place.

This house, at one time, had lots of furniture, glassware, at least two grand pianos, tools and a lifetime of books and letters.

I say at “one time” because over the last few years, thieves have been breaking into the house over an extended period of time and carried off most anything of value.

Why Gary didn’t sell off the furnishings long ago is another story, but the fascinating part of this story is the outright brass balls of these thieves.

They stole the mailbox …twice!

When we first discovered the break-ins to the house, we boarded up all the windows and re-secured the doors with new locks.

On a follow-up visit, we found that the thieves had sawed away the door frames around our locks and installed their own padlocks to the kitchen door for easy access!

They also installed a chain across the driveway with a “NO Trespassing” sign. I guess they were worried about competition.

They, evidentially, were having problems angling the furniture down the two flights of stairs because they sawed the stair railings away so they could drop the stuff straight down the stairwell.

Someone chipped away individual decorative tiles from the kitchen back splash.

We noticed evidence that someone had been sifting through the fireplace ash pit looking for who knows what.

The bathroom sink is missing.

Between what remaining furniture we moved to off site storage and what the thieves had already removed, the house was cleaned out of anything with remote value.

What WAS left was a mountain of trash.

Aunt Ellen was a saver. She saved everything. Evidentially she always “added” rather than “replaced” anything.

I know this because three of us spent a better part of last week filling two 20-yard dumpsters with trash that included:

• Forty year old news papers
• Piles of old musty/moldy clothes and bedding
• Bags and bags of letters and junk mail
• A mountain of broken glass.
• A collection of eighteen mattresses and box springs.
• Petrified birds and finally…yes
• At least two completely flat desiccated rats.

Gary owes me…….BIG TIME!

ADD/ADHD and NeuroFeedback ...

We had a good friend visit this afternoon and the topic of ADD/ADHD came up in reference to one of her kids.

She told us that a NeuroFeedback clinic in the state where she lives was able to clinically test her son and could measure her son’s brain development as related to his ADD diagnosis.

More importantly, she said her son after treatments is now testing almost to the normal levels using NeuroFeedback instead of medication. She said she has received comments from his teachers about the improvement in class and class work.

So maybe there is something here. Since I hadn’t heard of this form of treatment before and I now have a real first hand account of its effectiveness, I thought I’d pass it on for others (teachers and parents) to investigate.

Here are some online links to start with:

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/13/1668_50191.htm

http://add.about.com/library/blaskthecoach4.htm

http://www.biofeedback1.com/add1.html

Kindergarten Lesson Plans...

Lesson plans for Kindergarten are a kick unless you’re the one that is supposed to execute them. There are just SOME things I WON’T do!

I’m just fine with upper grade plans dealing with Math, Reading, English (except for maybe transitive/intransitive verbs), but Kindergarten AM class is a whole different animal. Especially for Mr. Perry the substitute!

Going over the morning lesson plan:

1. Put on the “Good Morning” song CD and take roll – check!
2. Have them do the calendar and days of the week – check!
3. Read the story from the book on my desk – check!
4. Recess – check
5. Have them do the “Earth Day” mobile craft- (…Uh well, maybe!)
6. Another recess – check
7. Clean up – check
8. Read another book – check
9. Sing a song – che….Uh, What THE ???
10. Dismiss –

Singing is not something I do well. In fact, it’s something I do really, really bad. I lip sync when required. Usually in church. William Hung of American Idle fame has a better chance, and the guts to do it in front of 19 five year olds than I do.

Fortunately, this school has AM and PM Kindergarten where both teachers overlap and act as aids for each other. At craft time, the PM Kinder teacher jumped in to rescue me from figuring out on the fly what I was suppose to do directing the kids with the mobile project. I’m hoping she’s around for lesson item #9 later in the afternoon.

She wasn’t.

The thing about kids this age is that they know the routine. They need the routine. They will protest LOUDLY if you deviate from the routine.

The routine for them, at the end of the day, was clean up, story, song and go home. They expected clean up, story, song and go home.

So when we completed the clean up followed by the lesson plan indicated story, I destroyed their perception of reality by announcing…

Instead of a song, we’re going to ……………………..READ ANOTHER STORY!

You should have seen the looks on their angelic little faces. Wonder! Amazement! Horror?

“You can’t do that, Mrs Perry!” one little guy blurted! “It’s supposed to be story, then the song and then go home!”

My response: “It’s MR. Perry little guy, and today we’re doing it a little different”.

With a few more protests, grumblings and a few resentful looks they did finally settle down for the story about a kid that made play dough cookies and tricked his parents into eating them.

I guarantee it was much better than any song sung by me…

Back to Work?...

The consulting project is complete so I guess it’s back to school starting tomorrow if I get a call.

What I’m going to miss:

1) Taking a bathroom break whenever I need one
2) Driving off site for 1-2 hours for lunch.
3) Working hours that start anywhere from 08:00am to 10:00am

What I’m not going to miss:

1) Seventeen mile one way commute traffic at $2.80/gallon.
2) Getting home after dark.
3) No recess.

The Injection...

I’m a nervous dental patient. I’m sure I’m not in a minority in this respect.

I don’t like the dentist. Well actually, I LIKE the dentist herself but I hate the dental experience.

I don’t like the drilling, the sharp instruments, the smells, the drilling sounds and I especially don’t like the needles. Curiously enough the pain doesn’t bother me so much because most of the time there isn’t any.

I have been known to pass out getting any kind of injections so getting it in the mouth is the worst torture for me. I would make a really chicken terrorist because if I got caught, the sight of a needle during interrogation would trigger voluntary information overload.

