Triage...

CES-OG-G1

At first, things started smoothly with these seventeen first graders.

Then, while returning from the first recess one of the girls said she didn’t feel well and wanted to go to the health office. As a second year veteran substitute teacher, I know that the kids are always trying to get out of class to the bathroom, health office or anyplace that’s not in the classroom. Instead, I applied the medicinal cure-all wet paper towel. She was happy with that, but I kept an eye on her just in case.

Ten minutes later I sent her off to the health office with a note. She was back less than ten minutes after that with a note from the school nurse saying she seems fine now and her temperature was 99F. It WAS a hot day and the kids WERE running around at recess.

By the time lunch bell rang she looked a lot worse and was complaining about a headache so I dropped her off at the health office once again on the way to deliver the rest of the kids to the cafeteria. During lunch I got word that she was going home with a temp of 102F

After the lunch recess, the yard duty people informed me that another one of the girls in my class had fallen on her back from the monkey bars and was being sent home.

Back from lunch, yet another girl was staring at the ceiling while pointing to her bloody nose while the boy next to her pulled up his pant leg and promptly picked a scab off his knee that started bleeding.

YIKES! In less than half a day, almost 25% of my class is sick, maimed or injured! Fortunately the wet paper towel cure worked on my last two mini-patients. I closed out the day reporting only a 12% medical emergency loss of students in my report to the teacher.

What a day. I hope I can get through the next class injury free.

BE the Alpha Dog…

Claudette and I spent the weekend visiting my cousin, her sister and their respective mates at their, soon to be, retirement place on the coast in Pacific Grove, Calif. Two pleasantly cool days spent enjoying the soothing sound of Pacific waves crashing the shore line while the home front roasted in 90+F heat.

My cousins are full blooded teachers of what must be many, many, many years of experience (2^nd grade and Kindergarten) and cousin-in-law, Tony, is a retired teacher while Terry, the other cousin-in-law, is just an ordinary…..rocket scientist! Really!

What a wealth of minds to pick from for advice in the up coming school year!

Anyway, between glasses of cold beer on the terrace of the restaurant at Spanish Bay and more wine attending Carmel’s outdoor Theater in the Forest presentation of “Beauty and the Beast”, I came away with the following two teaching tips.

#1 Be the “alpha dog”…

When escorting the kids to lunch or the library, always lead the line. Never follow. They should always be behind you and in line. Show them who’s the boss right off otherwise you’ll have them running farther and farther ahead and finally off the leash. Thanks Mary!

#2 It’s OK to cry…

If you have a crying kid demanding attention, just gently let them know it’s ok to cry but to go over in some isolated part of the room until they feel they’d like to come back and join the group. After a while, they’ll see that they are not getting the attention they wanted and are missing out on all that Kindergarten fun. Thanks Connie!

Connie had no advice for me if it was the teacher that needed a good cry…

And So Begins The Second Year…

Six-Forty-Five AM call. It begins with the automated call system voice. “Hello! This is the OG School District calling. We have an assignment for (insert my name here). Please enter your PIN….”

Seventeen 3^rd graders still acting a little like the 2^nd graders they were a short time ago. Very concerned about the time when recess and lunch are.

The teacher has a wind chime that dangles from the ceiling in the front of the room at just about 5’ 7” off the floor. I’m 5’ 9”, so the kids had a giggle every time I backed into it getting papers and books for the next lesson. The kids said the other sub yesterday had also threatened to chop it off as he, evidentially, had the same problem.

This is the third day of school and I’m the second sub they’ve had in so many days. Word is that the teacher’s mother is very old and in her last days. This was ON the lesson plan! I can sympathize, but the kids are getting short changed here. The school would probably do better by the kids in hiring a full time sub (not me) to take the class for the indefinite time this teacher needs to be away.

My day ended with a first. I had “yard duty” directing car traffic of parents continuously circling the parking lot trying to pick up their kids after school. What a waste of gas at today’s prices.

TIVO-Wife...

School starts up today. No calls to sub yet and therefore no new “subbing in the classroom” blog material to post about. So I thought I’d venture into a topic that I previously deemed a bit “too snarky” for public review.

The first thing I discovered is that “snarky” is a real word! : “adj. Slang snark·i·er, snark·i·est Irritable or short-tempered; irascible”

I first time I heard this term was from Ginny on her Singing Pigs blog.

