You Never Know What You’re Gonna Get...

To paraphrase Forrest Gump, “A Class is like a box of Choc-lits. You never know what you’re gonna git.”

I was called at 10:30am for this assignment today!

This was a half day assignment starting at 11:15am. I arrived at the office to discover that six more subs were on their way for the afternoon. Some kind of teachers meeting scheduled for the rest of the afternoon. Didn’t this used to happen after school or at the tail end of the short day?

Oh, well! I arrived at the classroom during that last part of a well behaved pre-algebra math class. Students quietly checking their work while taking turns doing problems on the overhead.

The teacher stays while I review the afternoon lesson plan.

It’s going to be a pretty simple and straightforward afternoon. Lunch, silent reading, finish up with a science lesson on earthquakes and dismiss. The teacher exits the room.

…and the class PAR-TAY erupts!

WHOA! I’ve never seen such a quick transition. I get them quiet enough to describe the extra “HOMEWORK” essay procedure that I hadn’t expected to use today but evidentially needed.

In the next two and half hours of class, not including lunch time, they had amassed “HOMEWOR-“. In addition, I had four names on the board including one girl with three check marks next to her name.

Let’s go back to 1^st grade…

Classroom Medicinal Cure-All...

I finally got a class of 1^st graders after an extended holiday. The office said that seven teachers were out for the day at a seminar.

This school is one built during the “new age” when the open classroom was the new “in” thing in classroom design. This, unfortunately, allowed me and the kids in my class to periodically glance out across the common corridor into the other 1^st grade class being handled by another sub-for-the-day.

Judging from all the yelling, kids wrestling on the floor and a lot of general loud commotion going on over there, I got the luck of the draw with my generally polite group of 18 kids.

Things were so bad over there that I saw the sub send his kids off to lunch 5 minutes early. This frustrated my kids because they knew that they had the same lunch hour. It took a lot of convincing that they were NOT late for lunch.

One of the nice things about the internet is the wealth of information and advice available from “those who have gone before”.

I’m still gullible, but learning, when a kid has medical complaints from a “bumped elbow” to “suspected Ebola”, so my usual response was to write a slip and sent them to the health office.

I started to learn from the “resolution comments” from the office at various schools that I needed to be more selective on which cases I sent down.

So, when I was faced with the only minor medical situation I had to deal with today, I was prepared to handle a case of “my eye feels itchy” with the universal classroom medicinal cure-all.

A wet paper towel…

It was from another teacher blog where I learned about it. A wet paper towel, reportedly, should cure about 90% of all kid in classroom ailments. (Thanks Jinny!)

After a 10 minute application, the kid was well enough to be goofing around when he should have been working.

Cured!...

Still No Calls...

Well, we’ve reached mid week after the holiday and still no sub calls.

Instead, I spent the day online trading my loser dud mutual funds and replacing them with some high risk oil tanker stocks that seem to be promising some eye popping dividends.

Yahoo sent me a Baskin Robbins coupon for a free ice cream cone.

So with the trading done and the sun finally out, I bought a $3 lunch off the dollar menu at Wendy’s and topped it off with some ice cream for dessert.

Tomorrow, I’ll undoubtedly discover the oil tankers sank, my cholesterol level hit a new high and the “free” cone actually cost me $2 in gas to drive down there and back.

I think I’ll call the sub line now to see if anything is available for tomorrow…

I Had A Dream...

The schools have been back in session this week, but evidentially all the teachers are well rested because there have been no calls.

No, the title of this post isn’t to imply a continuation of Black History month. No memorable speech to be archived in the history books.

But I’ve been having this recurring dream the last couple of nights.

I’m evidentially in a college classroom. I’m apparently a student. I don’t know how I got there or what I’m doing there. Worse, I have no idea what the class is about.

I see classmates passing homework to the end of the rows. I look at some of the papers going passed. They look like “charts” of some kind.

Of course, I don’t have any homework to turn in and the instructor is asking me if I care to complete mine before the end of class.

All I can do is stare at the instructor, who I don’t recognize, and wonder “What’s he talking about?”

I think I’ve seen this same expression on the faces of some of the students I’ve subbed!

I remember some dreams in I had in school where I realized I hadn’t shown up for a class all year just before the final. I’ve heard other people tell of dreams where they showed up for class naked.

Freaky how the subconscious works.

Well, at least I’m not naked in this one…

No Calls Before The Holiday...

All the district schools are off next week for President’s Day Holiday and, evidentially, there were no calls on this last day of school. Unless something interesting happens, I’ll take this next week off from the blog as well.

Good Night!

An Audio Lesson Plan...

The call this morning was from a school in my favored district (ie: pays more). Ok, this looks likes a winner assignment!

That was until the automated system got to the additional voice message info from the teacher.

“…Oh, Hi! I got really sick and dizzy last night, so I don’t have a lesson plan for you. The office will have a “default plan” you can work from.

The kids need to split for math group today with two other classes. They should know what they are supposed to do. ( I key in on the word “SHOULD” ). Just ask one of the other teachers what lesson they should be doing today.

In the back off the room under the brown cabinet, is where I have all the overhead overlays for all the vocabulary. See if you can find the ones ………”

This goes on for a few more minutes of her telling me where stuff is in the room, which teachers I’m supposed to talk to, what to do if I run out of stuff.

Of course, I’m NOT writing ANY of this down because I’m staring out the window at all the rain pounding down in the back yard while having flashbacks back to that rainy day in October.

I casually click the “do not accept” option and hang up.

One hour later and another call later, I’m off to a 4^th grade class that doesn’t promise doom before I get there.

P.S. Good plans, good kids. Worth the $10/day cut in pay.

Meow Isn’t a Sentence?...

Still borderline with the flu bug in spite of the five calls for assignments this morning. I’ll probably be “ok” for work tomorrow. No personal, in class blog post today.

Instead, one of my wife’s friends told her of this exchange between her grandson and his Kindergarten teacher this week.

The activity was to draw a picture and use the word “me” in a simple sentence.

The teacher reviewed Aiden’s work that pictured a cat with the word “Meow” in carefully printed letters.

Kteach: Aiden, where is your sentence with the word “me”?

Aiden: Right there! “ME-OW”

Kteach: But Aiden, “meow” is not a complete sentence.

Aiden: It is to the cat!

Score: Aiden 1, Kteach 0…

Guess Who Evidentially Didn’t Wipe Good Enough…

I wasn’t looking forward to working today. I suspected there might be a high probability of a class party for Valentines Day and I didn’t want a repeat of the Kindergarten Christmas party last Dec.

As it turned out, I needn’t have been concerned. I came down with some kind of bug yesterday and couldn’t have gone in anyway.

I guess I didn’t wipe good enough on Friday.

(That last sentence sounds pretty odd out of context…)

Very Late Call…

I got the call at 11:00am for this 6^th grade class. The teacher was coming down with the flu and couldn’t finish the day. The office handed me a handful of alcohol wipes with the advice to wipe everything down including the phone and anything she might have touched in the classroom.

All I had to do was give the science test after lunch and send them out for P.E. as the last period of the day. It was a pretty easy end to a pretty bad week.

Is anyone else out there?

