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Monday, July 03, 2006

Happy Birthday!...

My life, lately, seems to be imitating a bad parody of the runner in Logan's Run. The powers that be seem to be conspiring to end my “life clock” tomorrow at the age of fifty-plus.

It started earlier in the week with a call from my credit union.

CUguy: Is this Mr. KauiMark?

Me: Yes…

CUguy: Uh, the credit union is auditing its records and we don’t seem to have a membership card for you on file. We need you to come in and fill out a new membership application.

Me: I’ve been a member since the 1970’s. You have my checking and saving accounts. You financed several of our cars. You had our 2nd mortgage loan and currently have our home equity loan. How can there be no records?

CUguy: I really don’t know, but we really need you to submit a new one for our records.

Me: Ok, send a new application form.

CUguy: Before I can do that, I need you to verify your mailing address for me.

Me: (long pause of frustration before I “verify” my own mailing address)

I should have asked if I had to repay my loan if they didn’t have any records, but I didn’t.

So today, my lovely bride (aka: Trophy Wife) for the last 36 years, suggests we go shopping for some shorts for my birthday.

It’s off to the mall and the Macy’s Men’s store. We walk in, I locate the rack of men’s shorts. I pick my size, try them on once to see if I’m still “my size” and we’re good to go. TW makes a couple of comments about how much “not fun” it is to shop with me.

MacyClerk: Cash or credit?

TW: Credit (hands over the Macy card)

MacyClerk: Humm..Can I see your ID please?

TW: Sure! (hands over driver’s license)

MacyClerk: It doesn’t seem to want to take the credit card. Did you get a new card recently?

TW: No, I’ve used this card for more than 20 years. It should work.

MacyClerk: I notice the name on the card is your husband’s. Is this a joint account?

TW: Yes, it’s a joint account but it’s my card. He doesn’t even have a Macy card. It should be ok.

MacyClerk: (Calls manager) I’m sorry, we don’t seem to have you on file in our records. Would you like to open a new charge account now to get a new card?

I feel my life crystal blinking red and black as my life existence is beginning to be erased. We pay cash for the shorts and bail before an errant comet smacks the mall with us still inside.

Arriving safely home, I empty the van while TW retrieves the mail.

TW: Honey? Are you expecting anything from the I.R.S.?

Me: Siiiggghhh…..Ahhh Nooooo. What is it?

TW: A refund check for $702.00!!

Maybe I got a few more hours left on my life clock after all.

Happy Birthday U.S.A!!!

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