After listening to a friend of mine complain of his mail delivery (both too late AND too early), I accused him of being a “happiness vacuum” (thanks again for the term Ginny…). He now, sometimes, calls and leaves what my wife terms “obscene sucking noises” on the answering machine.

Slightly rude and obscene. That’s how we guys are with each other. But you gotta love us anyway, right?

Disclaimer to still new brides: Snarky behavior on our part probably does NOT apply to your newly married beausband. To all new beausbands, I apologize if your wife interrogates you about your sympathies related to this post. (You can blind email me later…)

Anyway, a bunch of us old married “guys” were standing around before church just BS-ing when one of our fellow chuckle heads announced that he’d really like to have a “pause” button once and a while for his wife. She DOES talk a lot, but in order to protect the guilty no names will be mentioned here.

From that simple, single statement we “guys” brainstormed and invented the “TIVO-Wife”!!.

TIVO-Wife feature list:

Pause: Obvious.

Volume: Obvious

Channel: Can we change the topic?

Re-play: For when we finally tune back into the conversation at the phrase “Are you listening to me?”

Record: Remember when I said “I Love You”? Just play the recording again when you feel neglected.

Erase: Remember that time I (…fill in your own worst foot in mouth event here…)

Fast Forward: We don’t want the long story. Get to the point!

Thumbs-Up: To train the TIVO-Wife what conversations we like.

Thumbs-Down: To train the TIVO-Wife what conversations we don’t.

This is as far as we got before the wives came out and we hastily changed the subject…

Too snarky? Leave a comment and let me know.

Teaching Makes You Sick?...

And you just thought all you had to worry about was kid boogers...
Full story here

Reuters
by Amy Norton Thu Aug 18, 1:31 PM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - A wide range of occupations, from farming to teaching, may be potential risk factors for degenerative brain diseases, such as Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease, research findings suggest.

In a study of more than 2.6 million U.S. death records, researchers found that a variety of jobs were associated with an increased risk of death from several forms of brain degeneration, namely Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease, early-onset dementia and motor neuron disease

Many of the associations had been seen in earlier research and could potentially be explained by on-the-job exposures to the chemicals that farmers, welders and hairdressers routinely use or inhale.

Other findings, however, such as the elevated disease risks among teachers, clergy and bank tellers, are not easily explained, according to the researchers, led by Robert M. Park of the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, Cincinnati, Ohio.

Studies such as this, where death certificates are used to find associations between occupation and disease risk, have their limits. For one, death records are a less-than-ideal measure of a person's work history, Park told Reuters Health.

"At best," he noted, such research can tease out general patterns that can then be studied further.

In their analysis, Park and his colleagues found that the bank tellers, clergy, aircraft mechanics and hairdressers had highest odds of dying from Alzheimer's disease. For Parkinson's disease, the highest risks were among biological scientists, teachers, clergy members and other religious workers.

SOURCE: American Journal of Industrial Medicine, July 2005.

Goofy Boys...

I haven’t experienced the notion of a “long summer vacation” since I last attended high school many moons ago.

College, jobs to pay for college, marriage, parent at 22, 30 plus year career, grand-pa to two granddaughters at 57 pretty much dictated the end of long stretches of free summer time idleness.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. Given the choice to do it over again, I’d do it the same way except, maybe, for buying that new 1971 baby dew-dew yellow Volvo station wagon.

With this substitute teacher gig, I’m off during the summer again and it’s a new experience. I like it!

My usual afternoon includes the mile long walk down to the air conditioned McLibrary to read my book and partake of fine dining from the $1 menu. It’s also a good place to people watch.

So yesterday, as I was having my third, free refill of the senior diet cola drink, when six junior high aged boys snagged the window booth in front of mine along the drive through lane.

Boy #1: Look, dude. There’s your mom coming. Everybody wave!

(…Boys waving frantically at the silver SUV, as “mom” obliviously drives on through.)

Boy #2: Hey, I think that’s your sister! Everybody wave!

(…Boys waving frantically at the Lexus sports car, as “sister” on cell phone and digging in her McDonalds treasure lunch bag coasts on by)

Boy #3: Hey, isn’t that your uncle! Everybody wave!

(…Boys waving frantically at the confused guy in the pickup truck who’s returning a low two finger wave back while trying to figure out who these kids are)

All the boys: Laughing hysterically, high fiveing each other.

Ok, after a few more rounds of this, I’m starting to figure out that this isn’t a mass drive-thru family reunion and these are just a group of goofy boys having some fun trying to get people to wave at them.

