A Class On Autopilot!...

EG13-G5

I picked up another two day assignment for a 4th-5th combo class at another school in the same district. No yelling, no goofing around, no nonsense.

This class runs itself. Today’s assignments were already listed on the board for both the 4th and 5th graders and, other than taking the roll, handing out test papers and answering a few questions, I had pretty much had nothing to do.

They didn’t need any instruction on how to do the math, science, reading or writing sections.

They didn’t need me to use the Teacher’s Edition of any of the text books to correct the homework. They self correct it on their own using the TE books. And yes, they do mark the wrong answers as they each watch each other like hawks in case anyone tries to change an answer.

If fact, they didn’t need me to be there at all. This class runs on autopilot!

I asked one of the veteran teachers how this is accomplished. He told me that they specially hand pick only the most trustworthy kids for the combo classes at this school.

Wow what a concept! Works for me!

A Space Makes All The Difference!...

EG15-G5

Today was the second day with the 4th-5th combo class from last Friday. The 4th graders continuing project assignment was to collect and document facts about the ship, Titanic. This class has in room computers that they are allowed to use for research.

So while working with the 5th grade section, I’m distracted by three of the Titanic researchers crowded around one of the computers giggling and shushing each other as to not draw too much attention.

Of course all that draws my attention and I have to go see what they’ve stumbled across. What they found was the site: Titanic in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies. It’s actually a pretty accurate summation of the movie but, as I told them with a stern look, not a good use of the computer time they should be using for finding actual facts for their project.

I thought I had them back on tract until a short time later I see the boys crowded around the computer again.

“I hope that’s not more bunny videos!” I announced loudly as I marched to the back of the room. The kid-in-chair panicked because instead of simply exiting the IE browser to delete the Yahoo search results page, he instead tried to block the data with his hands over the screen.

I made him back away to reveal the search results listing porno sites. Looking in the search window to see what he had used to get so far off topic, I saw the problem right away.

Inadvertent, hopefully, splitting the search word “Titanic” with a space after the second ‘t’ gets you into a whole ‘nother area of sniggling 4th grade boy material.

Don’t Mess With The Guy In The Wheelchair!...

EG15-G5

I picked up a two day assignment for, yet another, 5th grade class for today and Monday. The difference between this class and yesterdays nightmare is like “Night-N-Day”. I’m looking forward to class on Monday.

Anyway, the kids had an assembly about “making the right choices” this morning, given by a guy named Trooper Johnson. He’s captain of the National Wheelchair Basketball Association (NWBA) Golden State Road Warriors.

His story about how he ended up in a chair is pretty compelling and stresses about the dangers of alcohol and its’ affects on making some pretty serious, wrong choices. Part of his presentation involves playing some ole’ B-Ball with kids from the audience.

The kids and teachers had a riot watching this guy in a chair run the ball over, under, around and through the legs of each boy and girl selected from the group.

Then good ole’ Trooper asked the kids if one of the teachers should play. The kids all cheered for one Mr. “I forgot his name already” to get out there and play. Johnson tossed him the ball and I thought that this should be good for a laugh or three.

He promptly passed the ball to the teacher guy next to him complaining about a sore ankle. Then THAT guy looks around and shoots ME the ball claiming that he’s also injured.

Well, I can play that game and turned around looking for someone who’s actually a real teacher at this school only to find the female teachers backing off and no other adult within passing range.

Then my class started yelling “Yea! Mr. Homework, Mr. Homework, Mr. Homework…..”.

The kids NOT in my class started chanting “Yea! Mr. Homer, Mr. Homer, Mr. Homer…” thinking that the kids in my class couldn’t be actually be chanting for someone named “MR. HOMEWORK”.

Johnson is waiting and waving me in, so I threaded my way through the crowd to the court where, in short order, I promptly got my ass handed back to me.

I didn’t think it was the good laugh or three I thought it was gonna be but the kids love it.

Half Day Hell! …

OG7-G5

The title says it all. I’m fortunate it was only a half day assignment in this 5th grade class.

The only time they weren’t shouting continuously was when I bet them they could not be absolutely quiet for a whole minute.

I was right the first seven times they attempted this feat. The average time to failure was 3 to 10 seconds.

They finally achieved success on try number eight where they went silent for 2 minutes and 28 seconds. After that it was a lost cause for the rest of the day.

The teacher said that all the upper grades in the school are the same.

Note to self: Nothing over G3 when accepting future assignments at this school.

The Way Children See Things!...

Great black licorice pulled off two crowns so dentist today instead of school. Found the following floating around the net:

The Way Children See Things!

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

It’s Important To Know How To Tell Time…

OG3-G1

It’s not a good sign when the lesson plan is missing as was the case today for this 1st grade class. Double checked the teacher’s staff box and cruised every inch of the classroom. All I found was a “general lesson plan” containing only subjects with no specifics.

There was also a general schedule on the board that indicated that this class had different arrival times for two sections of the class.

The first half class of “early readers” came in at 08:00am followed by the last half “late readers” at 09:00am. This meant that that there was also a staggered dismissal time (01:25pm and 02:25pm) for the two groups. Beyond that, I had no specific idea what reading, math, writing or spelling lessons I was supposed to do with them. Fortunately, the two neighboring 1st grade teachers, noting the lack of a lesson plan, brought in materials and made copies of worksheets from their classes to work with.

As a topper, for today, it was also picture day in the cafeteria. This was listed on the board for 09:15am. Just enough time to take roll and get them lined up and ready to go.

The thing that’s hard about 1st graders is that most of them still can’t tell time yet. So there is a constant clamor and yank at the shirt sleeves followed by one or more of the following endless litany of questions about the time.

“It’s time for recess now?”

“We’re ‘sposed to get our picture taken today. I think it’s now!”

“I think it’s time for lunch now! Can we go?”

“Are you sure it’s not time for snack? I’m hungry! We get a snack at recess”.

…and so it continues.

The constant reassurance that, I can actually tell what time it really is, goes unheeded. Trying to teach them how to tell time for themselves as indicated on the analog classroom clock is pretty much beyond their comprehension.

When it IS finally picture time, we take a tour around the school looking for the “big tree” on campus where the group picture is to be taken. It seems only the individual pictures are taken in the cafeteria and no one IN the cafeteria actually knows how to direct us to the “group picture tree”.

We locate the “group picture tree” to be told that we’re too early. They sent out a notice last night to reschedule individual class times. Of course without a lesson plan, there is no way for me to know of the change. The photo guy felt sorry for me and let me cut the line after 20mins waiting in the hot sun with 19 squirmy, antsy, loud 1st graders so I could take them back to the cafeteria for individual pictures.