As far as I know there is only one other person who frequently reads this blog. I know because Gary will phone me if I haven't updated it after he knows I've been at school.

So if there is anyone else out there, please use the comment link below this post to give me an idea how large/small my regular audience is/isn't.

Alias's and Anonymous comments to protect the guilty accepted.

Took The Day Off…

I turned down three calls today and went to the park this afternoon to read instead.

Maybe tomorrow…

The Letter…

This has not been a good week for me. This blog entry will be presented in reverse order starting with a letter I received after class from one 5th grade girl.

Transcribed, verbatim, un-edited for grammar and spelling but parenthesis comments added for clarification.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Dear Mr. Perry.

I am sorry for the behaveor of this class. I am not happy about the essay but the class does disurve it some with Mrs. K (the principal of the school) coming. I not proud of breaking the record (fastest ever class to get extra HOMEWORK) but I am happy that it was my class because in the beging it was ok because summer just ended but now there is no exuse it is getting out of control. I haven’t learned alot this year because it so loud and hard to hear the teacher. I understand if you never come back to subsitute but I am very happy you subsituted today because this class needs a strikt teacher. I just wanted to tell you to exuse my class but it is ok to be the meanest you can ever be! I am so sorry L (she had penciled in a frowny face). Wish me luck on my 500 or more essay.

your I guess Sub Student,

LP (name edited to initials)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------“

-- 02:30 pm--

Principal gives a very intense lecture for the next 10 minutes. She has heard from other students and teachers in the school about the essay. She’s not impressed with the essay subject but asks me if I would object to changing it from a class wide assignment to just these seven boys. I agree.

She instructs the boys to write it down and tells them that the essay is not due on Monday as indicated, but due tomorrow morning. It’s also supposed to be delivered to her office where she promised to count each and every word.

“ANY QUESTIONS!!!”

One of the fearless lads says, “Can I have my GameBoy back now?”

I thought Mrs. “K” was going to pop a vein right then and there.

“You brought a WHAT to my school? Well, now it’s mine until your parents want to come pick it up!”

-- 02:17pm --

“Lost” behavior report is magically discovered at the bottom of the trash can.

Mrs. “K” scans the report and calls out seven boys to remain in class while the rest are excused from class to wait outside for the final bell.

-- 02:15 pm --

Principal visits the class. She apologizes to me. She launches into an awe inspiring lecture on classroom behavior, embarrassing the school. She demands to see the “behavior log”.

It seems that today’s log is missing from the clip board.

Mrs “K”. blows her top! She tells them that she and Mr. Perry are going to step outside for 2 minutes and that log had better be returned!

-- 02:00 pm –

I have physically upset kids.

One girl asks to address the class. She pleads for everyone to be good. The boys are laughing at her. I quietly tell her, it isn’t working and it isn’t her fault. She abruptly bolts for the door and vomits on the black top. A second girl is crying hysterically. I send them both with an escort to the health office.

I call the principal, Mrs “K”, for help.

-- 01:40 pm –

As the day goes on, the number of words for the essay rises.

300 – 325 – 350 – 375 – 400 – 450 – 500!

-- 12:30 pm --

Awarded the final “K” to “HOMEWORK”.

This is BEFORE their 12:45pm LUNCH TIME! This is a new record. The final K isn’t supposed to be reached until sometime near the end of the day.

So far, I’ve confiscated a “GameBoy” from one kid during a math assessment test, eight rulers that have had the metal straight edge removed to be made into metal wire sculpture, several comic books being used in a tug-o-war and one plastic dog pooh.

-- 10:40 am --

Recess.

Several of the girls are outside the room starting their essays. I ask them if they are sure that’s necessary at this point in time. I remind them that the essay is only necessary if we get all the way to the final “K” and that they should go play instead.

Response: “Oh yea, we’re gonna get it. No doubt!”

-- 10:30 am --

We are up to “HOME----“ and we haven’t gotten to the first recess yet.

I list on the board:

Extra homework is a 300 word creative writing essay on: “If I Were a Super Hero, My Powers Would be…”

I give them until Monday to turn it in. The regular teacher should surely be back by then?

-- 08:25am --

Meet the kids. The kids tell me that I’m the third sub in a row this week.

No returning subs. Interesting.

Once again we start the day explaining about the “HOMEWORK” and let them know that achieving this goal will get them an extra essay assignment for homework.

So far, I’ve never actually had to issue it to a class. Got real close a few times, but the kids usually hold out.

One of the girls asks if she can keep the “behavior log” sheet for the day. She tells me all I have to do is tell her the names to add and the infraction. This is evidentially the usual practice in this class.

I’m thinking that this request doesn’t bode well.

The Scary Lady…

I was called to be a “roving sub” for the day at this school. Since I hadn’t done that before, I thought I’d try it. When I got to the school, they changed it on me and gave me a 6^th grade class for the day. That’s ok. I’ve had my share of 6^th graders before. No problem.

Boy was I wrong.

This wasn’t the nosiest class I’ve had but it comes close. The basic problem was that I never had a constant core group of kids for this class. As soon as role was taken, all but six for language arts (LA) remained to be replaced with kids from the two other 6^th grade classes.

When that section was over, it was another mix for math, and finally the “homeroom” mix for the balance of the day.

At one point, a teacher came into the class and lambasted them for the disrespect and noise they were exhibiting. She really tore into them and laid on the guilt telling them that their poor tired teacher that just had her baby had called her earlier that morning and was worried about her class and was hoping that they were behaving themselves. She went on and on for about 15mins. and the kids were wide eyed and riveted in their seats. Not a peep.

This teacher was amazing. I didn’t know teachers were still allowed to talk like that to kids anymore with all the PC, self esteem, new age theory, and parental lawsuits against anyone who dares “instruct” kids on the proper way to behave.

She was really, really scary! It was really memorable!

…But in a good way!!!

P.S. The kids went back to their old ways about 10 minutes after she left. We must be producing a thicker skinned, shorter termed memory breed of kids these days.

Wise Ass Syndrome (WAS)...

I thought I was gonna get the day off today, but a call at 09:00am for a 4^th grade class came in. Seems the sub assigned to replace the teacher today got sick in class and couldn’t continue. So today, I’m the 3^rd stringer coming in off the bench.

Lot’s of boys in this class and about four of them I could do without.

In addition to the four clowns, there was a boy that I found out later was said to be diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome (HAF). He was actually one of the better behaved kids.

Since I hadn’t heard of this before, I got on the internet after class and found this description: http://www.aspergerssyndrome.net/aspergers%20syndrome.htm

Looking for a clue about the other four, I didn’t find anything listed under “Wise Ass Syndrome” (WAS).

I Don’t Speak British…

Last minute morning call to this 6^th grade class. The teacher’s daughter evidentially was sent home sick for the day so the lesson plan she left me contained lots of nothing to do and a lot of time to do it in. On top of that several of the kids were coughing and sneezing. Occupational hazard, I guess.

So when this kid sneezed, I said "gesundheit".

Kid: “What?”

Me: “It means good health. Some people say that when they hear someone sneeze.”

Kid: (puzzled look…)

Me: “Do you know what language that is?”

Kid: “British?”