Honestly now, can you think of anything more useless to do on a nice summer day?

When I was their age, way back in the nineteen-ought-sixties, me and the guys would ride our bikes down to the highway and watch for the eighteen wheelers. When we saw one coming, we’d all pump our fists in the air hoping to get the driver to give us a blast on the air horn as he went by. We’d all cheer when we got one.

Now THAT was something to do on a nice summer day!

M/F Differences...

Nothing pithy for today.

I did run across following clever video by Bruno Bozzetto, illustrating the differences between men and women. Enjoy!

Female .vs. Male

She Left Me...

Well…Claudette and her Ya-Ya sisterhood of five friends left this morning for their annual “Quilt Camp” excursion in Cayucos Calif.

Two van loads of sewing machines, fabric, cutters, sergers, cutting boards, cutise work lamps and enough clothes for an invading army to survive a month.

She claims that they are busy the whole week working on projects. If it was me and a bunch of the Yo-Yo brotherhood guys attempting the same thing, I know we’d end up at the beach with a cooler of beer and BBQ the entire week.

She’s leaving me ALL alone for the entire week. ALL alone. Just me and the cats. What to do, what to do.

Maybe I’ll take a cue from the cats? I’ll sleep in late. Take long afternoon naps. Pretty much just hang out all day and veg. Yea, that’s the ticket!

You’ll have to excuse me now. I need to go check and see if anyone put some dinner in my food bowl.

I Think I've Had This Nightmare...

Yea! You in the back row! I'm looking at you. The answer is???

Back To School Thoughts For Today...

"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't..."

"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive..."

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate..."

If you don't "get" these, then it’s just about time to go back to school!

Got A Pay Cut…

I got my Substitute Teaching Certificate in the mail last week. Made the rounds to the two school districts I plan to substitute with. Classes resume the last week in August.

One district that was paying $125/day last year is now paying $115/day this year but increased the half day pay from $62.50/day to $65/day.

Now if I could only figure out a way to finagle two half day substitute jobs each day…

It’s A Free Day! Score!…

My friend Gary says I’m cheap and I’ll do anything for something that’s free. He’s mostly right.

Everyone gets coupons for free stuff and/or discounts every now and again. Most of the time it’s for stuff you don’t want, can’t use or don’t need “two for the price of one” of when one will last forever.

Then again, sometimes the confluence of free stuff and this week’s lack of cash in my wallet make it worthwhile to cash in on discount loot.

Today was my “free day”.

I gathered the following collection of accumulated “instead of cash” currency and made the afternoon lunch run.

1. $5 gift certificate for In-N-Out Burger for doing an online survey for something I forget.

2. A twist off plastic cap for a free 1 Liter coke product.

3. A coupon I got in the mail for one 4 pound sample of Purina One cat food.

A cholesterol busting Double-Double burger, fries and drink lunch was followed by a trek across the parking lot to Albertson’s super market to scam my free coke and cat food.

I exit the store to find…MORE FREE STUFF! The Scott Paper Company was handing out free sample rolls of toilet paper and moist wipes!

Total “free day” cost? Fifty six cents!

Tax on the burger and recycle deposit on the coke bottle somewhat spoiled the “free day” experience but what the hey. Nothing is perfect!

…This is truly pathetic. I need a full time job.

In the mean time, how about listing your best “free day score” in the comments section?

My Wife Flushed The Cat…

I was awakened from semi-dream state Thursday morning to Claudette’s excited tone that “…the cat clogged the toilet!” At least that’s what I thought I heard. “…It just jumped off the shelf when I flushed and it disappeared and now the water won’t go down!”

I'm awake at this point but still slow on the uptake wondering how one of our cats could possibility get flushed down the toilet. Even the smaller cat couldn’t even remotely fit through the toilet flusher hole. At most, all they’d get is wet and super pissed off.

Upon further clarification, it becomes apparent that a shelf next to the toilet got bumped, a little cat figurine fell into the toilet and is now the victim of apparent inanimate animal suicide.

Sure enough, repeated test flushing revealed rising water levels more than double the usual point then slowly draining indicated a blockage. So my job for today is fixing the toilet.

Now, I really hate fixing plumbing problems. I can never get it right the first time without leaks and at least two trips to the hardware store. I never have the correct sized part or the correct number and variety of parts. So I’m really going to try and not take the toilet apart to clear this cat clog.