By the time we got all the pictures done, we were already 10 minutes into the 1st recess so I let them loose as they exited the cafeteria. I went back the classroom where I discovered that someone had delivered the missing lesson plan! Finally some luck coming my way. I didn’t care where it was found or who delivered it, only that I had it.

With the lesson plan, there is important information about handing out the homework sheets before the “early reader” group leaves for the day. This is nice to know since the “general plan” had nothing about homework assignments.

Finally after lunch and “back on track” with a plan, we plow on with math, story reading and journal writing when one of the little tykes raises his hand and says: “We’re ‘sposed to go home now”. I look up at the clock and to my shock it is 20 minutes after the hour. The “early reading” group is due to be dismissed in 5 minutes and I haven’t passed out the homework sheets yet!

I get the group to put away their stuff while frantically placing homework assignments at each student desk. With 1 minute to go, homework distributed and back packs packed, I dismissed the “early group” with a sigh of relief and turned my attention to the “late group”.

A few minutes into the “late group” reading, there is a knock at the door and three of the “early” dismissed are back saying their sister/brother/mom isn’t there to pick them up yet.

That’s when I had a bad feeling.

I took another look at the classroom clock and to my horror realized it was 12:25 and not 01:25.

I had just let ten 1st grade kids out of class an hour early.

I rushed outside and rounded up a total of six of the missing. That left four unaccounted for, so I called the office, told them I had read the clock wrong, dismissed some kids early and told them I was missing four from Ms. L’s class. I of course couldn’t give them names right then, since I hadn’t sorted out the names of the six I HAD rounded up.

The office and yard duty people located three of the missing waiting at the bus pick up that wouldn’t be coming for another hour. The 4th missing showed back up at the classroom looking for his jacket he accidentally left. He gave me the evil eye for the next hour for making him stay in class when he thought he should be allowed to leave.

When I think about what bad things could have happened, I realize how lucky I was that nothing did happened this time. After class one of the other 1st grade teachers came by and asked, with a wink, “What time is it?”

My lesson for today: “It’s important to know how to tell time…”

Time To Buy A Lotto Ticket!…

EG16-G3

Over slept this morning and woke up only 30 minutes from when I was supposed to be at the school. I showered, shaved, dressed and was out the door 25 minutes later.

Luckily, the school for this morning’s 3rd grade assignment is only 3 minutes away so I was actually on time!

These 3rd graders were enthusiastic to be at school, did all the work with a minimum of disruption, participated in the instruction, and I had NO little weirdoes that caused ANY problems!

They responded to the “MR. HOMEWORK” noise level control technique almost instantly every time I raised the whiteboard marker to indicate the noise level was getting too loud.

These guys were actually FUN to be with today!

I'm feeling great to have gotten a terrific bunch of kids at a school close to home on a day I over slept.

What a change from just two days ago in a class that was just the polar opposite of this one at the far end of the district.

I left a note for the teacher that said her class for today was “A+++!”

I’m feeling so great and lucky today that I going to buy a Lotto ticket tomorrow to see if my luck holds out! If there is a blog post after today, you can assume my luck didn’t extend beyond today.

What’s It Take?…

OG12-G5

What can you say about 5th grade students who still act up in class when the PRINCIPAL is STANDING IN THE ROOM! Her comment to me is: ‘Their regular teacher has a high noise tolerance’.

My HOMEWORK technique worked not so well. Three visits from the principal and one lecture from the teacher next door made for ONE LONG DISRUPTIVE DAY. I’m not sure how much the kids learn in this environment. Probably not much.

Taking tomorrow off to recuperate and spend the day with one of my granddaughters.

Good Night!

The Big Giant Lesson Plan…

OG9-G4

The main tool I need as a substitute teacher, is a good lesson plan from the teacher. It is my security blanket. I usually carry it around with me or stick it in my pocket for reference. I experience mild sensations of panic if I put it down somewhere and forget where it is.

I NEED that plan.

I have noted in past posts instances of less than ideal plans. I’ve encountered the range of plan formats that include professional word processed plans, handwritten plans, no lesson plan, Post-It Note lesson plans, 2nd hand plans, bad lesson plans, private lingo plan, minimal lesson plan, the audio lesson plan, and "things I can't do" plan.

So you can imagine my amazement, or should I say dismay-zment, when I walked into this 4^th grade classroom to confront the BIG GIANT lesson plan. Written on, not one, but TWO 3’x2’ sheets of chart paper. TWELVE SQUARE FEET of lesson plan.

While I’m just gawking at the gargantuan plan, the teacher next door drops in and greets me with. “How’s it going?” I just point at the deceased tree of a plan with a few mumbled words about “...just reviewing the lesson plan”. She looks to where my quivering finger is pointing and her single comment is “Oh My!”

I, of course, cannot carry this thing around all day. I could, possibility, use it as a sail for a small boat, but anything else is just useless.

So I take the next 15 minutes of my prep time to transcribe the BIG GIANT PLAN onto a single manageable sheet of note paper.

I thought about leaving her a BIG GIANT DAILY SUBSTITUTE TEACHER REPORT, but I just didn’t have the energy to write that big.

Maybe I should have left it on a Post-It Note?

Sexual Harassment, Fight, Fight, Fight…

OG17-G2

Second graders are a trip. Fresh from graduating the 1st grade, these kids are still in the tattle tale stage. Everything from “She said a bad word!” to “Those boys were trying to look at my underpants!”

I called the two young punks up to the front of the class and gave them my best “evil eye” demanding an apology to the girl they were curious about. I wonder what Bill Clinton was like as a second grader. Is that how his reputation started?

Today we blew off an hour going to an assembly skit for the lower graders about being the new kid in school, dealing with bullies and smoking. The kids thought it was great but I thought it was even better when the actor asked the kids about “solution choices” when dealing with a bully.

The presented choices were:
1. Hide.
2. Fight.
3. Talk it out.

Bully Victim: “Should I hide?”
Kids: “Yea! Hide!”

Bully Victim: “Should I fight?”
Kids: (chanting) “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

Bully Victim: “Or should I try and talk it out?”
Kids: (continue chanting) “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

Bully Victim: “Don’t you think talking it out is better?”
Kids: (continue chanting) “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

Bully Victim: “I donno, I think talking it out might be better. Don’t you?”
(At this point the kids must have realized that the skit wasn’t going anywhere until they responded correctly)
Kids: (quieter) “Yea, talk it out”.

Somehow “TALK IT OUT, TALK IT OUT, TALK IT OUT” just doesn’t seem to have the same mob quality rhythm as “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

Thank God for P.E…

EG8-G6

Teacher called in sick with a migraine. If I was stuck with a class like this 6th grade class every day, I’d have a permanent migraine too.