My dentist knows all this and tries her best to get done quick and efficiently with a minimum of discomfort. My worst fear is that a first injection won’t work and I’ll have to get a second or even a third before she can work on me.

So today, as she finished the injection and before it started to take effect, a construction crew arrived outside the door of the Dr’s office started jack hammering the walkway!

My dentist is pissed! They told her they’d wait till after 02:00pm after her last appt before they started work. She instructs the office secretary to go out and have them stop and come back later. They ignore her.

She told me if the noise bothered me I could come back for another appt.

I already got the injection! I WASN’T going to volunteer to go away and come back for another one. I told her to keep going.

She’s just about ready to drill when the jackhammer triggers the burglar alarm siren in the office next door!

The dentist is now trying to call the physician’s office, his cell phone, his house to get him to come down and turn the alarm off. There is no answer at any of the numbers.

The dentist is double pissed now. She wants action. She wants names. She’s gonna write letters. She again offers me a reschedule.

I don’t want another shot in the mouth so tell her: “No, Do It!”

So for the rest of my dental appointment I endure the brain piercing whine of the dentist drill, the shrieking sonic sounds of the burglar alarm mixed with the pounding beat of jack hammers on concrete.

I don’t want another injection.

Ah Ville Bee BAACK!...

It turns out that final day and a half of the current assignment WAS too good to be true for the 3^rd graders.

Friday ended with “HOME----”

Monday noon ended with “HOMEWOR-”

Friday night I got a call from a previous employer to do a couple weeks of consulting work. Since the pay is more than 4 times what subbing pays, it would be foolish to turn it down. Besides, I think I do this better than subbing.

I probably won’t be posting until I complete the programming assignment. “Industry” work isn’t quite as entertaining as the “public sector”. (Those are just two of the new lingo phrases I picked up at the schools).

So here’s “THANKS!” to all who have offered good advice and comments. And a bigger blogger “THANKS!” to all those who have enjoyed my “sub-teacher” adventures up to this point.

As our governator would say "Ah Ville Bee BAACK!”...

It IS Green!...

I was almost out the door, resigned to another workless day this week when the sub-line called at 09:00am for a 3^rd grade assignment. The catch is that it was a 2 ½ day assignment for the rest of today, tomorrow and a half day Monday.

The fact that they were calling an hour after the start of class today usually means the teacher suddenly had to leave. But suddenly leave for the next four and a half days?

Anyway, I get to the school at 9:30am to find three very detailed lesson plans laid out on the desk labeled “Thurs”, “Fri” and “Monday”. Not something one would expect from a teacher who suddenly took ill.

Well, the story goes that this teacher had scheduled this time off, let her kids know there would be a sub for the duration, said goodbye to her friends and fellow teachers and flew out of town Wednesday night to attend a wedding.

But she FORGOT to inform the office or the sub line of the need to get someone for her class.

Thursday 08:00am, the kids show up and no one is there to teach.

What a day this is promises to be. The top of the lesson plan indicated that I should be firm with the kids and hand out “referrals” as needed. Referrals are the classroom equivalent of traffic speeding tickets in the real world.

Taking heed of the teachers warning, I explain the extra essay “HOMEWORK” deal.

I also told them that every class I taught had at least some letters. “No one has broken the record of not getting any letters at all and only one class has ever gotten ALL the letters”.

They seemed enthused to try and be the first class to beat the record. The morning went well and I sent them off to recess without even an “H” on the board.

One of the boys came in after recess complaining that he had to go to the nurse because he had bruises on his arm. I had him roll up his sleeve to show me.

Sure enough, his whole left arm from elbow to shoulder had red bruises.

I asked him how that happened. He said that all the girls spent the whole recess chasing him around the field and pinching him because he wasn’t wearing green for St. Patty’s day.

I loudly commented that the only reason the girls pinched him so much really meant that the girls really, really liked him. That got the expected response from kids this age of “Ehhhheeewwww!” I was hoping that would save the kid from further torment at the lunch recess.

I gave him the universal, cure-all wet paper towel and had him go back to his seat.

Near the end of the day, the kid with the pinch welts raises his hand and announces quite loudly, “Mr. Perry? You aren’t wearing any green either!”

A couple of the boys in the front row slowly and start walking toward me with evil little grins.

“Back to your seats!” I say while pointing to my teal blue shirt while claiming than, in reality, “kind of GREEN counts!”

BTW, the class made it the whole day without any “HOMEWORK” letters. I told them that they had achieved a new record and they cheered.

I also told them that two days in a row would be an even BIGGER accomplishment. Am I expecting too much?

Testing, testing, testing...

No calls this week, so no "school" postings. Instead I've been playing around with Google's Picasa photo organizer and blog posting tool.


Colors of Kauai

Grandpa!....

Son and daughter-in-law produced and directed the latest addition to the family line Sunday afternoon. A baby girl who has yet to be named. I'll brain them if they name her Duchess!

A Royal Pain...

The winter rains have finally taken a break only to be replaced with early summer.

It’s only 08:00am and it’s already mid-70’s when I opened the door to a blast of heat in my 3^rd grade classroom. The heater is on full and the temperature must have been charging past 80F.

This should be a simple enough situation to deal with. I’ll just switch it off and leave the door open or switch it to A/C till class starts. I discover that there are NO controls on the thermostat! No off switch, no temperature adjustment knob, nothing!

I called the office asking how I turn off the heater and she told me that a technician has to do it and will be sent out.