I spend the next hour or so trying to push the cat the rest of the way through toilet channel using a combination of coat hangers, plumbers snake and the ole’ trusty ‘D’-cup toilet plunger to no avail. Several test flushes showed the cat was still not on its merry way to San Francisco bay. DAMN!

Undeterred by this lack of progress, I decided all I need is more “push” to dislodge the drowned cat. I go to the hardware store and find a “Hi-Tec Super Floosher Toilet Plunger” guaranteed to unclog any toilet. Another hour of “flooshing” back home did nothing to encourage the trapped cat to continue its water park adventure ride.

Finally resigned to the realization that I WILL have to take the toilet completely apart, I procrastinate the rest of the day while making a list of toilet parts I’ll need to re-assemble the dang thing after I extract that miserable cat. ….Tomorrow!

As a last ditch effort, I tried to convince Claudette that we could just label this bathroom “For Liquid Waste Only”. Reasoning that, “It still kinda works and we DO have two other perfectly functioning facilities in the house!” She just gave me that droopy eyed look that said “No Dice” before going off to work the next day.

So another trip to the hardware store for toilet parts and a couple more hours in the bathroom surrounded by sopping wet towels and many swear words, I finally extract the medium egg shaped ceramic cat from the bowels of white porcelain toilet.

Undamaged, thoroughly rinsed with a Cheshire grin, it mocks me while I spend another hour re-assembling its former watery prison and clean up the bathroom.

Claudette returns home to find the formally flushed feline sitting on the counter. She tells me, emphatically, that she doesn’t want it back! “It was in the toilet with all that ….stuff”

Damn cat…

What's Your Excuse?...

Found the following on the web:

Excerpts from a collection of actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling) from the Office of Educational Assessment at the University of Washington.

“Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak...”

“Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault...”

“Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday…”

“My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines...”

“Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover…”

Full list here: http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/excuses.html

Substitute Certificate Renewal…

Finally! Something easily accomplished when dealing with the government. I was able to do an online renewal for my county Substitute Teaching Certificate. At $57, I guess I’m committed for at least one half of a class day this coming school year to break even.

So You Think Your Neighbor-Hood is Tough?...

Nigerian pets?...

These photos of hyenas and babbons somewhere in Nigera are making the internet rounds.

How would you like these kids in your class to have a "Bring Your Pet To School Day" for show-and-tell?

"Take Your Pet To School" Day...

Tough neighborhood...

Hey! I’m Sorta, Somewhat, Almost, Semi-Famous…

Discovered today that my blog has made the blogroll in the online Mercury News A&E Interactive section of the local paper! Left hand side, bottom the page, “Substitute Teacher”

Busy Body…

I’m going to reveal something about myself that may or may not be popular.

Did you ever throw a late night beer bust with outdoor loud speakers still going strong at 02:00am when the cops showed up to close it down? Have you ever wondered WHO called the cops to cruise by and shut it down? That was me!

Got a junker of car with flat tires that’s been parked on the street for months and was finally red tagged for towing? Yep, me.

Ever decide that during a dry, drought plagued, “High Fire Danger” summer season the best way to get rid of the six foot tall weeds in the back yard across from my house is to intentionally set them on fire only to have the fire department show up to douse the blaze and issue you a fine? Me again!

(All this stuff really DID really happen…)

Inconsiderate people don’t get consideration from me. But occasionally, I’ll stick my nose in where it just might do someone else some good.

As I was coming back from an appointment Monday of this week, I passed the parking lot of Country Club elementary school where I had my first subbing assignment last year. I noticed something peculiar about a car parked in the nearly empty lot. The car was sitting on the ground with all four wheels missing.

My thought was that this must have been stolen and the fancy rims stripped. It’s summer, the school is not in session and this school isn’t on a particularly busy street. It could be a while before this gets reported. If it was my car, I’d like to get it back ASAP.

I live in the 10^th largest city in the nation according to today’s newspaper, but I don’t think that some of the city services have kept pace.

I called 311, the non-emergency number, to report the possibly stolen car.

I’m on automated “hold” for twenty minutes while “All other operators are busy. Please hold…” before I give up and try again.

The non-emergency menu selection indicates an alternative number for the “city directory assistance operator”. I try that and get a very helpful person who sympathizes with my long attempts to contact the police. She suggests the office of “code enforcement” might help and directs my call.

I give CEG (Code Enforcement Guy) all the relevant information. The school name, the car license plate number, etc.