In addition to earning the distinction of being only the second class I’ve ever had reach the HOMEWORK anti-goal, they reached it in record time. By 10:00am, I was ready to quit and go home.

Despite three surprise visits from the principal of the school, and two separate lectures from same said principal, half this class had no desire to cooperate.

Best part of my day was the last hour P.E. where I could put a little physical distance between them and me.

I’m taking tomorrow off…

Bad News…

OG7-G5

Well, my four day sub assignment ended after just two days. Not a real biggie. I guess the teacher got everything squared away at home and was ready to re-take control of her class. I just didn’t appreciate the way I got the news. A phone or email as late as Sunday night would have been acceptable, but not at 05:00am Monday morning.

If you live long enough, bad news will come your way. It’s a part of life and unavoidable. It’s just that sometimes the delivery method and/or timing could be managed to lessen the impact.

Some of the more memorable examples how I got “The Bad News!”

1. Promise a young college graduate all year long that a job is waiting for him after college graduation and then cancel that promise two weeks before the intended job start date and one week before his wedding and honeymoon.

2. Reassure your employee that the rumors are false about his job being outsourced overseas before he goes on vacation only get the news his job left while he was on vacation. The boss delivers the news via answering machine the weekend I get back from vacation. Luckily, he didn’t have my cell number or he would have tried to call me a week earlier in London so the termination dates could have been recorded a week earlier. Nice guy, eh?

3. Have an automated system call at 05:30am and wake me from a sound sleep to tell me that my 2-day substitute teaching assignment for day and tomorrow is cancelled. Couldn’t that piece of news waited for at least one more hour of peaceful slumber? I guess I should be grateful they didn’t call at 04:00am.

As it turned out, the other school district called later and I picked up a job for a 5th grade class starting at 10:00am. The only thing I lost today was a couple hours additional sleep.

Student Elections…

JKSES-EG-G5

Day 2 of the 4 day subbing assignment finds the school in full Election Day swing. The kids had a morning assembly to hear the campaign speeches from about 60 candidates for five student council offices. Offices of President, Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer, and School Historian were all up for grabs.

Some of the expected unattainable campaign promises:
1. Candy apples for lunch!!
2. Open access to the school playground after hours and weekends!!
3. Less homework!!
4. More recess!!

-- AND --

5. Less THINKING!!

Yep. One candidate for President actually promised “Less Thinking”. This got a big laugh from all the teachers present for the assembly.

Either this kid has his tongue planted firmly in cheek or is impressively perceptive about the apparent intelligence of today’s average voter.

Kids Are Like Pizza…

JKSES-EG-G5
Back to the same class I had last Wednesday.

I met with the teacher before class and she said she needed to be away for the next week or so and wanted to know if I could take her class for the next three school days. Her dad is sick and needs constant monitoring at home after the hospital.

“Sure” I said. The kids were great last time so I felt confidant that today and three more should be no problem.

When I went to pick them up for the start of class, I heard a chorus of “Hey look! It’s Mr. Homework”

I had, indeed, used my tried and proven method of classroom control last Wednesday, by adding letter by letter to the word “HOMEWORK” at each noise level event, the class remained fairly workable. Last Wednesday’s effort made it through the end of class without the issuing the final “K”, so awarding the threatened essay was averted.

By the end of today, I’m not as confident as I was at the beginning of the day. The frequency rate in accumulating letters to “HOMEWORK” has increased. While it IS the same class, they might be catching on to my “system”.

These kids are like pizza! It’s great the first time just out of the oven. The next day leftovers are still good, but not great. The third day, it’s just edible. The fourth day it’s time to throw out.

Hummm. Today was left over day. Tomorrow is the “just edible” day. That means Monday and Tuesday are …. Oh, damn!...

Passin’ On the Bug…

Monday: Cured and ready to go back to school. No calls.

Tuesday: Couldn’t take any sub today jobs because today the car seems to have contracted my flu bug. It’s stumbling, stuttering and cough like balking down the road. $600 bucks later, the car is well again. Now I’M feeling “poorly” again.

L’ill Germ Bags Got Me…

No calls Thursday and sick on Friday. The little germ bags must have got to me at school somewhere. Hope to be feeling better for tomorrow.

Standing Out…

JKSES-EG-G5

As a sub, you go into a classroom not knowing what to expect from that morning’s group of kids. They don’t know you and you don’t know them.

It is only a small minority that stands out and then it’s usually for the wrong reasons. I know from my brief experience that the kids’ names I get to know quickly are those that give me the hardest time.

A smaller minority of kids stand out for the opposite reason. These are the kids that are the helpful, enthusiastic, active (in a good way) and are fun to have in class.

For the most part, the majority of the kids don’t particularly stand out because they don’t act out; they do their work quietly and fly mostly under my substitute teacher radar.

Today’s 5th grade class, as a whole, was great. No trouble makers. The lesson plan and materials were exactly right. No “stand outs” for the wrong reasons.

But there was this one kid....

She was smiley, bright eyed, quietly responsive, and was doing all the work. Bright-eyes was just like the rest of the “not standing out” kids.

The only thing I DID notice about her was a slightly odd speech “quality”. Not exactly a speech impediment or lisp, but something just vaguely off. It was certainly not odd enough to divert my attention in a school district where accents and native foreign languages are the norm more than the exception.

At the 5th grade P.E. period, I was exchanging pleasantries with one of the other 5th grade teachers, when Bright-Eyes walked by with a small group of friends. The teacher asked me how she was doing in my class. I responded that she and all the rest of the kids were doing great.

He then told me, “I’ll bet you didn’t notice that she is deaf.”

I must admit that I was kind of stunned speechless at that statement. The teacher told me that when her family emigrated to the U.S., the kids had received a slew of immunization shots before their visa could be approved. A reaction to the immunizations left both her and her brother deaf. The prognosis they were given is that it might be up to 5-10 years if and when they might regain their hearing.

I tried to remember how many times I had called on Bright-Eyes to answer some question or read a passage from a book assignment without noticing anything even hinting that she couldn’t hear me. She just didn’t stand out.

The only clue I had that I missed was her speech pattern that the non-signing, hearing impaired sometimes have.

When I asked how she manages in class, the teacher explained that she can read lips, and watches for visual cues from the kids around her to figure out which books and the pages she needs to be on to do her work.