Me: (incredulous look…)

Me: “In what country is British spoken?” (Looking for England as an answer…)

Kid: “Briton?”

Me: “And where is Briton?”

Kid: “I donno.”

Another Kid: “England! Dope!”

Kid: “Oh, yea!”

Me: “And what language do they speak in England?”

Kid: (silence…)

The other kid again: “They speak English in England. That’s why it’s called English!”

Kid: “Oh, right!”

It’s going to be a really, really long day…

Nothin' Goin' On...

After re-reading some of these blog entries, I realized that someone might get the impression that this job rarely has a “good” day. It just makes for more interesting reading if I can report on something out of the ordinary to write about.

Unfortunately, this 3rd grade class had nothing unusual, stressful, or funny happen so…..it makes for a pretty boring entry.

If they were all like this, I wouldn’t have anything to write about. Would I?

Boy, Am I Tired…

I didn’t accept any assignments Wednesday through Friday last week because Claudette was ill and wanted me home. So I had a five day “vacation” from teaching before going into Kindergarten today.

Kindergarten has fewer kids (16) to deal with and even an hour less class time than the upper grades. I can’t figure out how these kids tire me out so fast but they do! They’re not bad kids, just loopy! Not quite into the “classroom” routine that upper graders are expected to follow.

In the last five minutes of the day, this class is expected to clean their desks. So I figure, “Ok, a damp paper towel to the table tops isn’t a bad thing”.

Next thing I know there are kids with glopping piles of sopping wet paper towels! Add to that a bottle of liquid soap and the tables are literally foaming up the place! The topper is that the in classroom toilet is stopped up! With what, is anybody’s guess!

I finally snatched all the soap bottles away and had them get dry towels to work on the tables and chairs. What a mess in such a short time!

The tables and chairs, hopefully, should be completely dry by tomorrow. I wasn’t even going to attempt to mess with the toilet. I left a note instead.

I need another five day vacation.

Is It A Bad Sign…

Is it a bad sign when …The Office secretary hints that this 4^th grade classes can be a “handful”?

Is it a bad sign when …The a 4^th grade teacher I met in the office indicated that all the 4^th grade classes at this school are the same “handful”?

Is it a bad sign when …Lesson plan for my class has separate sheet devoted to discipline and has asterisks denoted as disruptive next to six of the 35 student names?

Is it a bad sign when …Principal says don’t smile, be tough?

Is it a bad sign when …Principal personally gives you his direct extension number to call if there are any problems?

Is it a bad sign when …Principal drops in half way through the day?

Is it a bad sign when …yet a different 4^th grade teacher tells you horror stories about sub experiences with her 4^th graders?

I decided to do both “HOMEWORK” and the “JOB GAME” with these guys. They started off pretty good. They responded every time I tapped the white board marker in the area I had reserved for the word “HOMEWORK”. We made it to the first recess with only an “H_”.

These kids switch rooms for math. I ended up with a mix of mine and some from the two other 4^th grade classes. This required me to set up a separate “HOMEWORK” threat for just the math class. I had “my kids” fill in the newcomers on how it worked. This didn’t work as well on a combined one lesson class.

An hour later the “math class” had accumulated “HOMEWOR_” before the class ended. Of course this is when the principal decided to pay us a visit “just to see how things were going...” Luckily, only one kid wasn’t where he was supposed to be and the class was generally doing what they were supposed to be doing. After math, the classes switched back to the normal mix. The returning students noted the progress the math class had made to “HOMEWORK” and wanted to know details. I didn’t give them any.

As in the previous classes I subbed, these guys were enthusiastic about the “JOB GAME” in which they had posted guesses. One guess was: “always was a substitute teacher”.

I reminded them that the price for revealing the final answer was continued good behavior. They had about 28 guesses posted and most of the students seemed to be leaning toward “retired principal”.

By the end of the last working period, the class had inched up to tie the math class at “HOMEWOR_”. We had something like 5 mins until P.E. followed by class dismissal. The class was really starting to get wound up and getting loud as I had erased all but the final two job guesses in preparation for the finale.

After about four attempts to get them settled and ready to go out for P.E., I gave up and sent them out without revealing the answer. They were all disappointed but also relieved that I didn’t give them the final “K”.

I heard later from the 4^th grade teacher next door that the sub she had last week didn’t do as well as she heard about students standing on desks throwing stuff back and forth across the room. She indicated that this group of 4^th graders has been like this since Kindergarten as they moved up through the grades.

She suggested that if I’m subbing next year, I might want to avoid any 5^th grade assignments at this school.

I’ll probably forget by then………..

3rd Grade “Community”…

This assignment was for a “community” (teachers description) of two third grade classes (50 kids). It is team taught by two teachers. I was subbing for one of them. Pretty easy assignment as I let the other teacher dictate what she wanted me to handle.

My first assignment was the “low readers”. I had about 10 kids of which Aarron was one. I initially thought Aarron was just a class clown by the way he seemed determined to disrupt the group trying to get laughs. Then things got ugly when I attempted to get him to cooperate and get into the swing of the lesson.

Next thing I know, he’s on the ground under his desk bouncing the desk on his feet saying “I don’t care, you can’t do anything to me”

The kid’s right. I can’t physically get him to do anything except let my team member in on what happening. The next think I know, the principal arrived and hauled him out of class to be sent home. The teacher said this is normal for Aarron. He has family and emotional “issues”.

The class ends with a weekly class meeting where all the 3^rd grade “community” gets together to hear about “praises” and “issues”. The kids start by complimenting each other about how they are grateful to others for “being nice”, “playing together”, “and being helpful”, etc.

They then gravitate to the “issues” side where they address complaints generated during the previous week. If a kid can remember a slight during the previous week, the issue gets resolved by the following formulated conflict resolution script:

Victim: “(BadGuy’s name), are you ready to hear my issue?”

BadGuy: “(Victim’s name), I’m ready to hear your issue”

Victim: “I feel mad when you (offending action) at (offending action location)”

BadGuy: “I hear you when you said I made you mad when I (offending action) at (offending action location)”

After about a couple dozen of these exchanges I wonder just what this accomplishes. I can see it now 30 years in the future.

U.N.: “Terrorist, are you ready to hear my issue?”

Terrorist: “HA, HA, HA!!! SPEAK UNBELIEVER!”

U.N.: “I feel mad when you blow up innocent people all over the world”

Terrorist: “HA, HA, HA!!!, I hear you stooge of the Great Satan. DIE! DIE! DIE! ”

Just wondering…..

English Grammar One More Time…

After reading last Thursday’s blog entry some people, mainly my wife and daughter, have offered to teach me about the difference and proper use of transitive, intransitive and sundry other English verb forms.

I thought I should give it one more try. So……….

From: http://www.unisanet.unisa.edu.au/07118/grammar.htm#t

Transitive versus Intransitive Verbs.