CEG: I need the complete name and mailing address of the school.
ME: Whaaa? I don’t have the EXACT address, but how many schools might there BE at the corner of San Fli___ Road and Farn___? Don’t you have MapQuest, YahooMaps?

CEG: I can’t help you unless I have the exact address.
ME: Ok. Fine! I’ll look up the address from my school district maps

CEG: Great, we’ll send a letter out to the property owner right away.
ME: You mean you aren’t going to send a cop car out to take a look?

CEG: No, we have to send the property owner a letter and wait two weeks for them to respond before we can move it. (He means he’s going to send the SCHOOL a letter about the car!)
ME: Since the “property” is a public school, doesn’t that mean YOU, the city, own the property? You’re going to send yourself a letter? (I’m trying not to get TOO sarcastic at this point)

CEG: Well, that’s how it’s done.
ME: OOOOHHH KKKAAA…Bye now.

I called 311 again and waited for the “real police” to answer. It took another twenty minutes on automated hold for them to pick up. Four minutes later I completed the report to which they responded that they’d send someone out to check on it.

Over an hour of my time spent but the car was gone the next day.

CEG called me back today to tell me that they couldn’t send the code compliance letter because their department handles only private school properties.

Never mind…

Wild Cat Rodeo Roundup…

Rozilla..

Nothing beats a tiring day like rounding up a bunch of sugar high Kindergartners. Unless it’s medicating an unwilling cat...

My wife has a cat. Two cats actually.

It’s been three years since we got these cats from the local rescue shelter. We haven’t had to deal with flea problems owning these hairy fur balls for pets…until now!

After three flea free years (try saying that 10 times in a row!) and the onset of summer, the fleas have somehow found their way indoors to feast on these two over fed mobile blood lunch wagons. So we got this overpriced, liquid stuff you’re supposed to rub in on the back of the cats’ neck once a month to get rid of the biting bugs and prevent them from coming back.

The “easy” cat was no problem. A pat on the head, scratch the belly and a dose on the back of the neck and we’re done.

The other cat, aptly named ROZILLA, is a different story. Rozzee hasn’t ever been to the vet because she doesn’t trust us enough to pick her up. When I’m occasionally stupid enough to try, I get a twisting, furiously hissing, screaming, spitting, ball of fur and muscle which usually results in making us both very wary and unhappy with each other.

So we’ve come to somewhat of a truce. As long as I don’t try and touch the cat with both hands she’ll submit, somewhat flinchingly, to an occasional one handed scratch behind the ear.

Our plan was simple. I was to immobilize Rozzee with a beach towel and expose the neck area for Claudette to apply the medication. The execution of the plan wasn’t so simple.

Festooned with said beach towel and thick leather work gloves like some demented urban toreador, I approach my quarry. The cat immediately shoots full tilt from room to room with me never getting within five feet of a capture opportunity.

“Plan B”: Close off all the doors in the upper hallway. Chase the cat up the stairs and corner the cat at the dead-end linen closet door. Claudette will stand guard at the top of the stairs to prevent escape in case I miss.

Round and round downstairs we go until Rozzee bolts up the stairs according to plan. I cautiously approach. Coming in low while blocking off the only exit with the towel, I manage to get most of the cat wrapped in the towel. Unfortunately, “most” isn’t enough and I’m getting mauled by the toothy end and one exposed claw.

The cat manages to squirm loose and shoots down the hallway toward Claudette who’s supposed to be blocking the exit down the stairs. Claudette, no fool, immediately abandons her job as “blocker” by pressing flat against the hallway wall and shrieks as Rozzee zooms past. Nice blocking job there, partner!

We regroup and decide to have another pass at “Plan B”. The problem we have now is that the cat has figured out “Plan B” and won’t be tricked into going up the stairs.

So for the next twenty minutes, we go round and round from the living room, to kitchen, to family room, behind the piano, behind the entertainment center, under the couches until the cat and I are exhausted and sweating like hard run horses in the Kentucky Derby. I’m sure any neighbors looking in through our living room picture window that night would have found the spectacle better than any reality show on FOX that night.

The cat finally is exhausted and panting hard. She latches all four claws in the seat cushion of a dining room chair and howls as I cover her with the beach towel with one hand and hold her head with the other while Claudette applies the medication.

Job complete, I quickly step back releasing both ends of mad cat at the same time expecting her to bolt as far away from me as possible. Surprisingly, the cat remains clamped to the chair for the rest the evening probably resting up for next month when we get to do it all over again.

Maybe Kindergarten isn’t so bad after all.