After P.E., and for the rest of the day, I couldn’t help but be amazed how this girl functioned in class. I now noticed that she was constantly in tune with the other girls at her desk. Quick glances at what papers and books she needed were very subtle. During reading when Bright-Eyes was called on, the girl next to her gave her elbow a nudge and pointed in the book the passage she was supposed to read and off she went without a hitch.

After the kids have left for the day, I had to correct a “capitalization exam” the kids had taken earlier that morning. Twenty-five mal-formed sentences in all lower case. Of the 23 exams I corrected, only one near the bottom of the pile, had no errors.

It was Bright-Eyes, the most “Out Standing” kid I have met so far.

Hide-N-Seek…

MBES-EG-G4

I checked in at the school for this 4th grade assignment. I was assured that the attendance sheet was already in the room. The teachers’ desk had the lesson plan and two thirds of the books and work sheets to be done for the day but no attendance sheet. A trip back to the office and a repeat check of her box didn’t produce the missing attendance list.

I’m running out of time as the kids are due through the door in about 10 minutes and I still haven’t found the other third of the material I need or that damned attendance list. So it’s hide-n-seek time.

I start at the classroom door and hunt on every exposed table top, filing cabinet and finally found the attendance sheet on the overhead projector stand. I found what looked like the other third of the teaching materials on a low table under the map of the world.

With the newly found work pile there was also a second stack of math tests completely different in content and difficulty from the stack piled under the lesson plan.

Now I have to give a math test not knowing which one to give when the time comes.

I’m starting to feel like a contestant in a game called “Let’s punk the sub!” I asked a couple of the more reliable girls which math test looked correct when it came time for the math test.

If it was wrong, it’s not my fault. Bad planning on teachers end results in marginal quality on mine.

What Time Is Lunch?…

PVES-OG-G2

The detailed three page lesson plan for this 2nd grade class assignment was clear, concise and complete. The required materials were labeled and arrayed in order of use on a desk in the corner of the room. I couldn’t ask for a better start.

Then the kids came in.

No one in this class can seem to ask a question unless their nose is planted squarely in my face.

ME: “Ok! RULE for today! You have sit down and raise your hand to ask a question.”

I think I repeated this phrase ten thousand times that morning and still there would be a tug on my [shirt/pant leg/hand/arm]: “[Where/what/when/how/why/can] I [read/ write/ get/ put/ have] [that/ this/ he/ she/ it/ them]?”

Each time I’d look the little yanker kid (YK) in the eye and ask: “Are you in your seat with hand raised”?

YK: “Oh…I forgot.” And back to his/her seat they go.
(Repeat this scene all morning…)

Finally, during the math work sheet, a hand is raised! The little YK is IN her seat!

Praising the little YK for being seated and quietly raining her hand, I smilingly ask: “Now what question do you have?”

YK: “What time is lunch?”

ME: Eyes closed, rubbing forehead with thumb and index finger. “Ok. Listen up. New rule! You have sit down and raise your hand to ask a question AND the question has to be about the work we are doing NOW!”

The rest of the day we worked on the “…work we are doing NOW!” with not much progress.

Class behavior report:
Four boys earn first level warning cards for acting up in class.
One boy earns a second level timeout after throwing a fit about getting a warning card.

Injury report:
“Throwing Fit” kid fakes fall and points to elbow claiming to need a cold pack from the health office. He becomes indignant and starts to cry when request is refused. Somewhat mollified when supplied wet paper towel.

Oh Damn! report:
Kid waits too long to ask permission to go to the bathroom. We have leakage. Janitors do “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to do choose who gets damage control.

Summary:
The lesson plans were great but execution of the plan not so smooth.

I’m taking Monday off…

First Call For This Week...

SAKES-OG-G6

First call of the week came for a late morning half day for a 6^th grade class. The moderately noisy thirty-four kids got really into keeping it down after I related the story of a 5th grade class that got the HOMEWORK assignment I handed out last year.

They were impressed enough to behave the rest of the day. I think I found a new classroom behavior tool.

It was an easy day. Lesson plan indicated that they had work already assigned and no instruction from me was needed except to answer questions. Lunch, PE and recess pretty much took up most of my half day.

I had only one kid try to scam me. She asked to go to the bathroom OR get a drink of water? I guess she thought that by throwing out a bunch of options, one might actually get granted. I’m guessing she’ll get better at the game as the year progresses.

I got a call for a full day 2^nd grade tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes.

English As She Is Spoke…

No calls for today after the long three day Labor Day weekend.

Surfing the net did uncover this hilarious gem of literature. “English As She Is Spoke” or EASIS for short is without question the worst phrasebook ever written. Click the link and read it aloud for the full effect.

Excerpt from: Anecdotes

A man one's was presented at a magistrate which had a considerable library. "What you make?" beg him the magistrate. "I do some books," he was answered. "But any of your books I did not seen its.--I believe it so, was answered the author; I mak nothign for Paris. From a of my works is imprinted, I send the edition for America; I don't compose what to colonies."

Excerpt from: Familiar Phrases

These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in the mouth.

Excerpt from: Idiotisms and Proverbs

Take out the live coals with the hand of the cat.
A horse baared don't look him the tooth.
Take the occasion for the hairs.
To do a wink to some body.
So many go the jar to spring, than at last rest there.

Excerpt from: Familiar Dialogue With a Bookseller

What is there in new's litterature?
Little or almost nothing, it not appears any thing of note.
And yet one imprint many deal.
But why, you and another book seller, you does not to imprint some good wooks?
There is a reason for that, it is that you cannot to sell its. The actual-liking of the public is depraved they does not read who for to amuse one's self ant but to instruct one's.
But the letter's men who cultivate the arts and the sciences they can't to pass without the books.
A little learneds are happies enough for to may to satisfy their fancies on the literature.
I have only been able to procure the octo-decimo edition, which is embellished with plates beautifully coloured.

The Back Story…

Last Tuesday’s 1^st grade lesson plan included reading "Substitute Teacher Plans" to the kids.

From the Amazon review section:

“…A too-tired teacher takes a personal day after carefully making plans for her substitute and the class, and for herself during her time off. In her weariness, Miss Huff inadvertently reverses the activities lists, to everyone's delight. As the children and the sub go off to ride a roller coaster, skydive, build a huge sand castle, and so on, the teacher happily settles down to read, write, practice math by paying her bills, etc. … When Miss Huff returns the following day, she finds a thank-you note from her stand-in. The principal arrives asking for an explanation and is promptly invited to join Miss Huff and her class to take acrobatic flight training…”

Now the kids really liked it and all bought the story line but I think the there are some serious questions to be answered here:

Item 1: Miss Huff CLAIMS to be too tired, yet she was planning to ride roller coasters, do skydiving, skiing, scuba diving, visit the circus AND build sand castles at the beach. ALL IN ONE DAY! Does this sound like a “too tired” teacher to you? I think not!