With the door propped open, I begin the search for my detailed lesson plan.

There isn’t one. Damn! Suckered again!

There ARE two notes from another sub that had this class Tuesday and Wednesday. Her notes seemed to indicate she encountered the same situation but forged ahead listing the assignments and homework SHE had them do. This sub is obviously a seasoned, experienced ex-teacher who knows what to do on a “no-plan” day.

Unfortunately, I’m still too raw and inexperienced to duplicate the process. I NEED crib notes! Had this been indicated on the sub caller’s “additional info”, I would probably have passed on this class.

I DID find a teacher “general plan” for the month that indicated a spelling test and a math work sheet scheduled for today. Nothing else was marked on the plan for today. I added “silent reading” and “journal writing” fill out a pretty sparse day.

The kids arrive and promptly notify me that I have “something” on my back. In attempting to figure out what I had backed into, another kid points and says, “It’s on the front of your shirt too!”

I’m sweating through my shirt at 08:30am. Damn that heater! When’s that tech coming!

As if on cue, the guy arrives and plugs his laptop computer into a data port on the bottom of the high tech thermostat to turn the heater off and the A/C on.

“Isn’t that a little overly complicated for a simple thermostat control?” I ask. He looks at me and comments “Yep...” as he exits out the door.

During attendance I come to the name “Duchess” (this is a public blog so this is not her actual “parent should be shot” name but a close enough equivalent). She’s the cute blond hair, blue eyed, freckled faced kid standing on her chair furiously waving her hand announcing “HERE!” in response.

I can already tell it’s gonna be one of those days.

I go through the “HOMEWORK” rule even though I already know it’s a bluff. This is the last day of a short week and with a minimal lesson plan, I can’t fault the kids for this one.

Duchess is coloring her nails with crayons.

The morning goes pretty good. Silent reading and journal writing is going well.

Duchess can’t seem to find a book to read and she seems to have “lost” her journal.

I grab a random book from the class library and sit with her to see if she can’t or won’t do the work. She effortlessly reads the two whole pages I selected at random so I know it’s not “can’t”.

I spend 50% of the rest of my time till the first recess just trying to get her to stay in one place and at least pretend to write a journal entry on note paper.

After recess we spend time on the spelling test.

Duchess can’t seem to remember the word to be spelled at any given moment. Pencil broke, needs another. Got a new pencil but lost her spelling paper.

Math assignment is pretty much the same. While most of the rest of the kids can read the board for the page numbers in the math book, Duchess doesn’t seem to know what page she’s supposed to do. When I point to the board, she can’t seem to find her math book. When I hand her the book from the pile of books on her desk, her pencil is broken again.

The rest of the day ends pretty much the same.

The hard life of a royal pain…

You Never Know What You’re Gonna Get...

To paraphrase Forrest Gump, “A Class is like a box of Choc-lits. You never know what you’re gonna git.”

I was called at 10:30am for this assignment today!

This was a half day assignment starting at 11:15am. I arrived at the office to discover that six more subs were on their way for the afternoon. Some kind of teachers meeting scheduled for the rest of the afternoon. Didn’t this used to happen after school or at the tail end of the short day?

Oh, well! I arrived at the classroom during that last part of a well behaved pre-algebra math class. Students quietly checking their work while taking turns doing problems on the overhead.

The teacher stays while I review the afternoon lesson plan.

It’s going to be a pretty simple and straightforward afternoon. Lunch, silent reading, finish up with a science lesson on earthquakes and dismiss. The teacher exits the room.

…and the class PAR-TAY erupts!

WHOA! I’ve never seen such a quick transition. I get them quiet enough to describe the extra “HOMEWORK” essay procedure that I hadn’t expected to use today but evidentially needed.

In the next two and half hours of class, not including lunch time, they had amassed “HOMEWOR-“. In addition, I had four names on the board including one girl with three check marks next to her name.

Let’s go back to 1^st grade…

Classroom Medicinal Cure-All...

I finally got a class of 1^st graders after an extended holiday. The office said that seven teachers were out for the day at a seminar.

This school is one built during the “new age” when the open classroom was the new “in” thing in classroom design. This, unfortunately, allowed me and the kids in my class to periodically glance out across the common corridor into the other 1^st grade class being handled by another sub-for-the-day.

Judging from all the yelling, kids wrestling on the floor and a lot of general loud commotion going on over there, I got the luck of the draw with my generally polite group of 18 kids.

Things were so bad over there that I saw the sub send his kids off to lunch 5 minutes early. This frustrated my kids because they knew that they had the same lunch hour. It took a lot of convincing that they were NOT late for lunch.

One of the nice things about the internet is the wealth of information and advice available from “those who have gone before”.

I’m still gullible, but learning, when a kid has medical complaints from a “bumped elbow” to “suspected Ebola”, so my usual response was to write a slip and sent them to the health office.

I started to learn from the “resolution comments” from the office at various schools that I needed to be more selective on which cases I sent down.

So, when I was faced with the only minor medical situation I had to deal with today, I was prepared to handle a case of “my eye feels itchy” with the universal classroom medicinal cure-all.

A wet paper towel…

It was from another teacher blog where I learned about it. A wet paper towel, reportedly, should cure about 90% of all kid in classroom ailments. (Thanks Jinny!)

After a 10 minute application, the kid was well enough to be goofing around when he should have been working.

Cured!...

Still No Calls...

Well, we’ve reached mid week after the holiday and still no sub calls.

