Odd Sub Types...

The following is a guest blog submission from the freshmen H.S. team bloggers  Phil & Ted and their take on "odd substitute teacher types" -- Mark

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You walk into class.  All of a sudden, you’re back outside class.  You walk in again.  Then the same thing happens.  In the class is a teacher.  It’s not your teacher.  Then, you wake up, but you’re still in class.  Then you wake up again [to a clock radio], and again.  It turns out you’re falling off a bridge.  Then you wake up again, and you realize the point of this lengthy introduction was to make fun of the movie “Inception.”

 But what if you’re teacher didn’t show up for the day?  What if it was someone else?  In that case a substitute teacher takes over. While most subs are normal, there are basically five slightly less-normal substitutes. They are detailed in this scholarly article (along with common introductions).

            The Musically-Oriented Substitute Teacher

“Hello, students [Gmajor7] isn’t the world just full of [changes to a C chord] music?  [Breaks into “The Hills are Alive...”][Catches self]  Ooo-oooo-ooops [hits D, F#, and A on the “oops”], I forgot to take attendance!  [Breaks into “My Favorite Things”].”

This substitute teacher loves music.  The classic give-away is carrying an instrument case or in extreme situations, yodeling.  The best way to handle this substitute is to play some popular music, which will thoroughly ruin any sense of rhythm and melody the sub possessed previously.

            The Inexperienced Substitute Teacher

“Hi, it says here...introduce self...introduce self?...um, my name is Mrs. Someone-needs-to-show-me-the-ropes (my family has gone through a lot of divorces/remarriages). 

Now-please, don’t do that, I think the lights are supposed to stay attached to the ceiling (although it isn’t clear in these directions)-who wants to take attendance?”

Due to rising oil prices, some schools grab substitute teachers from their posts at the gas station (…except in Texas, where people stick a tube in the ground to fill up their car.  There, schools grab inexperienced subs from college, because, after all, if they got that far, they might as well stop).  Needless to say, this sub has no idea what to do, and begins to worship the teacher’s directions, which often include complicated words such as “cabinet” and “desk drawer” (unless, of course, they accidentally picked up the attendance sheet, in which case they worship Andrew Anderson, or whoever else is at the top of the list).

             The Last-Minute Sub

“[Panting heavily] Hey, students [breath], sorry I’m late, there was a six-car pileup in my garage.  When the helicopters tried to get the news footage, they crashed into my house, so I had to stop and save my California Condor pet, which was glued to the set in the living room watching Fox News.  I didn’t get the call to come in until last month, so it was kind of last-minute.”

These subs can be identified by their tie which is suspiciously, meticulously tied in a .5673 Windsor knot (conflicting with their story of being ‘last-minute’.  Clearly, they weren’t in traffic, they were stuck in front of a mirror).
 
            The Cheerful Mentor

“Hiya, students! So glad to see your bright and shiny faces.  Just for kicks and giggles, let’s be great friends!  I’m supposed to take attendance.  Do you guys like attendance? No? Then let’s not take attendance.  What’s that, you say? Tuesday is always graffiti practice day? Let’s do it!”

Contrary to popular belief, these subs are not extremely happy.  Instead, it is their extreme fear of the students that drives them to attempt to befriend the students (these are the people who attempt to respond to all of their 6,743 Facebook friends every week).

            The Story-Teller

“Good morning, students.  Oh, speaking of students (and good mornings), did I ever tell you about the time I was caught in a Chilean Mine? No? Well-oh, I have to take attendance first.  Speaking of attendance (and first), there was this one week of my life where I got my arm caught in the toaster, seven consecutive days in a row!”

When growing up as a child, these subs had the type of parents who always listened to their child, because, after all, they were “special”.  When tossed into the real world (on March 14th, 1987, for you readers keeping track), these subs naturally assumed that everyone would love to listen to them.  
         
These are the five oddest types of substitute teachers.  Remember, though, that these are the exceptions, and the substitute that's the norm is more-well, I'm not going there.