Item 2: Miss Huff mixes up the lists and yet doesn’t realize it the entire day. Is Miss Huff in that much of a chemical fog that she “forgot” all that fun stuff? Me thinks she’s been “huffing” the glue sticks a bit much.

Item 3: Amazingly Miss Huff’s sub, Mrs. Martin, doesn’t even question her very odd lesson plan for teaching the kids. She just calls the office to get an instantly available school bus to cart 20 kids off campus without even ONE permission slip!

Item 4: Just where does Mrs. Martin GET all the MONEY for tickets to the circus, scuba diving rental, sky diving lessons and lift tickets to ski for 20 kids? Substitute teacher’s pay rate? School has loads of extra cash? A mystery it is!

Item 5: When the principal Mr. Johnson confronts Miss Huff and Mrs. Martin the next day, do they get the bums rush out the door? NO! Miss Huff arranges for her class AND Principal Johnson to go take acrobatic flight training!

Clearly these people are all in cahoots, embezzling school district funds to cover for a deranged teacher, an underpaid substitute teacher and an unscrupulous principal who may or may not have lecherous intentions toward his favorite chemically dependent 1^st grade teacher.

Now where’s that number for “60 Minutes”…

Triage...

CES-OG-G1

At first, things started smoothly with these seventeen first graders.

Then, while returning from the first recess one of the girls said she didn’t feel well and wanted to go to the health office. As a second year veteran substitute teacher, I know that the kids are always trying to get out of class to the bathroom, health office or anyplace that’s not in the classroom. Instead, I applied the medicinal cure-all wet paper towel. She was happy with that, but I kept an eye on her just in case.

Ten minutes later I sent her off to the health office with a note. She was back less than ten minutes after that with a note from the school nurse saying she seems fine now and her temperature was 99F. It WAS a hot day and the kids WERE running around at recess.

By the time lunch bell rang she looked a lot worse and was complaining about a headache so I dropped her off at the health office once again on the way to deliver the rest of the kids to the cafeteria. During lunch I got word that she was going home with a temp of 102F

After the lunch recess, the yard duty people informed me that another one of the girls in my class had fallen on her back from the monkey bars and was being sent home.

Back from lunch, yet another girl was staring at the ceiling while pointing to her bloody nose while the boy next to her pulled up his pant leg and promptly picked a scab off his knee that started bleeding.

YIKES! In less than half a day, almost 25% of my class is sick, maimed or injured! Fortunately the wet paper towel cure worked on my last two mini-patients. I closed out the day reporting only a 12% medical emergency loss of students in my report to the teacher.

What a day. I hope I can get through the next class injury free.

BE the Alpha Dog…

Claudette and I spent the weekend visiting my cousin, her sister and their respective mates at their, soon to be, retirement place on the coast in Pacific Grove, Calif. Two pleasantly cool days spent enjoying the soothing sound of Pacific waves crashing the shore line while the home front roasted in 90+F heat.

My cousins are full blooded teachers of what must be many, many, many years of experience (2^nd grade and Kindergarten) and cousin-in-law, Tony, is a retired teacher while Terry, the other cousin-in-law, is just an ordinary…..rocket scientist! Really!

What a wealth of minds to pick from for advice in the up coming school year!

Anyway, between glasses of cold beer on the terrace of the restaurant at Spanish Bay and more wine attending Carmel’s outdoor Theater in the Forest presentation of “Beauty and the Beast”, I came away with the following two teaching tips.

#1 Be the “alpha dog”…

When escorting the kids to lunch or the library, always lead the line. Never follow. They should always be behind you and in line. Show them who’s the boss right off otherwise you’ll have them running farther and farther ahead and finally off the leash. Thanks Mary!

#2 It’s OK to cry…

If you have a crying kid demanding attention, just gently let them know it’s ok to cry but to go over in some isolated part of the room until they feel they’d like to come back and join the group. After a while, they’ll see that they are not getting the attention they wanted and are missing out on all that Kindergarten fun. Thanks Connie!

Connie had no advice for me if it was the teacher that needed a good cry…

And So Begins The Second Year…

Six-Forty-Five AM call. It begins with the automated call system voice. “Hello! This is the OG School District calling. We have an assignment for (insert my name here). Please enter your PIN….”

Seventeen 3^rd graders still acting a little like the 2^nd graders they were a short time ago. Very concerned about the time when recess and lunch are.

The teacher has a wind chime that dangles from the ceiling in the front of the room at just about 5’ 7” off the floor. I’m 5’ 9”, so the kids had a giggle every time I backed into it getting papers and books for the next lesson. The kids said the other sub yesterday had also threatened to chop it off as he, evidentially, had the same problem.

This is the third day of school and I’m the second sub they’ve had in so many days. Word is that the teacher’s mother is very old and in her last days. This was ON the lesson plan! I can sympathize, but the kids are getting short changed here. The school would probably do better by the kids in hiring a full time sub (not me) to take the class for the indefinite time this teacher needs to be away.

My day ended with a first. I had “yard duty” directing car traffic of parents continuously circling the parking lot trying to pick up their kids after school. What a waste of gas at today’s prices.

TIVO-Wife...

School starts up today. No calls to sub yet and therefore no new “subbing in the classroom” blog material to post about. So I thought I’d venture into a topic that I previously deemed a bit “too snarky” for public review.

The first thing I discovered is that “snarky” is a real word! : “adj. Slang snark·i·er, snark·i·est Irritable or short-tempered; irascible”

I first time I heard this term was from Ginny on her Singing Pigs blog.

After listening to a friend of mine complain of his mail delivery (both too late AND too early), I accused him of being a “happiness vacuum” (thanks again for the term Ginny…). He now, sometimes, calls and leaves what my wife terms “obscene sucking noises” on the answering machine.

Slightly rude and obscene. That’s how we guys are with each other. But you gotta love us anyway, right?

Disclaimer to still new brides: Snarky behavior on our part probably does NOT apply to your newly married beausband. To all new beausbands, I apologize if your wife interrogates you about your sympathies related to this post. (You can blind email me later…)

Anyway, a bunch of us old married “guys” were standing around before church just BS-ing when one of our fellow chuckle heads announced that he’d really like to have a “pause” button once and a while for his wife. She DOES talk a lot, but in order to protect the guilty no names will be mentioned here.

From that simple, single statement we “guys” brainstormed and invented the “TIVO-Wife”!!.

TIVO-Wife feature list:

Pause: Obvious.

Volume: Obvious

Channel: Can we change the topic?