Not as difficult as some people think. A transitive verb takes a direct object: it shows action upon someone or blah blah something. Intransitive verbs take no direct object; they need only a blah blah subject to make blah a sentence Some transitive verbs: Hit blah zz (you have to hit something or someone; you can't just hit); climb (you don't just climb; you climb something); and bring (bring what?). Intransitive verbs: sleep zzz (you don't sleep something; you just sleep); and fall (you can fall down the stairs, but zzzz you don't fall the stairs) There are a few things zzz worth noticing. First, just because something grammatically needs a direct object doesn't mean we actually use it. If someone said, I swung zzzzz the bat and hit, we zzzzzz don't have to ask what he hit; the direct object ball is understood Second, many intransitives might blah blah zzzzzzz look like transitives, as in She walked three hours. Here blah three hours is not really a direct object; it doesn't say what she walked, but how long (it's actually an adverbial phrase) zzzzzzz Third, many verbs can be both transitive and intransitive: though ran in the paragraph above is intransitive, the blah blah same word is zzzzzzzzz transitive blah blah blah in He ran the program for zzzzzzzz two years. Children can play catch, or they can just play. Even sleep, given above as an intransitive, could become blah blah blah blah transitive if we said He slept the sleep blah blah of the zzzzzzzz righteous. The blah blah only real blah blah danger is when blah blah you start zzzzzzzzzzz changing verbs willy-nilly: "We blah blah have to think blah blah quality" (giving blah blah blah blah the intransitive blah blah think a blah blah direct blah blah object); "I blah blah hope blah blah you blah blah enjoy" blah blah (instead blah blah of blah blah enjoy blah blah it). Zzzzz.. .zzz... zzz… zzzzzz… zzzzz…zzzz… zzzzzz… zzzzz… zzzz… zzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz… zzzz…

Nope. Didn’t work….

Bone Head…

Everything was going hunky dory with this 6^th grade until we got to the English grammar lesson.

Now I have to explain at this point that the technical nomenclature of English grammar was never my strong suite.

To qualify for graduation, I had to take “bone head” English grammar in college……..twice!

Diagramming and labeling the parts of a sentence beyond noun, verb and object still makes my eyes cloud over and the brain go numb.

Today’s detailed lesson plan instructed me to teach a section of English grammar to these 6^th graders. The “teachers” cheat sheet on this subject indicated exactly how I should instruct the kids, what examples I should write on the board and even what sentence parts to underline and label.

Piece of cake……I can DO this!

So, I launch into the lesson explaining (reading verbatim) the difference and nuances of transitive and intransitive verbs, being and linking verbs, predicate nouns and adjectives to these eager young minds.

I write the suggested example sentences on the board and carefully underline and label the pesky verbs with their proper labels as indicated.

I then hand out individual work sheets to the class so they can dive right in locating and labeling verbs in sixty odd sentences on their own.

Then I wait.

For next three minutes I’m thinking, “I just might get away clean here”.

Then I see two, and then three and then even more heads turn to one another. Whispered questions start to circulate the class. “I don’t get it, do you?”, “uh, uh, nope”, “I’m lost!”

After about ten minutes, most of the heads and hands are up making the same plaintive cry. “Uh, Mr Perry? We need some help with this.”

Now I’M stuck. I DID review the lesson/work sheets during my 40min lunch trying desperately to see if I could understand this stuff before I gave it to the kids. I didn’t succeed.

So… at this point, I did the only thing I could think of.

Confess!

I told the students that, truthfully, I didn’t understand this stuff when I was in school either and obviously I still didn’t. I told them that they didn’t have to do the assigned homework and that I’d leave a note for their teacher to re-do the lesson when she came back tomorrow.

We ALL breathed a collective sigh of relief with this solution.

I haven’t heard back from the teacher yet…….

Five Year Old Develops Teleportation Technology….

Since the job assignments from the two nearest districts seemed to have fallen off since the first of the year, I accepted this south county Kindergarten assignment of 18 kids.

This is only the fourth time I’ve subbed in this district since I started last Sept.

The usual assignment reporting time is 30 minutes before the students are supposed to show up. This, supposedly, gives the substitute teacher time to get situated with the room and go over the lesson plan before the kids show up.

So I was surprised that at my assigned 07:15am arrival time that the lesson plans stated “The kids will wander in from 07:20am until about 07:30"! And sure enough, before I had my coat off, the first two munchkins came stomping in the door. No prep time today!

One of the “big deal” activities of Kindergarten is “sharing day”. So it was no surprise when Rebecca walked in announcing that she had brought in a trophy and a 3” diameter silver medal on a red, white and blue ribbon to share.

After she shared her awards for dance with the class, I suggested she put the trophy and medal in her cubby box so it wouldn’t get broken during class. After some protesting, she complied and the class resumed.

A short while later, while reading them a story, I look over to see that Rebecca and another kid aren’t listening but are having a “tug-o-war” with something.

It’s the trophy! I never saw when/how she had retrieved it from her cubby.

I took it and placed it on the teacher’s desk and told her that she could have it at the end of the day.

Some Kinders can REALLY give you some evil looks.

A short while later during another assignment, I look over and there is a red, white and blue ribbon streaming out both sides of Rebecca’s mouth. In response to my inquiry, Rebecca extracts the big, now slimy, silver medal from her mouth to announce that “My Mother said I have to keep it with me ALL DAY!”

Again, I had missed when she had gotten up to get the medal from her cubby. I assure her that it’s “ok” and I’ll keep it safe with the trophy.

Lifting the medal from her by the ribbon end, I placed it with the trophy on the teacher’s desk. I periodically check the rest of the period to make sure they haven’t disappeared.

We make it to lunch time when I send the kids off to eat. Rebecca exits the class sans medal and trophy.

I finish my lunch return to the class in time to greet “my returning kids” from lunch recess.

Rebecca walks in carrying the trophy AND wearing the medal around her neck!

My only explanation, at this point, is that NASA should recruit this kid for future assignment because apparently she has developed the Star Trek equivalent of a transporter machine!

...Either that or I’m getting too old and slow for these kids.

Yawn.....

Two weeks into the New Year and I've had just 1.5 days of subbing work. This just ain't going to pay the bills...

Wakey, Wakey! Time To Start A New Day!….

The one thing about this job that I really hate is the early morning call.

I’m not talking about a luxurious 6:30am wakeup call.

It was this morning's jarring call at 05:30am that shattered my sleepy time and had me fumbling for the phone to hear about an assignment for this morning’s class of bi-lingual third graders that started at 08:10am.

I take down the information about the school and class location and try, without success, to get another hour of sleep before getting up at a half way decent hour.

After returning home from class, I found out that the other school district, that pays a little better, attempted to call me twice that morning after I had already gone. One automated call and once personally by the office manager looking for someone to fill an assignment.

I’m beginning to suspect that the REALLY early morning call by the first district is a tactic similar to a preemptive strike to snag all available needed subs before the other districts can start filling their jobs.

It’s only a matter of time before the “losing districts” catch on and re-trigger their sub line to start calling EVEN EARLIER.

Will I even hear the phone ringing at 03:30am?

I hope not…….

Rainy Day Insecurities….

This call came late morning for 1^st grade class at a local school I hadn’t been to before. This is also my first working school day of the New Year and the pouring rain meant the kids were not going to have much recess time today.

The 1^st grade teacher evidentially got sick just before the kids arrived for class. As a result, the prepared lesson plan was of “minimal” content.

Most of the plan consisted of “Catch up” activity. Meaning “Do the stuff you didn’t have time to complete on Mon-Thurs. Problem is that these 6 year olds didn’t have all that much to catch up on.