Instead, I spent the day online trading my loser dud mutual funds and replacing them with some high risk oil tanker stocks that seem to be promising some eye popping dividends.

Yahoo sent me a Baskin Robbins coupon for a free ice cream cone.

So with the trading done and the sun finally out, I bought a $3 lunch off the dollar menu at Wendy’s and topped it off with some ice cream for dessert.

Tomorrow, I’ll undoubtedly discover the oil tankers sank, my cholesterol level hit a new high and the “free” cone actually cost me $2 in gas to drive down there and back.

I think I’ll call the sub line now to see if anything is available for tomorrow…

I Had A Dream...

The schools have been back in session this week, but evidentially all the teachers are well rested because there have been no calls.

No, the title of this post isn’t to imply a continuation of Black History month. No memorable speech to be archived in the history books.

But I’ve been having this recurring dream the last couple of nights.

I’m evidentially in a college classroom. I’m apparently a student. I don’t know how I got there or what I’m doing there. Worse, I have no idea what the class is about.

I see classmates passing homework to the end of the rows. I look at some of the papers going passed. They look like “charts” of some kind.

Of course, I don’t have any homework to turn in and the instructor is asking me if I care to complete mine before the end of class.

All I can do is stare at the instructor, who I don’t recognize, and wonder “What’s he talking about?”

I think I’ve seen this same expression on the faces of some of the students I’ve subbed!

I remember some dreams in I had in school where I realized I hadn’t shown up for a class all year just before the final. I’ve heard other people tell of dreams where they showed up for class naked.

Freaky how the subconscious works.

Well, at least I’m not naked in this one…

No Calls Before The Holiday...

All the district schools are off next week for President’s Day Holiday and, evidentially, there were no calls on this last day of school. Unless something interesting happens, I’ll take this next week off from the blog as well.

Good Night!

An Audio Lesson Plan...

The call this morning was from a school in my favored district (ie: pays more). Ok, this looks likes a winner assignment!

That was until the automated system got to the additional voice message info from the teacher.

“…Oh, Hi! I got really sick and dizzy last night, so I don’t have a lesson plan for you. The office will have a “default plan” you can work from.

The kids need to split for math group today with two other classes. They should know what they are supposed to do. ( I key in on the word “SHOULD” ). Just ask one of the other teachers what lesson they should be doing today.

In the back off the room under the brown cabinet, is where I have all the overhead overlays for all the vocabulary. See if you can find the ones ………”

This goes on for a few more minutes of her telling me where stuff is in the room, which teachers I’m supposed to talk to, what to do if I run out of stuff.

Of course, I’m NOT writing ANY of this down because I’m staring out the window at all the rain pounding down in the back yard while having flashbacks back to that rainy day in October.

I casually click the “do not accept” option and hang up.

One hour later and another call later, I’m off to a 4^th grade class that doesn’t promise doom before I get there.

P.S. Good plans, good kids. Worth the $10/day cut in pay.

Meow Isn’t a Sentence?...

Still borderline with the flu bug in spite of the five calls for assignments this morning. I’ll probably be “ok” for work tomorrow. No personal, in class blog post today.

Instead, one of my wife’s friends told her of this exchange between her grandson and his Kindergarten teacher this week.

The activity was to draw a picture and use the word “me” in a simple sentence.

The teacher reviewed Aiden’s work that pictured a cat with the word “Meow” in carefully printed letters.

Kteach: Aiden, where is your sentence with the word “me”?

Aiden: Right there! “ME-OW”

Kteach: But Aiden, “meow” is not a complete sentence.

Aiden: It is to the cat!

Score: Aiden 1, Kteach 0…

Guess Who Evidentially Didn’t Wipe Good Enough…

I wasn’t looking forward to working today. I suspected there might be a high probability of a class party for Valentines Day and I didn’t want a repeat of the Kindergarten Christmas party last Dec.

As it turned out, I needn’t have been concerned. I came down with some kind of bug yesterday and couldn’t have gone in anyway.

I guess I didn’t wipe good enough on Friday.

(That last sentence sounds pretty odd out of context…)

Very Late Call…

I got the call at 11:00am for this 6^th grade class. The teacher was coming down with the flu and couldn’t finish the day. The office handed me a handful of alcohol wipes with the advice to wipe everything down including the phone and anything she might have touched in the classroom.

All I had to do was give the science test after lunch and send them out for P.E. as the last period of the day. It was a pretty easy end to a pretty bad week.

Is anyone else out there?

As far as I know there is only one other person who frequently reads this blog. I know because Gary will phone me if I haven't updated it after he knows I've been at school.

So if there is anyone else out there, please use the comment link below this post to give me an idea how large/small my regular audience is/isn't.

Alias's and Anonymous comments to protect the guilty accepted.

Took The Day Off…

I turned down three calls today and went to the park this afternoon to read instead.

Maybe tomorrow…

The Letter…

This has not been a good week for me. This blog entry will be presented in reverse order starting with a letter I received after class from one 5th grade girl.

Transcribed, verbatim, un-edited for grammar and spelling but parenthesis comments added for clarification.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Dear Mr. Perry.