Re-play: For when we finally tune back into the conversation at the phrase “Are you listening to me?”

Record: Remember when I said “I Love You”? Just play the recording again when you feel neglected.

Erase: Remember that time I (…fill in your own worst foot in mouth event here…)

Fast Forward: We don’t want the long story. Get to the point!

Thumbs-Up: To train the TIVO-Wife what conversations we like.

Thumbs-Down: To train the TIVO-Wife what conversations we don’t.

This is as far as we got before the wives came out and we hastily changed the subject…

Too snarky? Leave a comment and let me know.

Teaching Makes You Sick?...

And you just thought all you had to worry about was kid boogers...
Full story here

Reuters
by Amy Norton Thu Aug 18, 1:31 PM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - A wide range of occupations, from farming to teaching, may be potential risk factors for degenerative brain diseases, such as Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease, research findings suggest.

In a study of more than 2.6 million U.S. death records, researchers found that a variety of jobs were associated with an increased risk of death from several forms of brain degeneration, namely Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease, early-onset dementia and motor neuron disease

Many of the associations had been seen in earlier research and could potentially be explained by on-the-job exposures to the chemicals that farmers, welders and hairdressers routinely use or inhale.

Other findings, however, such as the elevated disease risks among teachers, clergy and bank tellers, are not easily explained, according to the researchers, led by Robert M. Park of the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, Cincinnati, Ohio.

Studies such as this, where death certificates are used to find associations between occupation and disease risk, have their limits. For one, death records are a less-than-ideal measure of a person's work history, Park told Reuters Health.

"At best," he noted, such research can tease out general patterns that can then be studied further.

In their analysis, Park and his colleagues found that the bank tellers, clergy, aircraft mechanics and hairdressers had highest odds of dying from Alzheimer's disease. For Parkinson's disease, the highest risks were among biological scientists, teachers, clergy members and other religious workers.

SOURCE: American Journal of Industrial Medicine, July 2005.

Goofy Boys...

I haven’t experienced the notion of a “long summer vacation” since I last attended high school many moons ago.

College, jobs to pay for college, marriage, parent at 22, 30 plus year career, grand-pa to two granddaughters at 57 pretty much dictated the end of long stretches of free summer time idleness.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. Given the choice to do it over again, I’d do it the same way except, maybe, for buying that new 1971 baby dew-dew yellow Volvo station wagon.

With this substitute teacher gig, I’m off during the summer again and it’s a new experience. I like it!

My usual afternoon includes the mile long walk down to the air conditioned McLibrary to read my book and partake of fine dining from the $1 menu. It’s also a good place to people watch.

So yesterday, as I was having my third, free refill of the senior diet cola drink, when six junior high aged boys snagged the window booth in front of mine along the drive through lane.

Boy #1: Look, dude. There’s your mom coming. Everybody wave!

(…Boys waving frantically at the silver SUV, as “mom” obliviously drives on through.)

Boy #2: Hey, I think that’s your sister! Everybody wave!

(…Boys waving frantically at the Lexus sports car, as “sister” on cell phone and digging in her McDonalds treasure lunch bag coasts on by)

Boy #3: Hey, isn’t that your uncle! Everybody wave!

(…Boys waving frantically at the confused guy in the pickup truck who’s returning a low two finger wave back while trying to figure out who these kids are)

All the boys: Laughing hysterically, high fiveing each other.

Ok, after a few more rounds of this, I’m starting to figure out that this isn’t a mass drive-thru family reunion and these are just a group of goofy boys having some fun trying to get people to wave at them.

Honestly now, can you think of anything more useless to do on a nice summer day?

When I was their age, way back in the nineteen-ought-sixties, me and the guys would ride our bikes down to the highway and watch for the eighteen wheelers. When we saw one coming, we’d all pump our fists in the air hoping to get the driver to give us a blast on the air horn as he went by. We’d all cheer when we got one.

Now THAT was something to do on a nice summer day!

M/F Differences...

Nothing pithy for today.

I did run across following clever video by Bruno Bozzetto, illustrating the differences between men and women. Enjoy!

Female .vs. Male

She Left Me...

Well…Claudette and her Ya-Ya sisterhood of five friends left this morning for their annual “Quilt Camp” excursion in Cayucos Calif.

Two van loads of sewing machines, fabric, cutters, sergers, cutting boards, cutise work lamps and enough clothes for an invading army to survive a month.

She claims that they are busy the whole week working on projects. If it was me and a bunch of the Yo-Yo brotherhood guys attempting the same thing, I know we’d end up at the beach with a cooler of beer and BBQ the entire week.

She’s leaving me ALL alone for the entire week. ALL alone. Just me and the cats. What to do, what to do.

Maybe I’ll take a cue from the cats? I’ll sleep in late. Take long afternoon naps. Pretty much just hang out all day and veg. Yea, that’s the ticket!

You’ll have to excuse me now. I need to go check and see if anyone put some dinner in my food bowl.

I Think I've Had This Nightmare...

Yea! You in the back row! I'm looking at you. The answer is???

Back To School Thoughts For Today...

"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't..."

"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive..."

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate..."

If you don't "get" these, then it’s just about time to go back to school!

Got A Pay Cut…

I got my Substitute Teaching Certificate in the mail last week. Made the rounds to the two school districts I plan to substitute with. Classes resume the last week in August.

One district that was paying $125/day last year is now paying $115/day this year but increased the half day pay from $62.50/day to $65/day.

Now if I could only figure out a way to finagle two half day substitute jobs each day…

It’s A Free Day! Score!…

My friend Gary says I’m cheap and I’ll do anything for something that’s free. He’s mostly right.

Everyone gets coupons for free stuff and/or discounts every now and again. Most of the time it’s for stuff you don’t want, can’t use or don’t need “two for the price of one” of when one will last forever.

Then again, sometimes the confluence of free stuff and this week’s lack of cash in my wallet make it worthwhile to cash in on discount loot.

Today was my “free day”.

I gathered the following collection of accumulated “instead of cash” currency and made the afternoon lunch run.

1. $5 gift certificate for In-N-Out Burger for doing an online survey for something I forget.

2. A twist off plastic cap for a free 1 Liter coke product.

3. A coupon I got in the mail for one 4 pound sample of Purina One cat food.

A cholesterol busting Double-Double burger, fries and drink lunch was followed by a trek across the parking lot to Albertson’s super market to scam my free coke and cat food.

I exit the store to find…MORE FREE STUFF! The Scott Paper Company was handing out free sample rolls of toilet paper and moist wipes!

Total “free day” cost? Fifty six cents!