Plan item for 11:00pm listed “Do Yellow Folder”.

I asked some of the kids if they had a yellow folder. Sure enough, they all did and proudly displayed for me their completely empty yellow folders.

I love it when a well detailed “plan” comes together!

A noon time announcement confirmed that the lunch time recess was cancelled and that the kids were to return to their class rooms after eating. I inquired at the office how long I had for the shortened lunch period before the kids returned to the classroom.

She assured me that the roving yard duty people would monitor the kids in class while I had my full 40 minute lunch in the staff lounge. I’m thinking “Three or four yard duty people looking in on 8-10 individual classrooms? How does that work? Hummmm”

Of course, on the way back to class after lunch, three of “my kids” came running out the door saying they were looking all over for me “For a long, long time!” One of the kids in the class was bawling his eyes out sobbing “We thought you weren’t coming back for us!”

A short questioning revealed that no “yard duty” person came to stay with “my kids”. They spent the last 20 minutes unsupervised in the classroom wondering if I had abandoned them.

At least they were happy to see me again! They COULD have been groaning with disappointment for showing up the rest of the day.

It took a few minutes to get them settled and the water works turned off so we could return to a class routine.

Next time I’ll know better than to ignore my gut feeling.

Feast or Famine….

The schools have been back in session a week now and there have been no calls from any of the districts for subbing. I guess it would be bad form for teachers to call in sick the first week after a two week vacation. ;)

After This I Deserve Two Weeks Off…..

This should have been a day off.

I figured that all the teachers would have wanted to say goodbye to their kids on the final day before the Christmas break and I was all set to sleep in and take this Friday off. That was until the phone jarred me awake at 06:30am.

The job was a Kindergarten class and I agreed to take it as I thought it should be a short easy day. There are usually two teachers or at least a parent helper for Kindergarten classes. There might be a little holiday party and/or an early dismissal.

The first thing the office told me when I got there was to wash my hands often as there was some kind of stomach bug going around the school.

The lesson plan indicated the kids were supposed to give a morning performance in the cafeteria, art project after lunch and an afternoon party. This was going to be a full day class and there are no other partner Kinder teachers or parent helpers signed up to help.

So much for my grand assumptions.

At the bell, I gathered my 18 little kinders and march them off to their classroom. All the kids were hyped up. Last day of school, their parents were gonna come hear them sing, they were promised a party, etc, etc, etc.

So I wasn’t surprised to see four of the boys hit the classroom and begin rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically. I had heard about “rollers” but this was my first encounter with any. I got them to stop by telling them there would be no party if they didn’t behave.

I had barely completed the attendance sheet when I was called to bring them down for their performance in the cafeteria. The person in charge told me where to stage them and asked where their teacher Mrs. “G“ was. Told her I didn’t know what her ailment was and I didn’t know just what they were supposed to do here. Fortunately one of the other Kindergarten teachers stepped up and said she’d lead them in their song. That was more than fine by me since I don’t do no singing stuff.

After the performance I took them back to class and handed out the planned art project. All they really wanted to do was the party as they all kept asking about it.

One tough cookie seemed to delight in kicking her table mate. I moved her to another desk to work only to find that she returned to continue making herself a pest. She would also sneak out the door to the bathroom without telling me.

Telling her that she had to ask first and go with another girl fell on deaf ears. This turned out to be an all day process trying to keep her in class and not tormenting the rest of the class.

After lunch, they were supposed to quietly watch a movie while I set up their party.

Instead I had to deal with a kid’s bloody nose (Thanks to whom ever suggested that I carry disposable plastic gloves on this job), while “tough cookie” continued tormenting some of her girl classmates.

Where oh where are some of those camera toting parents I saw at the performance this morning? No where! That’s where!

After I got the bleeder squared away and the video going, I located the party supplies which consisted of two gallons of apple juice, a bag chips and forty sugar cookies. Great idea! Add lots of sugar to an already hyped up group of 5 year olds.

I put out only one cookie per kid and turned the rest of them into the office at the end of the day for “disposal”. They pretty much finished off all the chips and juice and several announced that this was “The best’est party” they ever had.

They must have some really dull parties….

The teacher had presents for each kid and I handed them out as they left the room for the day. I held “tough cookie’s” gift for last and had a conversation about behaving in class, not hitting other kids, asking for permission to leave the classroom to go potty and doing what the teacher says.

I don’t think it made a dent as the kid continually interrupted with “but I want my present now….”; “Can I get my present now?….”; “I’m supposed to have my present now….”, “Gimme my present…”

I finally gave up and sent her off with the rest of her class.

After handing them off to their parents, I asked another teacher about “tough cookie”. She indicated that all the teachers knew all about her and my experience was no different than Mrs. “G”s.

I can’t imagine what a class with two or more like this one would be like, but I do know that I’d probably not want to experience it.

I’m REALLY going to enjoy these next two weeks off without that early morning call.

Too Much Time!!!

Two days till the end of school for this year and I figure there shouldn’t be much for these kids to do.

This 3rd grade teacher’s lesson plan bared this out.

This was the day they were supposed to complete their mid-year assessment test. I found out from another teacher that this was to go into their permanent record.

I always thought that the accursed “permanent record” threat was a myth! Now I know…

Lesson plan for Thursday…

Allotted 01:15:00 test time for mid-year assessment test. – Kids finished it in about 30 minutes.

Allotted 01:00:00 Writing – You gotta be kidding. Way too much for 3rd graders.

Allotted 00:45:00 SSR – Again, you gotta be kidding. Way too much for sustained reading.

Allotted 01:00:00 Math – Kids finished off these 20 questions in less than 30 minutes

And then ….00: 30:00 of “whatever…” - End of the day of “Do what you want. PE, games, etc

The only activity I would have liked more time for was………..Lunch!

I let them play several rounds of a game that the kids assured me was a quiet activity. I had different kids run the “Thumbs Up 7-UP” game, because I thought it would be interesting to see how they react when given a leadership role.

--OR--

…. Maybe it was because I don’t know the rules or how to play the game.

No HOMEWORK??

I arrived at this school only to see “No Homework Week” posted on the board in this 6th grade class. This was obviously going to be a problem for my classroom discipline technique. I couldn’t very well threaten them with extra homework in a “no homework” week, now could I?

So I reverted to the guess the sub’s previous job title exercise.

We had a few new innovative guesses like: Ice Cream Dude and Mr. Clean guy (This only makes sense if you know I’m bald)

Once again, the technique worked like a charm. They were great kids and the only real noisy outburst was at the end of class when I revealed the “final answer”.

The teacher next door came in a few minutes after class wanting to know what happened in our class at the end of the day.

I just told her that they were happy that school was out.

Art Class…..

This was the shortest sub job yet. I was called to the country club school at 11:30am and met with the GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) art teacher.

I was supposed to teach one class art for an hour while she went to the dentist. She assured me that I didn’t have to know how to draw. That’s good because I couldn’t draw a crooked line in an earthquake!

She gives me the quick nickel tour and all the handouts I need and then tells me: “Ok, you do the next 4th grade class for an hour and you’re done! Have fun!!” as she exits to make her dentist appointment.