I am sorry for the behaveor of this class. I am not happy about the essay but the class does disurve it some with Mrs. K (the principal of the school) coming. I not proud of breaking the record (fastest ever class to get extra HOMEWORK) but I am happy that it was my class because in the beging it was ok because summer just ended but now there is no exuse it is getting out of control. I haven’t learned alot this year because it so loud and hard to hear the teacher. I understand if you never come back to subsitute but I am very happy you subsituted today because this class needs a strikt teacher. I just wanted to tell you to exuse my class but it is ok to be the meanest you can ever be! I am so sorry L (she had penciled in a frowny face). Wish me luck on my 500 or more essay.

your I guess Sub Student,

LP (name edited to initials)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------“

-- 02:30 pm--

Principal gives a very intense lecture for the next 10 minutes. She has heard from other students and teachers in the school about the essay. She’s not impressed with the essay subject but asks me if I would object to changing it from a class wide assignment to just these seven boys. I agree.

She instructs the boys to write it down and tells them that the essay is not due on Monday as indicated, but due tomorrow morning. It’s also supposed to be delivered to her office where she promised to count each and every word.

“ANY QUESTIONS!!!”

One of the fearless lads says, “Can I have my GameBoy back now?”

I thought Mrs. “K” was going to pop a vein right then and there.

“You brought a WHAT to my school? Well, now it’s mine until your parents want to come pick it up!”

-- 02:17pm --

“Lost” behavior report is magically discovered at the bottom of the trash can.

Mrs. “K” scans the report and calls out seven boys to remain in class while the rest are excused from class to wait outside for the final bell.

-- 02:15 pm --

Principal visits the class. She apologizes to me. She launches into an awe inspiring lecture on classroom behavior, embarrassing the school. She demands to see the “behavior log”.

It seems that today’s log is missing from the clip board.

Mrs “K”. blows her top! She tells them that she and Mr. Perry are going to step outside for 2 minutes and that log had better be returned!

-- 02:00 pm –

I have physically upset kids.

One girl asks to address the class. She pleads for everyone to be good. The boys are laughing at her. I quietly tell her, it isn’t working and it isn’t her fault. She abruptly bolts for the door and vomits on the black top. A second girl is crying hysterically. I send them both with an escort to the health office.

I call the principal, Mrs “K”, for help.

-- 01:40 pm –

As the day goes on, the number of words for the essay rises.

300 – 325 – 350 – 375 – 400 – 450 – 500!

-- 12:30 pm --

Awarded the final “K” to “HOMEWORK”.

This is BEFORE their 12:45pm LUNCH TIME! This is a new record. The final K isn’t supposed to be reached until sometime near the end of the day.

So far, I’ve confiscated a “GameBoy” from one kid during a math assessment test, eight rulers that have had the metal straight edge removed to be made into metal wire sculpture, several comic books being used in a tug-o-war and one plastic dog pooh.

-- 10:40 am --

Recess.

Several of the girls are outside the room starting their essays. I ask them if they are sure that’s necessary at this point in time. I remind them that the essay is only necessary if we get all the way to the final “K” and that they should go play instead.

Response: “Oh yea, we’re gonna get it. No doubt!”

-- 10:30 am --

We are up to “HOME----“ and we haven’t gotten to the first recess yet.

I list on the board:

Extra homework is a 300 word creative writing essay on: “If I Were a Super Hero, My Powers Would be…”

I give them until Monday to turn it in. The regular teacher should surely be back by then?

-- 08:25am --

Meet the kids. The kids tell me that I’m the third sub in a row this week.

No returning subs. Interesting.

Once again we start the day explaining about the “HOMEWORK” and let them know that achieving this goal will get them an extra essay assignment for homework.

So far, I’ve never actually had to issue it to a class. Got real close a few times, but the kids usually hold out.

One of the girls asks if she can keep the “behavior log” sheet for the day. She tells me all I have to do is tell her the names to add and the infraction. This is evidentially the usual practice in this class.

I’m thinking that this request doesn’t bode well.

The Scary Lady…

I was called to be a “roving sub” for the day at this school. Since I hadn’t done that before, I thought I’d try it. When I got to the school, they changed it on me and gave me a 6^th grade class for the day. That’s ok. I’ve had my share of 6^th graders before. No problem.

Boy was I wrong.

This wasn’t the nosiest class I’ve had but it comes close. The basic problem was that I never had a constant core group of kids for this class. As soon as role was taken, all but six for language arts (LA) remained to be replaced with kids from the two other 6^th grade classes.

When that section was over, it was another mix for math, and finally the “homeroom” mix for the balance of the day.

At one point, a teacher came into the class and lambasted them for the disrespect and noise they were exhibiting. She really tore into them and laid on the guilt telling them that their poor tired teacher that just had her baby had called her earlier that morning and was worried about her class and was hoping that they were behaving themselves. She went on and on for about 15mins. and the kids were wide eyed and riveted in their seats. Not a peep.

This teacher was amazing. I didn’t know teachers were still allowed to talk like that to kids anymore with all the PC, self esteem, new age theory, and parental lawsuits against anyone who dares “instruct” kids on the proper way to behave.

She was really, really scary! It was really memorable!

…But in a good way!!!

P.S. The kids went back to their old ways about 10 minutes after she left. We must be producing a thicker skinned, shorter termed memory breed of kids these days.

Wise Ass Syndrome (WAS)...

I thought I was gonna get the day off today, but a call at 09:00am for a 4^th grade class came in. Seems the sub assigned to replace the teacher today got sick in class and couldn’t continue. So today, I’m the 3^rd stringer coming in off the bench.

Lot’s of boys in this class and about four of them I could do without.

In addition to the four clowns, there was a boy that I found out later was said to be diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome (HAF). He was actually one of the better behaved kids.

Since I hadn’t heard of this before, I got on the internet after class and found this description: http://www.aspergerssyndrome.net/aspergers%20syndrome.htm

Looking for a clue about the other four, I didn’t find anything listed under “Wise Ass Syndrome” (WAS).