Tax on the burger and recycle deposit on the coke bottle somewhat spoiled the “free day” experience but what the hey. Nothing is perfect!

…This is truly pathetic. I need a full time job.

In the mean time, how about listing your best “free day score” in the comments section?

My Wife Flushed The Cat…

I was awakened from semi-dream state Thursday morning to Claudette’s excited tone that “…the cat clogged the toilet!” At least that’s what I thought I heard. “…It just jumped off the shelf when I flushed and it disappeared and now the water won’t go down!”

I'm awake at this point but still slow on the uptake wondering how one of our cats could possibility get flushed down the toilet. Even the smaller cat couldn’t even remotely fit through the toilet flusher hole. At most, all they’d get is wet and super pissed off.

Upon further clarification, it becomes apparent that a shelf next to the toilet got bumped, a little cat figurine fell into the toilet and is now the victim of apparent inanimate animal suicide.

Sure enough, repeated test flushing revealed rising water levels more than double the usual point then slowly draining indicated a blockage. So my job for today is fixing the toilet.

Now, I really hate fixing plumbing problems. I can never get it right the first time without leaks and at least two trips to the hardware store. I never have the correct sized part or the correct number and variety of parts. So I’m really going to try and not take the toilet apart to clear this cat clog.

I spend the next hour or so trying to push the cat the rest of the way through toilet channel using a combination of coat hangers, plumbers snake and the ole’ trusty ‘D’-cup toilet plunger to no avail. Several test flushes showed the cat was still not on its merry way to San Francisco bay. DAMN!

Undeterred by this lack of progress, I decided all I need is more “push” to dislodge the drowned cat. I go to the hardware store and find a “Hi-Tec Super Floosher Toilet Plunger” guaranteed to unclog any toilet. Another hour of “flooshing” back home did nothing to encourage the trapped cat to continue its water park adventure ride.

Finally resigned to the realization that I WILL have to take the toilet completely apart, I procrastinate the rest of the day while making a list of toilet parts I’ll need to re-assemble the dang thing after I extract that miserable cat. ….Tomorrow!

As a last ditch effort, I tried to convince Claudette that we could just label this bathroom “For Liquid Waste Only”. Reasoning that, “It still kinda works and we DO have two other perfectly functioning facilities in the house!” She just gave me that droopy eyed look that said “No Dice” before going off to work the next day.

So another trip to the hardware store for toilet parts and a couple more hours in the bathroom surrounded by sopping wet towels and many swear words, I finally extract the medium egg shaped ceramic cat from the bowels of white porcelain toilet.

Undamaged, thoroughly rinsed with a Cheshire grin, it mocks me while I spend another hour re-assembling its former watery prison and clean up the bathroom.

Claudette returns home to find the formally flushed feline sitting on the counter. She tells me, emphatically, that she doesn’t want it back! “It was in the toilet with all that ….stuff”

Damn cat…

What's Your Excuse?...

Found the following on the web:

Excerpts from a collection of actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling) from the Office of Educational Assessment at the University of Washington.

“Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak...”

“Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault...”

“Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday…”

“My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines...”

“Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover…”

Full list here: http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/excuses.html

Substitute Certificate Renewal…

Finally! Something easily accomplished when dealing with the government. I was able to do an online renewal for my county Substitute Teaching Certificate. At $57, I guess I’m committed for at least one half of a class day this coming school year to break even.

So You Think Your Neighbor-Hood is Tough?...

Nigerian pets?...

These photos of hyenas and babbons somewhere in Nigera are making the internet rounds.

How would you like these kids in your class to have a "Bring Your Pet To School Day" for show-and-tell?

"Take Your Pet To School" Day...

Tough neighborhood...

Hey! I’m Sorta, Somewhat, Almost, Semi-Famous…

Discovered today that my blog has made the blogroll in the online Mercury News A&E Interactive section of the local paper! Left hand side, bottom the page, “Substitute Teacher”

Busy Body…

I’m going to reveal something about myself that may or may not be popular.

Did you ever throw a late night beer bust with outdoor loud speakers still going strong at 02:00am when the cops showed up to close it down? Have you ever wondered WHO called the cops to cruise by and shut it down? That was me!

Got a junker of car with flat tires that’s been parked on the street for months and was finally red tagged for towing? Yep, me.

Ever decide that during a dry, drought plagued, “High Fire Danger” summer season the best way to get rid of the six foot tall weeds in the back yard across from my house is to intentionally set them on fire only to have the fire department show up to douse the blaze and issue you a fine? Me again!

(All this stuff really DID really happen…)

Inconsiderate people don’t get consideration from me. But occasionally, I’ll stick my nose in where it just might do someone else some good.

As I was coming back from an appointment Monday of this week, I passed the parking lot of Country Club elementary school where I had my first subbing assignment last year. I noticed something peculiar about a car parked in the nearly empty lot. The car was sitting on the ground with all four wheels missing.

My thought was that this must have been stolen and the fancy rims stripped. It’s summer, the school is not in session and this school isn’t on a particularly busy street. It could be a while before this gets reported. If it was my car, I’d like to get it back ASAP.

I live in the 10^th largest city in the nation according to today’s newspaper, but I don’t think that some of the city services have kept pace.

I called 311, the non-emergency number, to report the possibly stolen car.

I’m on automated “hold” for twenty minutes while “All other operators are busy. Please hold…” before I give up and try again.

The non-emergency menu selection indicates an alternative number for the “city directory assistance operator”. I try that and get a very helpful person who sympathizes with my long attempts to contact the police. She suggests the office of “code enforcement” might help and directs my call.

I give CEG (Code Enforcement Guy) all the relevant information. The school name, the car license plate number, etc.

CEG: I need the complete name and mailing address of the school.
ME: Whaaa? I don’t have the EXACT address, but how many schools might there BE at the corner of San Fli___ Road and Farn___? Don’t you have MapQuest, YahooMaps?

CEG: I can’t help you unless I have the exact address.
ME: Ok. Fine! I’ll look up the address from my school district maps

CEG: Great, we’ll send a letter out to the property owner right away.
ME: You mean you aren’t going to send a cop car out to take a look?

CEG: No, we have to send the property owner a letter and wait two weeks for them to respond before we can move it. (He means he’s going to send the SCHOOL a letter about the car!)
ME: Since the “property” is a public school, doesn’t that mean YOU, the city, own the property? You’re going to send yourself a letter? (I’m trying not to get TOO sarcastic at this point)

CEG: Well, that’s how it’s done.
ME: OOOOHHH KKKAAA…Bye now.

I called 311 again and waited for the “real police” to answer. It took another twenty minutes on automated hold for them to pick up. Four minutes later I completed the report to which they responded that they’d send someone out to check on it.