The teacher then introduced me to the kids and went to her desk to do “stuff” for the next hour.

Things were progressing pretty well. The kids were drawing the “human form”, “a flag on a flag pole” and a “cartoon guy peeking out of a hole in the ground” all according to the instructional handouts. Every once in a while a kid would walk up to show me his work.

Obviously some students have more talent than others, but I made positive comments about all of them. So when one kid came up with a picture of what looked like a space cat from a Japanese comic book, I told him “it was very very good, but it wasn’t one of the drawings we were supposed to practice. Can I see one of those?”

The kid got this horrified look on his face, ran over to the trash can, crumpled up his drawing, tossed it in, went to the corner of the room and refused to speak to me.

I must have had a panicked look on my face because the teacher motioned to me that she’d take care of it and for me to continue.

The teacher later told me that the kid was autistic and did not react very well to ANY kind of negative or perceived criticism.

Thanks for the heads up warning……too late.

K through 6th....

Thursday I was subbing the 6th grade class in a school I hadn’t been to before.
Friday I was back at the country club school doing Kindergarten.

Talk about transitions and similarities!

Both days were spent trying to keep control of the class.
Both days spent part of the time watching a video!
Both days, the students were supposed to write something based on what they saw in the video.

Some students from both classes produced the exact same amount of zero work even with prompting.

Friday, I had to stoop DOWN to get eye level with one little guy to find out why he was crying (..I didn’t call on him to be one of the three people allowed in the playhouse).

Thursday, I had to look UP at about 10% of these pre-teen monsters.

There’s usually at least one “character” in each class that requires more attention than the rest. This 6th grade class had three.

We had the mustachioed Latino wannabe gang banger. He has a special desk wedged between the teacher’s desk in the corner and a short wall which isolates him from the rest of the class. And he’s proud of it. He’s evidentially an instigator of disruptive behavior.

Then we have Jabba the Hut boss man who, evidentially, decided that he wanted his desk in the front corner of the room with his own special “captains’ chair” so he could look out over the rest of the class. I could never get a good reason why the teacher would allow this, but I’m only in-n-out here for the day.

Lastly, we have the “lawyer”.

My explanation of the “HOMEWORK” process was interrogated by a series of possible loopholes that might apply:

“What if the final bell rings during writing of the final “K. Does that count”?
“Can I get the entire class extra homework by mouthing off?”
“If we get to the “K”, can we negotiate additional letters like an “S”?
“I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for you to give us extra homework.”
“How much would the extra homework, if given, count toward our final grade?”
“Is our teacher Ms. S going to make sure we even did it?”
“Are you going to be here tomorrow if Ms. S is still sick?”
…and on…and on….and on...

This guy sounded a lot like sweathog “Vinnie Barbarino” from the old show “Welcome Back Kotter”
http://www.tvtome.com/tvtome/servlet/ShowMainServlet/showid-937

Compare this to Friday’s kinder kids quietly doing their artistic interpretation of Van Gogh’s painting Starry Night. http://www.vangoghgallery.com/painting/p_0612.htm

One more week then two weeks off!!!

Herding Cats…..

Just when I think that I’m starting to know how to handle classroom kids, along comes this group of 1st graders. Maybe it was the rainy day, the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, the Christmas season, the phase of the moon or maybe it was me. Who knows?

The “HOMEWORK” trick didn’t work this time. As soon as I got them to quiet down, the commotion level started up again.

It was a continual procession of requests for drinks of water, bathroom breaks and so many defective pencils that somehow could not remain sharpened for 3 minutes at a time that I lost count.

Turn your back for one second and they’d sneak out to the common area to search their backpacks for snacks and water or out the back door to the playground heading for the alternate bathroom.

It was like trying to herd 19 very active cats. (If you’ve tried it, you know what I mean.)

It was a VERY tiring day.

I did manage to funnel them through the day’s lesson plan assignments, but it was clear most of them were somewhere else today. I’m not sure what actual learning they accomplished today.

Very Short Day

I was called at 8:45am for this K-1st combo class that started at 08:00am. It was 09:15am by the time I got to the school and into the classroom for what was supposed to be a full day. It was actually a partial half day. The principal of the school was teaching it.

Twenty minutes to finish what they were doing in “math centers”, 20 minute recess, 45 minutes reading them a story followed by coloring worksheet and then lunch/dismissal at 11:30am.

Two hours work for half a days pay. Best hourly rate so far.

I Should Have Seen This One Coming…..

I found out that the teacher for this 4th -5th combo class specifically requested me to sub her class. This is a little odd since I didn’t recognize her name and a check of my logs showed that this is would be the first time I’d be doing her class.

It turns out that I had subbed in the class next door to this one, as mentioned in my Nov-01-2004 blog entry. Quote: “….The last half hour of class was spent mostly trying to keep the noise to be less than the noise in the next classroom of 4-5 combo kids… “

This was the noisy combo class!

I now remember meeting this teacher on my way out after class a month ago. I now recall her saying something like: “I’ll have to have you try my class sometime….”

I forgot all about it!

Her sub plan did say they were a noisy group and that I’d have to stay on task and keep them busy. Wow…….Most of the lesson plans I’ve come across so far say stuff like “It’s a good class, very helpful, shouldn’t be any problems, etc…”

Some of these 5th grade kids that switch classes for Math were in my Nov 1st-2nd class. Evidentially, they were the ones that asked their teacher to have me as their sub! About ten of these kids remembered me from last month.

With the teachers advisory about how “social” (teacher speak for “noisy”) these kids are, I decided to explain the “blue magic marker and HOMEWORK” rule first thing. I told them that the record for the fewest letters accumulated by ANY class I subbed, so far, was only “HO...”

The morning lessons started pretty good. They were all watching whenever I walked toward the white board with the blue marker in hand.

Each time, I’d hear a chorus of SSSSHHHH….’s and the noise level dropped to zero. I’m thinking “this IS going to work!”

By recess, they had only “HOM…” on the board and I felt confidant this was going to be an “ok” day.

After recess, came the MATH assignment. This is when some of the students from the Nov/1 class and this one switch rooms.

This is the hardest part of doing a combo class.

I assigned a test for the 5th graders to start on, while going over the homework for the 4th graders. This, necessarily, required my split attention.

That’s when it happened.

There was a commotion at one of the 5th graders desks. Chairs were knocked over, a girl ran out of the room, and several others were grabbing at books and papers.

I missed whatever had happened.

I went after the girl who was crying in the hallway outside the room and quickly found out that the boy across from her had squirted her with a modified water bottle squirt gun and gotten her, the desk, chairs, floor and a couple of by-standers wet.

I confronted the “squirt-gun” kid. He had a ton of excuses why she started/deserved it. “… during recess,she…last year,she…yesterday.she....etc”

I sent him off to the principles office. He was crying that he didn’t want his parents to find out.

This was the first time I’ve had to send a kid to the office for discipline. I guess it was just a matter of time.

It took quite a while to regain control of the class. We were now up to “HOMEW..” by lunch time.

After lunch we had started on the next assignment when I noticed a kid at the water sink in the back of the room taking a long time for what I thought was a supposed to be a short drink.

I walked over to see that he was running water over both arms that were covered in some sort of red rash and broken skin!