I Don’t Speak British…

Last minute morning call to this 6^th grade class. The teacher’s daughter evidentially was sent home sick for the day so the lesson plan she left me contained lots of nothing to do and a lot of time to do it in. On top of that several of the kids were coughing and sneezing. Occupational hazard, I guess.

So when this kid sneezed, I said "gesundheit".

Kid: “What?”

Me: “It means good health. Some people say that when they hear someone sneeze.”

Kid: (puzzled look…)

Me: “Do you know what language that is?”

Kid: “British?”

Me: (incredulous look…)

Me: “In what country is British spoken?” (Looking for England as an answer…)

Kid: “Briton?”

Me: “And where is Briton?”

Kid: “I donno.”

Another Kid: “England! Dope!”

Kid: “Oh, yea!”

Me: “And what language do they speak in England?”

Kid: (silence…)

The other kid again: “They speak English in England. That’s why it’s called English!”

Kid: “Oh, right!”

It’s going to be a really, really long day…

Nothin' Goin' On...

After re-reading some of these blog entries, I realized that someone might get the impression that this job rarely has a “good” day. It just makes for more interesting reading if I can report on something out of the ordinary to write about.

Unfortunately, this 3rd grade class had nothing unusual, stressful, or funny happen so…..it makes for a pretty boring entry.

If they were all like this, I wouldn’t have anything to write about. Would I?

Boy, Am I Tired…

I didn’t accept any assignments Wednesday through Friday last week because Claudette was ill and wanted me home. So I had a five day “vacation” from teaching before going into Kindergarten today.

Kindergarten has fewer kids (16) to deal with and even an hour less class time than the upper grades. I can’t figure out how these kids tire me out so fast but they do! They’re not bad kids, just loopy! Not quite into the “classroom” routine that upper graders are expected to follow.

In the last five minutes of the day, this class is expected to clean their desks. So I figure, “Ok, a damp paper towel to the table tops isn’t a bad thing”.

Next thing I know there are kids with glopping piles of sopping wet paper towels! Add to that a bottle of liquid soap and the tables are literally foaming up the place! The topper is that the in classroom toilet is stopped up! With what, is anybody’s guess!

I finally snatched all the soap bottles away and had them get dry towels to work on the tables and chairs. What a mess in such a short time!

The tables and chairs, hopefully, should be completely dry by tomorrow. I wasn’t even going to attempt to mess with the toilet. I left a note instead.

I need another five day vacation.

Is It A Bad Sign…

Is it a bad sign when …The Office secretary hints that this 4^th grade classes can be a “handful”?

Is it a bad sign when …The a 4^th grade teacher I met in the office indicated that all the 4^th grade classes at this school are the same “handful”?

Is it a bad sign when …Lesson plan for my class has separate sheet devoted to discipline and has asterisks denoted as disruptive next to six of the 35 student names?

Is it a bad sign when …Principal says don’t smile, be tough?

Is it a bad sign when …Principal personally gives you his direct extension number to call if there are any problems?

Is it a bad sign when …Principal drops in half way through the day?

Is it a bad sign when …yet a different 4^th grade teacher tells you horror stories about sub experiences with her 4^th graders?

I decided to do both “HOMEWORK” and the “JOB GAME” with these guys. They started off pretty good. They responded every time I tapped the white board marker in the area I had reserved for the word “HOMEWORK”. We made it to the first recess with only an “H_”.

These kids switch rooms for math. I ended up with a mix of mine and some from the two other 4^th grade classes. This required me to set up a separate “HOMEWORK” threat for just the math class. I had “my kids” fill in the newcomers on how it worked. This didn’t work as well on a combined one lesson class.

An hour later the “math class” had accumulated “HOMEWOR_” before the class ended. Of course this is when the principal decided to pay us a visit “just to see how things were going...” Luckily, only one kid wasn’t where he was supposed to be and the class was generally doing what they were supposed to be doing. After math, the classes switched back to the normal mix. The returning students noted the progress the math class had made to “HOMEWORK” and wanted to know details. I didn’t give them any.

As in the previous classes I subbed, these guys were enthusiastic about the “JOB GAME” in which they had posted guesses. One guess was: “always was a substitute teacher”.

I reminded them that the price for revealing the final answer was continued good behavior. They had about 28 guesses posted and most of the students seemed to be leaning toward “retired principal”.

By the end of the last working period, the class had inched up to tie the math class at “HOMEWOR_”. We had something like 5 mins until P.E. followed by class dismissal. The class was really starting to get wound up and getting loud as I had erased all but the final two job guesses in preparation for the finale.

After about four attempts to get them settled and ready to go out for P.E., I gave up and sent them out without revealing the answer. They were all disappointed but also relieved that I didn’t give them the final “K”.

I heard later from the 4^th grade teacher next door that the sub she had last week didn’t do as well as she heard about students standing on desks throwing stuff back and forth across the room. She indicated that this group of 4^th graders has been like this since Kindergarten as they moved up through the grades.

She suggested that if I’m subbing next year, I might want to avoid any 5^th grade assignments at this school.

I’ll probably forget by then………..

3rd Grade “Community”…

This assignment was for a “community” (teachers description) of two third grade classes (50 kids). It is team taught by two teachers. I was subbing for one of them. Pretty easy assignment as I let the other teacher dictate what she wanted me to handle.

My first assignment was the “low readers”. I had about 10 kids of which Aarron was one. I initially thought Aarron was just a class clown by the way he seemed determined to disrupt the group trying to get laughs. Then things got ugly when I attempted to get him to cooperate and get into the swing of the lesson.