Over an hour of my time spent but the car was gone the next day.

CEG called me back today to tell me that they couldn’t send the code compliance letter because their department handles only private school properties.

Never mind…

Wild Cat Rodeo Roundup…

Rozilla..

Nothing beats a tiring day like rounding up a bunch of sugar high Kindergartners. Unless it’s medicating an unwilling cat...

My wife has a cat. Two cats actually.

It’s been three years since we got these cats from the local rescue shelter. We haven’t had to deal with flea problems owning these hairy fur balls for pets…until now!

After three flea free years (try saying that 10 times in a row!) and the onset of summer, the fleas have somehow found their way indoors to feast on these two over fed mobile blood lunch wagons. So we got this overpriced, liquid stuff you’re supposed to rub in on the back of the cats’ neck once a month to get rid of the biting bugs and prevent them from coming back.

The “easy” cat was no problem. A pat on the head, scratch the belly and a dose on the back of the neck and we’re done.

The other cat, aptly named ROZILLA, is a different story. Rozzee hasn’t ever been to the vet because she doesn’t trust us enough to pick her up. When I’m occasionally stupid enough to try, I get a twisting, furiously hissing, screaming, spitting, ball of fur and muscle which usually results in making us both very wary and unhappy with each other.

So we’ve come to somewhat of a truce. As long as I don’t try and touch the cat with both hands she’ll submit, somewhat flinchingly, to an occasional one handed scratch behind the ear.

Our plan was simple. I was to immobilize Rozzee with a beach towel and expose the neck area for Claudette to apply the medication. The execution of the plan wasn’t so simple.

Festooned with said beach towel and thick leather work gloves like some demented urban toreador, I approach my quarry. The cat immediately shoots full tilt from room to room with me never getting within five feet of a capture opportunity.

“Plan B”: Close off all the doors in the upper hallway. Chase the cat up the stairs and corner the cat at the dead-end linen closet door. Claudette will stand guard at the top of the stairs to prevent escape in case I miss.

Round and round downstairs we go until Rozzee bolts up the stairs according to plan. I cautiously approach. Coming in low while blocking off the only exit with the towel, I manage to get most of the cat wrapped in the towel. Unfortunately, “most” isn’t enough and I’m getting mauled by the toothy end and one exposed claw.

The cat manages to squirm loose and shoots down the hallway toward Claudette who’s supposed to be blocking the exit down the stairs. Claudette, no fool, immediately abandons her job as “blocker” by pressing flat against the hallway wall and shrieks as Rozzee zooms past. Nice blocking job there, partner!

We regroup and decide to have another pass at “Plan B”. The problem we have now is that the cat has figured out “Plan B” and won’t be tricked into going up the stairs.

So for the next twenty minutes, we go round and round from the living room, to kitchen, to family room, behind the piano, behind the entertainment center, under the couches until the cat and I are exhausted and sweating like hard run horses in the Kentucky Derby. I’m sure any neighbors looking in through our living room picture window that night would have found the spectacle better than any reality show on FOX that night.

The cat finally is exhausted and panting hard. She latches all four claws in the seat cushion of a dining room chair and howls as I cover her with the beach towel with one hand and hold her head with the other while Claudette applies the medication.

Job complete, I quickly step back releasing both ends of mad cat at the same time expecting her to bolt as far away from me as possible. Surprisingly, the cat remains clamped to the chair for the rest the evening probably resting up for next month when we get to do it all over again.

Maybe Kindergarten isn’t so bad after all.

Final Tally: 2004-2005

I didn’t sub at all the last week of school, so I guess I’m on summer vacation also.

Substitute teaching seems to be the only job where no training is given, feedback is rarely provided and the kids, themselves, are the wild card variable to whether or not they make a memorable blog entry.

I thought I should take this opportunity to summarize how this first year of subbing in the Kinder through 6th grades has been. I’ll answer some questions that some people have been curious about and list some likes and dislikes of the subbing experience.

Q&A

Q: Which grade levels did I like best?
A: Without any in depth analysis on my part, I think I first prefer 2^nd,3^rd,4^th grades, then 1^st and 5^th with Kinder and 6^th last. I’m sure some psychoanalyst could read something into that but I’m not gonna ask.

Q: Am I going to do it again next year?
A: Probably if I don’t find a better paying job before then.

Q: Do you think you’d like to become a full time teacher?
A: No, and I don’t have to think about that too much.

Q: from When Pigs Sing “What advice would you give to teachers to procure the good subs?”
A: I’m not sure I have enough experience (8 months total) to give any advice to teachers on how to keep “good subs” other than it would be useful to phone or email the “good subs” they’ve had and let them know that they ARE doing a good job for them.

No one’s contacted me, post-sub assignment, for any feedback at this point so I’m not sure how well I’m doing this job. Hmmm…Maybe teachers already DO contact the good subs and that means…..well….hummmm.

Anyway, I DID get a letter from all three districts I worked for this year that I do have a “reasonable assurance of returning to work” next year so I guess that’s something.

Q: from When Pigs Sing “What advice would you give to teachers do to make your job easier?”
A: The two best sub jobs I’ve had were for classes where a lot of the kids had some kind of classroom job.

The routine daily chores of taking attendance, homework check, library book check in/out, etc was treated, by the kids, as an honor. The classes where this was the normal setup tended to be better behaved and ran like clockwork.

Likes and Dislikes

Dislike: Waking up at oh-six-damn-its-early-oclock to get to the school on time.
Like: Getting off work at oh-three-isthatdaylight?-somethin-oclock every day.

Dislike: That queasy feeling right before the 1^st kid comes in the classroom door. (Does this ever go away?)
Like: That the feeling does go away just after that 1^st kid comes in the door (How does that work?)

Dislike: No lesson plan!
Like: Detailed, word processed lesson plans with all the material clearly available.

Dislike: The handful of the kids I encountered destined to a future state and/or federal residence facility.
Like: The other 99% basically normal, reasonable, pleasant, kid-people to be around.

Like: All of the teacher and administrators of the schools I encountered. They were ALL supportive, friendly and approachable.

What next?

That’s all I can think of right now. If any blog readers wish to submit questions in comment section, I will append and/or update it to this first year summary posting.

Just don’t ask me to sing. It ain’t goin ta happen…

No Calls …

No calls WED/THU/FRI. I guess the schools are winding down for the start of summer on June/10^th.

Maybe I should have worked Tuesday instead of going to the beach?

Nope….Life is too short and one day’s subbing pay isn’t enough to make much of a difference.

Let’s see what the last week of school brings.