He said it was a “spider bite” he got a few days ago. I’m thinking more like spider monkey bite from the movie “Outbreak” staring Dustin Hoffman!

I sent him off the health office right away with a note. He was back five minutes later, packing up his books saying his parents were on their way to pick him up.

If the next people through that door were wearing a white moon suits and oxygen tanks, I’m outta here for good!

Of course THIS interruption also took a while to regain control of the class.

We were up to “HOMEWOR...” with over 30 minutes to go.

I told the class “Not looking so good at this point in time…” and posted “Do 300 word essay on: Why Our Class Is Noisy” on the white board just below “HOMEWOR…”

I have come to realize that that final “K” is where I will lose all control. As soon as it is awarded, I have no bargaining power to work with. It’s a done deal and there is nothing for the kids to lose from that point on.

So I work that last half hour dramatically threatening the “FINAL LETTER” until the only noise I hear in class is “SSSSSSHHHHHHH” from all the kids every time a voice louder than a whisper is heard.

All except one who is on her knees, hands in mock prayer, silently mouthing the words “Please, please, please…..”

Finally the dismissal bell rings and all that pent up suppressed “socializing” is released in a loud roar.

I’m done for today….. No final “K”.

In Home Recovery Day (IHR)

Maybe it’s the season, the weather or the lunar cycle, but this 1st grade class was mostly about “Keep it quiet and sit down, please”.

These kids seemed to be short on attention span because it was only one or two minute lulls between the noise level hurricanes.

I was dragging by the end of the day.

The other 1st grade teacher came over at the end and told me my class I was subbing for was less rowdy than hers. I can only imagine. She said it seemed to be in all the classes during this time of year.

She said she was taking the day off tomorrow for something called “in service seminar”. I was thinking I should take the day off tomorrow for “in home recovery”. Sounds good!

I went to a Dr’s appt later in the afternoon only to return home to find 8 new messages on the answering machine! All were automated call assignments from the same school about a sub job. The same school I was at today.

I guess I’m not going to get that “IHR” day after all.

At least it's not the same 1st grade class.

HOMEWORK

I had a great day with this 5th grade class. No discipline problems other than getting them quite down a few times.

I have found that the magic marker “HOMEWORK” technique a 6th grade teacher showed me (See the Saturday, October 30, 2004 blog entry) REALLY, REALLY works!

The magic marker tapping on the white board, indicating another letter was close to being appended to the partial word that would eventually spell “HOMEWORK” was more than enough to quell this crowd.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the class next door.

This school was built during the previous “new age” method where teaching in an “open” space without walls was felt to be an enriching environment for learning.

When the schools finally realized that this didn’t work AT ALL, temporary walls were added between the classes, but they left pass-through ways between all four of the classrooms in this pod. This means you can hear the classes on both sides if the other class gets a little rowdy.

Within the first 10 minutes while taking attendance, I heard this teacher next door screeching at her class to settle down and be quite. I had to stop the attendance until she was finished.

I must have had a puzzled look on my face because a kid in the front row said “She always screams like that. Every Day!” The outbursts from next door reoccurred several times during the day.

(Note to self. Find out which class that is and append it to my “Never In My Lifetime Sub List”)

With each teacher tirade next door, the kids in my class would snicker, giggle and laugh.

I would then have to tap the whiteboard with the marker and like magic, my kids would quiet down.

Late in the day when I felt they were ignoring the warning signs, I finally printed the first “H” on the board.

You should have heard the stifled cry’s of dismay.

This was the only letter I had to print for the rest of the day.

See Habble Es Pan Oly – Part Dos….

I got a call for the same bilingual 2nd grade class I had on the 15th.

I figured this would work out “ok” since I had a good experience last time. But, it seems that familiarity breeds “Hey! We know this guy and he isn’t fierce anymore!”

It was almost like a complete different bunch of kids but I knew they weren’t because they remembered my name from the last time.

It was a constant battle to keep the noise level down enough to finish the day.

During the lunch break, some of the other teachers were complaining about how wound up all the kids were the day before the long holiday.

I hope that was the case because I’d hate to see what a third round with these guys would be like.

Maybe, I’ll avoid assignments for this class until I’m desperate for work. This is also reinforcing my reluctance to take on any “long term” sub jobs for any one class.

Clean Sweep….

This was another no-warning bilingual 2nd grade class. Also a very late morning call. Teacher sounded like she was at deaths door when I got there.

My wife is a fan of a show called “Clean Sweep” where the focus of the show is to locate the house with the most accumulated stuff to de-stuff and re-organize it back to a somewhat human habitat.

This teacher’s desk would be a good candidate for this show.

I knew there was a desk under this mountain of papers, books, bags, cans, boxes and everything else because there was an office chair in front of it. The chair hole, if that’s what the space where your legs were supposed to go when sitting at a desk, was filled and overflowing out beyond the desk with more stuff. Piles of more stuff blocked all the desk drawers.

As a sub, I’m encouraged to leave a note letting the teacher know how my day went. I stood there at the end of the day with my note in hand just wondering where on this “Data Stuff Mountain”, I should leave it.

I decided to leave it on the seat of the chair at the bottom the mountain and left the building.

Nine Little Birds on a Wire….

Every once in a while something surprising happens and you just have to applaud. That’s what happened in this Kindergarten class today.

The teacher left me some notes on a few songs on CD the kids like to hear during their class. The kids were getting a little restless during an “art” project so I queued up the songs she had indicated and went back to the “teachers chair” in front of the class.

Some of the kids sang along with the first song and the “fidgets” settled somewhat. The second song had about half the class singing along with the tune while coloring nicely.

The surprise was at the start of the third song about something dealing with “nine little birds on a wire”. One of the littlest girls got up and announced in a loud voice, “Come on girls let’s go!”

I thought they were about to make a break for the door or something.

Instead, six or seven of the little girls all lined up in front of me and began singing and line dancing to the song. They were so small but all arms, legs and hands were all in sync to this very energetic hula like performance. Toward the end, even some of the boys joined in.

I was so surprised and they were so cute, I had to applaud at the end. I was tempted to play the song again just to see it one more time.

Exposed!......

I was the sub for the long term sub for this 1st grade class. Evidentially, there have been a number of sub’s working this class. From the comments I heard from other teachers, I think the long term sub is due to return to short term sub assignments.

During the break, one of the other 1st grade teachers came to the teachers lounge and handed everyone an “Exposure Notice”. Evidentially one of her kids left after an hour into the lessons with a diagnosis of contagious “Hand, Foot and Mouth” disease (coxsackie virus). Great…I guess this is what they mean by occupational hazard.

The name sounds like that scary “mad cow” stuff. While I’m sure this isn’t anything in the same league, I can’t help visualizing 15-20 kids whirling around the classroom, spewing saliva then collapsing in big heap.

Last Minute 4th Grade Assignment

There is nothing of unusal interest to say about this last minute assignment. The kids are kids if a little noisier than some.

This class includes a couple of 9 year old wannabe hard cases probably headed to JUVI in the future. It's still too soon to make that call.
(just my non-expert, one shot experience, personal observation)

Besides, what do I know? These two just might end up politicians or priests for all I know.