Next thing I know, he’s on the ground under his desk bouncing the desk on his feet saying “I don’t care, you can’t do anything to me”

The kid’s right. I can’t physically get him to do anything except let my team member in on what happening. The next think I know, the principal arrived and hauled him out of class to be sent home. The teacher said this is normal for Aarron. He has family and emotional “issues”.

The class ends with a weekly class meeting where all the 3^rd grade “community” gets together to hear about “praises” and “issues”. The kids start by complimenting each other about how they are grateful to others for “being nice”, “playing together”, “and being helpful”, etc.

They then gravitate to the “issues” side where they address complaints generated during the previous week. If a kid can remember a slight during the previous week, the issue gets resolved by the following formulated conflict resolution script:

Victim: “(BadGuy’s name), are you ready to hear my issue?”

BadGuy: “(Victim’s name), I’m ready to hear your issue”

Victim: “I feel mad when you (offending action) at (offending action location)”

BadGuy: “I hear you when you said I made you mad when I (offending action) at (offending action location)”

After about a couple dozen of these exchanges I wonder just what this accomplishes. I can see it now 30 years in the future.

U.N.: “Terrorist, are you ready to hear my issue?”

Terrorist: “HA, HA, HA!!! SPEAK UNBELIEVER!”

U.N.: “I feel mad when you blow up innocent people all over the world”

Terrorist: “HA, HA, HA!!!, I hear you stooge of the Great Satan. DIE! DIE! DIE! ”

Just wondering…..

English Grammar One More Time…

After reading last Thursday’s blog entry some people, mainly my wife and daughter, have offered to teach me about the difference and proper use of transitive, intransitive and sundry other English verb forms.

I thought I should give it one more try. So……….

From: http://www.unisanet.unisa.edu.au/07118/grammar.htm#t

Transitive versus Intransitive Verbs.

Not as difficult as some people think. A transitive verb takes a direct object: it shows action upon someone or blah blah something. Intransitive verbs take no direct object; they need only a blah blah subject to make blah a sentence Some transitive verbs: Hit blah zz (you have to hit something or someone; you can't just hit); climb (you don't just climb; you climb something); and bring (bring what?). Intransitive verbs: sleep zzz (you don't sleep something; you just sleep); and fall (you can fall down the stairs, but zzzz you don't fall the stairs) There are a few things zzz worth noticing. First, just because something grammatically needs a direct object doesn't mean we actually use it. If someone said, I swung zzzzz the bat and hit, we zzzzzz don't have to ask what he hit; the direct object ball is understood Second, many intransitives might blah blah zzzzzzz look like transitives, as in She walked three hours. Here blah three hours is not really a direct object; it doesn't say what she walked, but how long (it's actually an adverbial phrase) zzzzzzz Third, many verbs can be both transitive and intransitive: though ran in the paragraph above is intransitive, the blah blah same word is zzzzzzzzz transitive blah blah blah in He ran the program for zzzzzzzz two years. Children can play catch, or they can just play. Even sleep, given above as an intransitive, could become blah blah blah blah transitive if we said He slept the sleep blah blah of the zzzzzzzz righteous. The blah blah only real blah blah danger is when blah blah you start zzzzzzzzzzz changing verbs willy-nilly: "We blah blah have to think blah blah quality" (giving blah blah blah blah the intransitive blah blah think a blah blah direct blah blah object); "I blah blah hope blah blah you blah blah enjoy" blah blah (instead blah blah of blah blah enjoy blah blah it). Zzzzz.. .zzz... zzz… zzzzzz… zzzzz…zzzz… zzzzzz… zzzzz… zzzz… zzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz…

Nope. Didn’t work….

Bone Head…

Everything was going hunky dory with this 6^th grade until we got to the English grammar lesson.

Now I have to explain at this point that the technical nomenclature of English grammar was never my strong suite.

To qualify for graduation, I had to take “bone head” English grammar in college……..twice!

Diagramming and labeling the parts of a sentence beyond noun, verb and object still makes my eyes cloud over and the brain go numb.

Today’s detailed lesson plan instructed me to teach a section of English grammar to these 6^th graders. The “teachers” cheat sheet on this subject indicated exactly how I should instruct the kids, what examples I should write on the board and even what sentence parts to underline and label.

Piece of cake……I can DO this!

So, I launch into the lesson explaining (reading verbatim) the difference and nuances of transitive and intransitive verbs, being and linking verbs, predicate nouns and adjectives to these eager young minds.

I write the suggested example sentences on the board and carefully underline and label the pesky verbs with their proper labels as indicated.

I then hand out individual work sheets to the class so they can dive right in locating and labeling verbs in sixty odd sentences on their own.

Then I wait.

For next three minutes I’m thinking, “I just might get away clean here”.

Then I see two, and then three and then even more heads turn to one another. Whispered questions start to circulate the class. “I don’t get it, do you?”, “uh, uh, nope”, “I’m lost!”

After about ten minutes, most of the heads and hands are up making the same plaintive cry. “Uh, Mr Perry? We need some help with this.”

Now I’M stuck. I DID review the lesson/work sheets during my 40min lunch trying desperately to see if I could understand this stuff before I gave it to the kids. I didn’t succeed.

So… at this point, I did the only thing I could think of.

Confess!

I told the students that, truthfully, I didn’t understand this stuff when I was in school either and obviously I still didn’t. I told them that they didn’t have to do the assigned homework and that I’d leave a note for their teacher to re-do the lesson when she came back tomorrow.