As of today, they are just two disruptive elements that make my job twice as hard. I shudder to think what a group of five or more like these kids in one class can do to a substitute teacher.

I’m not at all confident I could handle it.

See Habble Es Pan Oly??

I arrived at this school early Tuesday morning to sub for a 2nd grade class. The office secretary took one look me and said “You DO know this is a bilingual class, right? Do you speak Spanish?”

I said something like: “Ahhh, that would be..No!. That wasn’t indicated under special notes from the teacher”. At the same time I’m thinking “OOOHHHH….SH*T!!!!”

She hesitated a little before saying: “Oh, I’m sure you’ll do fine”. (Did I hear a little chuckle as I left the office?)

I get the room key and head off to the classroom. In the window of the classroom are a few signs that looked like “Welcome to Ms. S’s class”. At least that’s what I thought it said because I CAN’T READ SPANISH!!! NOT A GOOD SIGN HERE!!! “OOOHHHH….DOUBLE SH*T!!!!”

Entering the classroom, I notice that all the signage and posters on the walls around the classroom are “ALL SPANISH!!” I’m feeling overly warm now and my leg starts twitching.

There is a nice older lady writing on a pad at the teachers’ desk and we introduce ourselves. She is the teacher in the room next door. SHE is writing this teachers lesson plan ON THE FLY!!. OMG!! AN ALL SPANISH CLASS AND NO LESSON PLAN!!!. I am in REAL DEEP DOO-DOO HERE! “OOOHHHH….TRIPLE SH*T!!!!”

She asked me if I was bilingual and could read and write Spanish. (I’m about to bolt out the door at this point, but I stick with it.). I guess I look like I’m a mono-lingual type of guy, of which I AM!!

Reacting to my negative response, she starts crossing some things she just wrote on the lesson plan. I guessed she’s revising the schedule to adjust to this Anglo sub sacrifice that’s about to happen.

I pick up the math book that’s open for today’s lesson. All the instructions are in Spanish. I browse the kids “fun” reading books the kids can use during silent reading time. At least half of these are in English, the rest are, of course, in Spanish.

This nice lady teacher from next door then tells me that she and another teacher will drop in when they can to see how it’s going. She then addresses the 22 kids waiting at the door to explain where their regular teacher was, who I was and informs them that I don’t speak any Spanish.

If that bit of news fazed them, it didn’t show.

With a little trepidation we began out day together with a “Good morning, children!” and I get back a chorus of “Good morning, Mr. Perry”’s

What I discover, is, that ALL these 7 yr olds are truly bilingual enough to deal with me in English and can help each other out when I had a few problems communicating with some of the newer kids.

They are really a bunch of great kids! What a surprise!

While, their reading and writing skills aren’t at the usual level of an all English class, their verbal skills are great in both languages.

I did have teacher visitors, and even the principal at one point, check in from time to time. I could honestly tell them that things were going great.

When reading a lesson story to them in English, I’d stop a few times and ask them a few questions to make sure they understood ok. Occasionally, I’d ask how to say some of the things we were reading about, like lizard, turtle and mouse in Spanish. They got a kick out of my remedial Spanish pronunciations.

When I returned the room key to the office, the secretary asked “How did it go?”

With a self-satisfied smug, I told her “Great!”

…and it WAS!

Kindergarten Week

Well this week seems to be ALL Kindergarten. Monday and today in two different districts and got a call for Friday at the country club school for a half day.

With Thursday a holiday, that only leaves tomorrow a mystery as of tonight.

Kids art for me tends more toward the abstract (i.e. let the kids' draw what they want) where as “real” Kindergarten teachers tend more toward the traditional.

If the teachers plan calls for “draw a picture of the student of the week”, I tell’em have at it!! If their student portraits look like green globs of Swiss cheese on toothpicks, who am I to judge? I’m no art critic! I can’t even draw a crooked line!

The “real” Kindergarten teachers, on the other hand, are very “hands on” in their control of art technique.

“Draw an oval for the head, and then add eyes”. “No Billy, the eyes aren’t even. Start over, please”, Tarique, the hair isn’t supposed to be orange. Change it to brown, please”. “No, No, Allie, the trees are supposed to have leaves, go do it right”

What happened to free expression? No self-respecting “painter” would allow this suppression of artist freedom!!!

At least that’s the way our city fathers justified their expenditure of $500,000 for a supposed sculpture of the Aztec Snake God “Queztalcoatl”. It’s constructed of what looks like three huge blobs of black concrete stacked one on top of the other. The locals have nicknamed it the “pile of dinosaur poop” which is exactly what it looks like.

I found this link for your review: Quetzy

I vote to have a real Kindergarten teacher on the art approval commission for any future acquisitions by our fair city!!!!

The Middle Wife

Received in an email

(By an Anonymous second grade teacher)

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness. Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch and stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid was doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."

"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!". This kid has her legs spread and her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell-day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Down and out for the count...

It isn’t that I am short on opportunities to sub these last two days of this week. The phone has been ringing off the hook day and night for all three of the school districts.

I have had a sore throat and a colorful yellow phlegmy cough since Wednesday afternoon. I decided I received enough from the schools this week.

Politics In Kindergarten...

Back to the country club school.

It’s the day after the election and all I heard this morning from the kids in my class was “Kerry, Bush this….”, “Bush, Kerry that…”.

Whooo, Whee. Thank God it’s finally over.

It’s a little disconcerting to hear all this from 5 year olds in the two Kindergarten classes I had, when at least half of them are still struggling to make it all the way through writing the alphabet.

I don’t think I even KNEW there was a president when I was 5 and in Kindergarten!

ADD or Class Clowns?

Assignment: Day 2 of the same 5th Grade

Today went pretty much like yesterday only an hour shorter. Short day on Tuesdays.

The “other” teacher came in after class. Evidentially, two teachers switch off teaching this class. She had just come back from her Mediterranean cruise vacation and was scheduled for tomorrow’s class.

She asked me how I did with the ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) kids. I must have looked a little surprised because I didn’t realize that the same “challenging” students described by the first teacher were also the ADD students indicated by her partner.

Funny. I wouldn’t have labeled any of these kids with what I thought was a serious disorder like ADD.

If this is what ADD is, then I know a few guys that we used to know as “class clowns” that would have qualified.

Challenging ...

Assignment: 5th Grade Frozen District (35 kids)

I got a late morning call for this one. Teacher threw her back out and could hardly stand, but was in the classroom doing the lesson plan for me.

Most of her running conversation for me was about the “challenging” students in the class. Of course they were assigned the front row seats nearest the teacher’s chair.

In case you haven’t guessed, “challenging” isn’t a good thing. I began to wonder just how the teacher threw her back out or had it thrown for her by a “challenging” student.

The last half hour of class was spent mostly trying to keep the noise to be less than the noise in the next classroom of 4-5 combo kids. I figured a tie counts as a win.

The end of day bell rang and I sit back with a sigh of relief and I’m almost outta here!

Except……..

Just as I’m leaving, the office called to say the teacher wouldn’t be in tomorrow either and they wanted me to come back tomorrow. I only agreed if the teacher came back to do a second day lesson plan.

I just hope she’s there tomorrow!.......