We ALL breathed a collective sigh of relief with this solution.

I haven’t heard back from the teacher yet…….

Five Year Old Develops Teleportation Technology….

Since the job assignments from the two nearest districts seemed to have fallen off since the first of the year, I accepted this south county Kindergarten assignment of 18 kids.

This is only the fourth time I’ve subbed in this district since I started last Sept.

The usual assignment reporting time is 30 minutes before the students are supposed to show up. This, supposedly, gives the substitute teacher time to get situated with the room and go over the lesson plan before the kids show up.

So I was surprised that at my assigned 07:15am arrival time that the lesson plans stated “The kids will wander in from 07:20am until about 07:30"! And sure enough, before I had my coat off, the first two munchkins came stomping in the door. No prep time today!

One of the “big deal” activities of Kindergarten is “sharing day”. So it was no surprise when Rebecca walked in announcing that she had brought in a trophy and a 3” diameter silver medal on a red, white and blue ribbon to share.

After she shared her awards for dance with the class, I suggested she put the trophy and medal in her cubby box so it wouldn’t get broken during class. After some protesting, she complied and the class resumed.

A short while later, while reading them a story, I look over to see that Rebecca and another kid aren’t listening but are having a “tug-o-war” with something.

It’s the trophy! I never saw when/how she had retrieved it from her cubby.

I took it and placed it on the teacher’s desk and told her that she could have it at the end of the day.

Some Kinders can REALLY give you some evil looks.

A short while later during another assignment, I look over and there is a red, white and blue ribbon streaming out both sides of Rebecca’s mouth. In response to my inquiry, Rebecca extracts the big, now slimy, silver medal from her mouth to announce that “My Mother said I have to keep it with me ALL DAY!”

Again, I had missed when she had gotten up to get the medal from her cubby. I assure her that it’s “ok” and I’ll keep it safe with the trophy.

Lifting the medal from her by the ribbon end, I placed it with the trophy on the teacher’s desk. I periodically check the rest of the period to make sure they haven’t disappeared.

We make it to lunch time when I send the kids off to eat. Rebecca exits the class sans medal and trophy.

I finish my lunch return to the class in time to greet “my returning kids” from lunch recess.

Rebecca walks in carrying the trophy AND wearing the medal around her neck!

My only explanation, at this point, is that NASA should recruit this kid for future assignment because apparently she has developed the Star Trek equivalent of a transporter machine!

...Either that or I’m getting too old and slow for these kids.

Yawn.....

Two weeks into the New Year and I've had just 1.5 days of subbing work. This just ain't going to pay the bills...

Wakey, Wakey! Time To Start A New Day!….

The one thing about this job that I really hate is the early morning call.

I’m not talking about a luxurious 6:30am wakeup call.

It was this morning's jarring call at 05:30am that shattered my sleepy time and had me fumbling for the phone to hear about an assignment for this morning’s class of bi-lingual third graders that started at 08:10am.

I take down the information about the school and class location and try, without success, to get another hour of sleep before getting up at a half way decent hour.

After returning home from class, I found out that the other school district, that pays a little better, attempted to call me twice that morning after I had already gone. One automated call and once personally by the office manager looking for someone to fill an assignment.

I’m beginning to suspect that the REALLY early morning call by the first district is a tactic similar to a preemptive strike to snag all available needed subs before the other districts can start filling their jobs.

It’s only a matter of time before the “losing districts” catch on and re-trigger their sub line to start calling EVEN EARLIER.

Will I even hear the phone ringing at 03:30am?

I hope not…….

Rainy Day Insecurities….

This call came late morning for 1^st grade class at a local school I hadn’t been to before. This is also my first working school day of the New Year and the pouring rain meant the kids were not going to have much recess time today.

The 1^st grade teacher evidentially got sick just before the kids arrived for class. As a result, the prepared lesson plan was of “minimal” content.

Most of the plan consisted of “Catch up” activity. Meaning “Do the stuff you didn’t have time to complete on Mon-Thurs. Problem is that these 6 year olds didn’t have all that much to catch up on.

Plan item for 11:00pm listed “Do Yellow Folder”.

I asked some of the kids if they had a yellow folder. Sure enough, they all did and proudly displayed for me their completely empty yellow folders.

I love it when a well detailed “plan” comes together!

A noon time announcement confirmed that the lunch time recess was cancelled and that the kids were to return to their class rooms after eating. I inquired at the office how long I had for the shortened lunch period before the kids returned to the classroom.

She assured me that the roving yard duty people would monitor the kids in class while I had my full 40 minute lunch in the staff lounge. I’m thinking “Three or four yard duty people looking in on 8-10 individual classrooms? How does that work? Hummmm”

Of course, on the way back to class after lunch, three of “my kids” came running out the door saying they were looking all over for me “For a long, long time!” One of the kids in the class was bawling his eyes out sobbing “We thought you weren’t coming back for us!”

A short questioning revealed that no “yard duty” person came to stay with “my kids”. They spent the last 20 minutes unsupervised in the classroom wondering if I had abandoned them.

At least they were happy to see me again! They COULD have been groaning with disappointment for showing up the rest of the day.

It took a few minutes to get them settled and the water works turned off so we could return to a class routine.

Next time I’ll know better than to ignore my gut feeling.

Feast or Famine….

The schools have been back in session a week now and there have been no calls from any of the districts for subbing. I guess it would be bad form for teachers to call in sick the first week after a two week vacation. ;)